There is a Certain Beauty in Death

Back in 2019, I started writing articles and publishing them on Medium. It was a great way to gain additional exposure for my writing, make some passive income, and I enjoyed sharing on that platform…for a few years. Some of the articles were previously shared on my blog before I published them on Medium but some of the topics didn’t seem appropriate for my blog space so they have remained only on Medium. However, I haven’t published anything on that platform since 2022 so I am in the process of moving some of those original articles to my blog. I no longer think they are inappropriate because my blog actually functions as a personal journal of sorts so anything that pops into my brain is absolutely appropriate to share in my online journal!

In conjunction with sharing these old articles, I am going to include new outfit photos with each new post because this is still a fashion blog and I like to share what I’m wearing!

I am beginning with this article that I published on August 9, 2019. It seemed like the perfect time to share this as we are quickly approaching the 20th anniversary of my mother’s death. She died from colon cancer on July 10, 2006, just 20 days before her 58th birthday. She was only 5 years older than I am right now and that is a very surreal concept for me to grasp sometimes.

Let’s get to it…

There is a Certain Beauty in Death

That is sort of a morbid title, I know. But the topic came up in a recent discussion with a friend and the final conclusion which ended the conversation were those words, “There is a certain beauty in death.”

Of course, I am not speaking of death as a result of tragic events, but rather the peaceful passing into the afterlife when one has reached the end of their time on earth.

You see, both of my parents lost their respective battles with cancer many years ago. They were too young to die, but they fought hard and they fought courageously. When the end came, they were just too tired to fight any longer. And in all honesty, when the end came, I was too tired to continue cheering for them from the sidelines. It was time for all of us to let go.

In that letting go, there is something miraculous that happens. I was fortunate enough to be sitting beside both of my parents as they passed out of this world. When I use that word fortunate to describe how I feel about those moments, I am often met with bewildered looks. But I am so very grateful to have been afforded the opportunity to say my farewells and to bear witness to the beauty that is the end of life.

You may wonder why I choose the word beauty. What on earth could be beautiful in death? Just as life, the Universe, and everything in it has a way of revealing God to us. If we pay attention to all the small marvels that surround us at any given moment, death shows us God in the most revealing way.

In my life, I have watched three people die. Two were my parents and one was a friend. The friend was merely 18 years old and an undiagnosed heart condition took his life. The event was tragic and trying to process it as an 18 year old facing the mortality of a peer marked a turning point in my life. Watching him die changed me in indescribable ways, shifting my perspective about life and forcing me to reconsider my purpose here. I live differently because of it.

Years later, after witnessing the last breaths of both of my parents, I remembered that day so many years ago when my friend died…I recollected the details with striking similarity. There comes this moment when the final breaths are so labored that it is painful and uncomfortable to observe. You want to look away, but you so desperately want to watch. It seems so personal and private as if it is not meant for your eyes. Yet you find yourself unintentionally breathing in strained tandem with the dying. Holding your own breath as they are gasping for just one more.

If you have ever watched a person die, you know the sound of that breathing all too well. It is a sound that will haunt you for years to come. It is a sound that will make your heart race even if you hear it on a television show. That physical response will never go away. It literally stays with you forever. Evoking a million emotions all at once. Emotions that you still haven’t quite figured how to process.

And then in that final minute, the moment of reckoning, the instant of departure, it is always the same. There is deep gasp, a vigorous inhale as if the dying is attempting to communicate with the living. Letting us know this is the end, they are ready to go, they have reconciled it all and the knoweldge of life is washing over them in one giant wave of revelation.

The gasp is followed by the longest sigh of relief that declares a peace beyond anything we will ever know in life. It speaks of surrender, calmness, acceptance, fearlessness, conclusion, and perfection. There is never-ending knowledge in that sigh, proclaiming that the end of the story is so much more beautiful than the beginning and the middle. There is a reassurance imparted on the living that everything, literally everything, will be as it should be as it all comes full circle.

As I watched life leave their bodies, all three of them, the color fade from their familiar faces, I could feel transcendence, serenity, and reconciliation fill the room. And all I could think was that it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. For in that brief moment of passing, I saw God.

The end.

I think this is one of my favorite pieces that I have ever written and I still tear up remembering those moments. I chose this outfit to share with this article because I am certain that my mother would have loved this look. Plus all the flowy layers in ivory and lavender seemed to fit the theme of peacefully passing into the afterlife.

Have you ever been blessed to help a loved one cross to the other side? In all of its sadness, it is still such a profoundly powerful experience that can change your entire worldview.

A brief bit about my outfit…

Much of this outfit consists of some newer retail purchases starting with this beautiful lavender floral skater dress. I specifically purchased this dress to wear with my new lavender cowgirl boots but it is now too humid for boots of any sort, except maybe rain boots. I get so caught up in the fact that I live in one of the snowiest places on earth that I often forget that I also live in one of the rainiest places in the country. It rains almost every day here and I get so frustrated by it sometimes. But we must appreciate the rainy days because they help us to really appreciate the sunny days!

I put this outfit together at the end of May to attend Ralph’s last track meet of the season. It was sunny and hot but I knew it would get cooler by the end of the meet so I dressed in light layers for full sun and wind coverage. I added these beautiful white gauzy trousers underneath my dress because I am currently really enjoying this aesthetic of dresses over pants. I found the pants in the swim suit section of Walmart for around $15. Because they are meant to be worn as a swim suit coverup they are a bit sheer which makes them perfect for summer layering. I also grabbed a pair in black.

I recently realized that my summer wardrobe desperately needed white sandals. I found these cuties in Walmart as well. My old feet are not great fans of cheap shoes but I figured I would buy these and upgrade to better quality white sandals if I found I was wearing them frequently. They only cost $13 and in the few weeks since I bought them, I have already gotten their cost per wear below $1. But the more the humidity increases, I am finding the plastic makes my feet uncomfortably sweaty so I have already upgraded to a pair of ivory Furkenstocks (purchased from a last chance clearance sale). I will likely still wear these plastic ones on occasion because they are cute and comfortable when it’s not sweaty weather!

The print on the dress has a tiny bit of black so I wore black and white accessories including ivory clay earrings from a craft market as well as thrifted black tasseled meditation beads and a pile of preloved ivory necklaces. My white and lavender cloche hat was the perfect head topper both aesthetically and practically.

I completed the outfit with an older ivory kimono that features some very pretty silver embroidery. I previously wore this kimono with a teal dress for Archie’s moving up to high school ceremony last June. I have just one photograph of it.

I felt really feminine and ethereal in these white gauzy layers with a touch of lavender. I also received lots of lovely compliments the day I wore this outfit. Fashion should make us feel alive and beautiful. I have been getting dressed as if every single day were a special occasion…because it is. Life is so short, wear the clothes you love and embrace the things that bring you joy!

Keeping it on the edge,

Shelbee