How to Confidently Express and Explore Your Intimate Fantasies

Many individuals have a fantasy that they never share openly and it’s not because of the fantasy itself. It’s because of the potential reaction to it. Being open to discussing desires is something that takes time to develop, not something you can easily do after one bold discussion.

Get Clear Before You Get Vocal

Unclear, broad fantasies are difficult to share and even harder for a partner to work with. Before you discuss intimate fantasies with your partner, it’s a good idea to write down the points you want highlight. Who or what is part of the fantasy, where does it take place, and what does or doesn’t happen in it? This isn’t about creating a backstory for a potential fantasy scene. It’s about detailing the specifics of the scenario you’re picturing when you reveal the cliché that “It’s always been a fantasy of mine…” Writing it down will help you sort the parts you’re attracted to into themes or elements and recognize the factors your mind subconsciously conjured up to populate the fantasy.

Many of the kinkiest, wildest, scariest, most shameful fantasies humans have still overlap massively in the details. The Journal of Sexual Medicine shared a 2015 study of 1,516 Canadian adults which found that the most common sexual fantasies in anglophone North Americans include familiar partners/people, multi-partner sex, and socially forbidden or taboo activities (Joyal and Carpentier, 2016). The other most common fantasies also have a broad application with themes like romance, spontaneity, sex in an unusual location, same-sex partners, and being the center of attention. So if you’ve been concerned that your fantasies involve elements of control, role play, or something you instinctively classified as weird, the odds are overwhelming that you’re actually in very ordinary company.

When Your Partner Isn’t Into It

Not every partner will want to participate in every fantasy, so it’s important to recognize that a rejection of a fantasy is not a rejection of you as a person. It’s simply a boundary that deserves the same respect you expect for your own limits. You can find yourself in tricky territory when the fantasy still matters to you but your partner isn’t on board. The desire for the fantasy doesn’t just disappear if your partner says no.

If you ever consulted an advice column on topics like this, you may find that they generally dismiss this obstacle with answers like “just accept it and move on.” Obviously, that’s not very realistic or helpful advice and it’s also not the only option when your partner rejects your fantasy. Professional companionship exists precisely for this gap in relationships. There are consenting adults who could fulfill the role of providing a boundaried, judgment-free space for the exploration that a partner is unwilling or unable to offer. A reputable companion service such as Claudia’s Penthouse can offer that kind of judgment-free space with screening, discretion, and clear boundaries built into the arrangement from the start. It’s a legitimate route, not a consolation prize, and treating it as shameful just feeds the same stigma that made the fantasy hard to voice in the first place.

Say It Without Making It a Test

The best way to ensure that sexual communication is successful is to encourage a mindset of assurance between partners. It’s normal for communication about sex to be difficult. One or both of you might have grown up being taught that even discussing sexual needs with a partner – never mind those that extend outside the relationship – is tantamount to cheating, and that’s a pattern that can be hard to break. When you’re feeling that kind of discomfort, you don’t bring up how to start having open sexual discussions, but eventually, despite your fears, you figure out how to get there and it’s fine.

Separate the Fantasy From the Ask

One mistake that can make these discussions go off the rails fast is assuming that fantasizing about something means you want to actually do it. There’s a big gap between “this is something that I think about and it gets me off” and “this is something I want to experience for real.” So be sure to voice that distinction out loud. It’s useful information for your partner to better understand your desires. Also, taking the pressure off both parties is generally a good idea for an easier conversation. A fantasy can be a thing you both imagine while you have sex that remains contained in that hot mental real estate, and that’s okay, too. It’s still a valid fantasy.

Fantasy-sharing should still allow you to bask in the afterglow of your experiences but both parties also need to know where the fantasy ends. Practice talking about it with words first, testing the weight of them out on your tongue like the unlikely but successful pickup artist advice to try your best lines in the mirror before taking them out on the town. Your words have more impact once you’ve gotten comfortable saying them.

Aftercare Isn’t Optional

No matter what the fantasy – a three-way, trying a new position, or something else – try to get to the bottom of why you want what you want. A surprising amount of fantasies are all about wanting to feel attractive, or wanting to feel dangerous, or wanting to feel free. Maybe there’s another route that gets you to those feelings without leaving anyone feeling taken advantage of or less than worthy.

Keep in mind that when you begin a conversation like this, you should do it without any expectations your partner. “I had this kind of off-the-wall thing I wanted to try for a long time” can be important pillow talk in and of itself. It can ignite the imagination and fuel intimate dialogue, which might be just enough to satisfy your partner.

For successful relationships venturing into new fantasy territory, trust and respect are as necessary as open and honest communication. My best advice is this…Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it.

Do you struggle with communicating intimate desires and fantasies with your partner?

Keeping it on the edge,

Shelbee