The Wicked “S” Word & Link Up On the Edge #158
Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. As I have been opening up more recently about myself, my lifestyle, my beliefs, and my truths, I have been thinking a lot about the notion of shame. Is it as subjective as the definition leads us to believe? Or are feelings of shame also objective, imposed upon us by society and the people who pass judgments on us?
By definition, shame is caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. But who determines if our behaviors are wrong or foolish? This is an age old question that ancient philosophers pondered about morals and ethics and foolishness. There is no black and white. There are always different components to every equation that leave us all in very muddy water. If we even attempt to dissect the meanings of dually objective and subjective concepts, we tend to get so confused that we just surrender and default to the status quo. Which unfortunately is shame.
The default is shame. We are taught from a very young age to feel it. Shame in our behavior. Shame if we make a mistake. Shame if we forget something. Shame if we say the wrong thing. Shame if we wear the wrong thing. Shame in our bodies. Shame in our performances. Shame in the color of our skin. Shame in our sexuality. We are taught to feel shame in nearly every decision we make if it doesn’t conform with tradition or society’s rules. We are taught to feel shame even in things that are beyond our control. Things that we are, things that were done to us against our will, things completely and totally outside of us still become things that we internalize as shame.
And so we learn to hide our differences, our nonconformities, the very details that make us unique and interesting. We hide our experiences, our decisions, our wants and needs. We hide it all away in shame. Some of us spend our lives seeking out people like us who will not judge the things we hide in shame. Sometimes, we are wrong and we reveal our secrets to a trusted person only to be met with judgments which send us straight back into hiding. Every once in a while, we are very fortunate and we connect with like minded people who not only refrain from shaming us but accept and embrace our differences. But that last scenario does not happen as often as it should. We need to be more open minded, more compassionate, less judgmental, and way more loving, kind, and accepting.
Shame really is a wicked word, isn’t it? The way it operates to break us down into confused and misshapen fragments of what we are supposed to be. Shame forces us into little boxes that will be accepted and praised as the perfect examples of what a human being should be. But most of us have a really difficult time fitting into those boxes of should.
Oh, the shoulds. They go perfectly with shame, don’t they? Like two evil sisters hell-bent on forcing the world to become a sea of automatons where everyone looks alike, thinks alike, acts alike, is alike. We would all like each other then, wouldn’t we? If we were all exactly alike? But what the hell fun would that be? I would rather live in a world of abundant differences, endless ideas, countless philosophies, and infinite truths than an ocean of monotony. But with differences in opinions and beliefs come judgments. And right on the heels of judgment lies shame.
It is a vicious cycle. And like all cycles, it just needs a strong person to break it. I don’t know if I am that person. I don’t know if I possess the kind of strength required to break a cycle that has existed since the beginning of free thought. But I do have the guts to try.
So when I start to feel shame about anything, I am going to take a good hard look at the source of it. Is it coming from inside of me, subjectively all my own? Or is it based upon objective rules, traditions, expectations, and judgments thrown at me without my consent? Do I agree with these rules, traditions, expectations, and judgments? If I don’t, how can I change them? Or better yet, how can I continue on my merry way living my truths without shame? I am going to do my best to toss shame into the flames and let it burn a fiery death. For it is no longer welcome in my world.
Isn’t it time we all start speaking our truths, owning our truths, and living our truths…without shame?
And now your featured favorites from last week.
Grace of Color and Grace shared a super helpful post just in time for the beginning of the school year, How to Deal with Back to School Anxiety. As a former teacher, Grace definitely has some insight that can benefit all of us as we enter the craziness of transitioning from Summer break back to the more regimented schedule that comes with the school year.
Stefanie of Style Safari shared the most beautiful Summer dress designed and created by her very own hands! Check out her post, Designed by Stefanie: The Best Maxi Dress. Ever. I love the mixture of bold prints and bright colors on this unique dress. Stefanie looks absolutely fabulous!
By the way, isn’t my skull dress the cutest Goth look ever?! It is perfect for the Halloween season which will be here before we know it. Rosegal has a great selection of holiday themed apparel, but I am really partial to their Gothy Halloween pieces. Order now from their deals sale using discount code RGT20 at checkout to ensure that you receive your items by the time the holiday season rolls around!
Shameless on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Parties.
Shop my look…
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
43 Comments
Grace Liang
Lovely post as always! I was so happy to see my post on dealing with back to school anxiety made your featured favorites <3 Thank you!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Grace, thank you so much for reading and for always sharing inspiring content in your space that is feature-worthy! Have a great weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy
Who else then you only needs one word! One word to let a waterfall of sentences come out! What a spicy look! Perfect!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ha, thanks, Nancy! One word is all it takes to trigger my words to start to flowing! Gah. I do love words and ideas and talking about philosophies of all different sorts. Have a great weekend, my friend. I am heading off to another bluegrass festival for the weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kathrine Eldridge
This is a very thought-provoking post. I highly recommend any of Brene Brown’s books because she discusses shame a lot and how to move past. Love this sexy Halloween look! Thanks so much for the link up Shelbee.
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Kathrine! I love Brene Brown, but when I tried to read one of her books, my head started spinning with so many thoughts that I had to put it down because I felt like I couldn’t handle any more inspiration! Maybe I shouldn’t try to read her stuff in bed when I am trying to unwind…I got way too motivated or something! Next trip to the library, I will try again.
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar A Strauss-Benjamin
Such a powerful word and an amazing dress!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Tamar! That word really does pack some power. Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Gail
Enjoy the festival Shelbee. What with that and putting an end to shame, you’re so very brave. I take my hat off to you.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Gail, thank you so much! I do have a bit of nervous stomach about camping by myself. I am taking comfort in the fact that there will be tons of other people there. But now the weather forecast has changed from sunny to thunderstorms. So this should be an interesting adventure, for sure!
xoxo
Shelbee
Julie | This Main Line Life
It’s tricky to teach your kids about right and wrong, but at the same time teach them not to get hung up in guilt or shame over something. We talked a lot about the topic of “right and wrong” in my book club recently and I think almost all of what we consider to be good/bad, ok/not ok, etc…. is driven by social norms. It gives a person pause when they start to get too judgy.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Julie, thank you so much for this take on the topic. I think you are spot on that most of what is right and wrong is driven by social norms. Of course, there are certain things that are just wrong, but throw a little twist of circumstances and suddenly it is not so black and white anymore. I hope you have a great weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Debbie
Wonderful post! We all experience shame some more than others, we just need to deal with it the best we can.
We must all be brave and accept who we are and walk tall.
Love
Debbie
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I agree with you completely, my friend! Thanks for joining in the discussion! I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Catherine Sokolowski
I love your thoughts on shame and how you plan to confront the feelings of it. And I also really love how you accessorized that cute dress. It really looks great on you!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Catherine, thank you so much! Sometimes my thoughts run away on me when I get an idea in my head! I wish I could be more precise with my writing when I get like this. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jennie
What a cute dress! You are right, it will be perfect for the Halloween and I really like the way you have styled it.
Another great message today. I enjoyed reading your thoughts on how to process these feelings and getting to the root of why we are experiencing them. Something I have begun doing more and more over the past few years.
Have a wonderful weekend, friend!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Jennie! It only takes one little word to trigger an entire blog post from me. Ha. I think we can all be a bit more introspective from time to time. It certainly helps with perspective. Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Pamela
I love the outfit but when I scrolled down and saw the shoes, I was like “WOW” those shoes are the bomb!! Thanks for sharing your style post.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Pamela! I loved these shoes at first sight, too. But they are kind of hard to match to outfits! Have a great weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Marilee Judith Gramith
SHAME is definitely both a sociological and psychological phenomenon. One of those culturally varying but always significant methods of applying pressure to restrict behavior and force conformity.
My Social Science background and 37 years of teaching American History and Political Science to 14 year olds give me a unique perspective. Fourteen is an age where the pressure to conform comes from multiple sources. Parents, peers and society must ALL be given their due as they cooperate and compete for attention and the pressure is unrelenting. Unfortunately SHAME plays a significant role.
Over my many years of teaching, I think my most important role was to help facilitate that confusing, contradictory, intense and often humorous adventure that is adolescence. My personal focus settled in creating a place where students could feel safe to experiment, fail and triumph because that was their adolescent lot in life. I think my mission was to keep SHAME at a minimum in an effort to foster authenticity in my students. Their varying personal vulnerabilities made for a challenging and rewarding 37 year teaching career.
Thank you Shelbee! I hadn’t really considered how lessening the negative impact of shame was a student centered empowerment goal within the classroom environment I created. In retirement I continue to reflect on my role as an educator but you’ve inspired me to reevaluate. Gives me a little lump in my throat to feel some pride in my contribution. 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jude, if only all teachers approached their students with the same insight and willingness to empower that you did. I know a lot of wonderful teachers out there, but I also had my fair share of experience with some pretty awful ones. Ones who made me feel A LOT of shame during those vulnerable adolescent years. And while I understand now in my adulthood that teachers are just humans brought up in the same society as I, falling victims to the same societal norms and expectations, as a teenager I didn’t know so much. We look to our elders during those stages for guidance and inspiration and a willingness to make us feel “normal” in a world that doesn’t always accept uniqueness as a good quality. You should absolutely feel pride in the work you did as a role model for teenagers. I am sure there are many who still thank you to this day. I remember the few years I spent as a high school coach always teaching my athletes to embrace their true and genuine selves no matter how weird or strange people may have perceived them. At the end of the season, the graduating seniors made a video where they shared the most important lessons they learned. One of the girls stated on the video that she would always remember that I told her to “embrace her weird for it would serve her well in the long run”. My heart nearly burst with pride. And can I tell you, she is in her mid-20’s now and living quite an exciting life, without shame or limits, still embracing the unique and amazing individual that she is. I like to think that I contributed even the tiniest bit to that.
Thanks so much for always sharing thoughtful and relevant comments here. One day, I would love the opportunity to meet you in person! Oh the conversations we would have!
xoxo
Shelbee
Laura
You have such a wealth of topics that yo speak so eloquently on inspiring us all! We all feel shame at times and I think 9 times out of 10 it comes from within. But it shouldn’t! We are too hard on ourselves!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Laura, thanks so much! But I think the shame that comes from within is still dictated by how society perceives us or at least how we think society perceives us. So still societal dictates have a lot to do with it as well. It is a super tricky topic! Thanks for joining the discussion.
xoxo
Shelbee
Amy Ann Arnold
Shame is so tricky. You are right to examine where it comes from when you feel it.
Amy Ann
Straight A Style
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Amy Ann. It really is avery tricky emotion. And it can cause so much damage. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Lauren Renee Sparks
I agree. Shame is wicked. Conviction can be a positive catalyst for change, but shame about who we are at the core is definitely not in anyone’s best interest. laurensparks.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lauren, thanks so much for this perspective. I am realizing that shame about who we are comes from others trying to make us feel that way. So I wonder if it is really shame at all or simply not wanting to make other people uncomfortable because they cannot grasp differing beliefs, etc. It is such a tricky topic and the discussion could go on forever! Oh how I do enjoy a good philosophical chat!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jill
This post is wonderfully written! Shame is an emotion that is hard to deal with. We need to look closer at where our feelings are coming from and if we need to change our perspective.
Love this fun, goth look!
Jill – Doused in Pink
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jill, thanks so much! Shame is a beast of an emotion, for sure. And I think when others try to make us feel shame, that’s when we really need to investigate…is it us or them? I am finding a lot of people try to shame others simply based on differing beliefs and it makes me very sad.
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Looking so very hot (with all respects)- Love the look. The thigh-highs go better than tights with that outfit. I have seen people dressed like that at a certain event in San Francisco that is coming up.
The Shame word has been used a lot towards me. Last month, when I was in the hospital dealing with my health issues that word came up. It came because I tend to internalize so much and have been doing most of my life. I had one of the moments and it was that a lot of people use it towards me because I have my own belief system, my own thought system and my own world views that are totally different than others. So people use it against me. One thing that I lerned is that I am who I am and so be it and I am a halfway decent guy. It is there problem and not mine if I am different and they can’t accept it.
Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful weekend.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Patrick, thank you so much for the compliment and for sharing your experience with shame. I know we have all experienced it in one form or another whether it comes from inside or outside. But we all internalize it in a negative way. I have been trying to live my true life more openly lately and I am met with so many judgments that trigger feelings of shame that I am constantly fighting off…because I am genuinely not ashamed, but people really do try to make you feel like you should be ashamed. It is so very frustrating. I am who I am as well and I am decent and kind person, but when your beliefs differ from the “norm” it seems that overshadows everything else. But I will remain true to myself and stand strong in the storm of judgments!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kinga
Very interesting outfit ❣
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Kinga!
xoxo
Shelbee
Alicia OBrien
Oh yes, I can relate to this. I let external factors, like others opinions, which are not fact, creep in. I have to remember what is fact and fiction when I am internally talking to myself. I have to remember that I am unique, amazing, and always growing and learning and tell the fiction side of my thinking to shut the hell up! #openslather
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Alicia, thanks so much for sharing your experience with shame. I definitely struggle with telling the fiction side of my thinking to shut the hell up, too! I guess we need to just keep practicing it until we get it!
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy Turner
As always, your post is certainly thought-provoking, Shelbee! It reminds me of that now infamous (yet incredibly painful) scene in Game of Thrones with Cersei being walked through the streets naked – everybody shouting ‘Shame’ at her. Did you see it? It was awful… even though Cersei was so evil, it was still really disturbing.
And WOW, you look amazing, by the way!
Big hugs
Suzy xx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Suzy! I have not watched Game of Thrones at all, but I may try to find a clip of this scene. It sounds pretty terrible and disturbing. I don’t understand why people are compelled to shame others. Such a harsh world.
xoxo
Shelbee
Anna Shirley
I like your provocative posts. I’m pretty sure that I’m not the person to challenge society about generally accepted rules even if I feel that they are wrong. But I like that we can discuss those topics and maybe starts some change and remove the shame veil about these slowly. Cute gothic dress. Thank you for sharing this look with My Red Carpet.
Anna
http://www.glamadventure.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Anna, thank you so much! I do like to get into the uncomfortable topics for discussion. And apparently, I am the one to challenge society! Ha. I have been on the quite the soapbox lately with my rantings about society’s silly rules! I am glad you have joined the discussion even if you don’t want to lead the crusade!
xoxo
Shelbee
Mica
What a fun dress! I love the purple an black combo, it’s stunning on you! 🙂
Hope that you had a great weekend 🙂 Thank you so much for joining the #weekdayWearLinkUp I just posted this week’s linkup, I’d love you to join again! 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mica, thanks so much! I am really love the purple and black combo right now myself. It will be perfect for fall!
xoxo
Shelbee
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