Nothing but a Whole Lot of Something & Link Up On the Edge #181
Lately, I have been really wracking my brain to find my writing angle. I know there is something big inside of me that needs to get. Something powerful that will help others in their own struggles. I know that I have the nerve to address the uncomfortable topics in life. I know that I have the capacity to articulate the things that people may need to hear. I know that some of the darkest places inside of me are the places that resonate with even the most distant strangers. And I know in my heart that it is important for me to share. My problem is finding exactly what it is that I need to be sharing. Strange, isn’t it?
I had an epiphany the other day that the missing piece to all of this stuff that seems to be driving me forward without any compass lies somewhere deep within the pages of my journals. Way back when I existed merely within the strangling clutches of a mental disorder, the one coping mechanism that helped me purge the poison from my mind was to eject it all onto the pages of secret journals.
I call them secret because no one, not even myself, has ever read the words on those pages. There is a giant bin filled to the top, bulging with the words of a severely bipolar woman hidden in a dark corner of my basement. I have declared this bin off limits to everyone and have entrusted them to only one confidante after I die. I protect this content at all costs for one reason…I literally have no idea what is in those pages. And quite frankly, it scares the hell out of me.
But I think this writing angle for which I have been searching may very well be inside those pages. And so I have been in serious contemplation recently about pulling them out and beginning my journey into my own past. A past that I seem to have forgotten and one that I had chosen to bury and hide for some reason unknown even to myself. I do stumble upon glimpses of whatever emotions I was feeling at that time, one being this rather disturbing poem that I had written nearly 12 years ago. While the overall theme seems to be one of a darkness within, there are flashes of light scattered throughout it. And I am guessing that it was these glimmers of hope that helped illuminate my way to the place where I stand now.
Nothing
There is an elephant in the room.
There is a panther on my chest.
There is a gerbil in my head.
There is a black hole in my living room.
Where have all the cowboys gone?
I had such a good time when they were here.
But I have made so many mistakes.
I want to bask in the glory of the error of my ways.
I want to be led into temptation.
I want to be delivered from evil.
And I want to feel the satisfaction of immediate gratification.
I want to hold tight to everything I’ve got.
I have nothing.
But my nothing is worth so much more than your everything.
So much more than you will ever be worth.
My nothing is everything to me.
My nothing is beautiful and brilliant.
And it is my nothing.
It is my everything.
It is all I have.
And I love it with all my guts.
My guts.
Sometimes I have a hard time keeping them inside their casing.
It seems as if the lining will rupture and the guts will spill out like rotting sausage.
The only thing I have to catch the spill is a sieve and then it will all be lost.
But I have lost it all before.
I can lose it all again.
And then I will have nothing.
But my nothing is everything.
And I will be all right.
For the life of me, I have no idea who I was speaking to when I wrote those words, but apparently it was to someone or something who made me feel less than worthy. By the end of the poem, however, I seem to have found my worth even in my supposed nothingness.
And I am thinking that there is more of this hidden within those pages buried in the basement. Do I dare venture there?
And now your featured favorites from last week.
Reader Favorite (Most Clicked)
Jennifer of Effortlessly Sophisticated shared a very helpful and timely post, How to Fight the Winter Blues, that seemed to resonate with many of you as well as myself. These winter months can be long, cold, and dreary and it absolutely affects our moods in negative ways. Jennifer has offered some wonderful tips to help combat these cold weather doldrums. While many of us are already impatiently waiting for spring to arrive, we still have a lot of winter ahead.
My Favorite Fashion Post
Gail of Is This Mutton? shared a lovely combination of pink and green in her post, Pink Boots Walk Me to the Ballet. And she walked to the ballet with Anna of Mutton Years Style and I. What a fun way to spend some quality time with a blogger friend! And when bloggers get together, you are guaranteed some pretty fabulous outfits!
My Favorite Non-Fashion Post
Kristi of French Creek Farmhouse sent me into downright living room envy with her post, Winter Fun in the Family Room. How inviting is this all neutral decor with a warm French farmhouse feel? I have serious decorating goals now! Now I just have to raise these messy boys and kick them out of the house before I would even dare try to enjoy a family room like this!
Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Parties.
Shop my look…
Outfit Details: Overalls and Top-Torrid / Coat-Charlotte Russe / Boots-Kohl’s / Scarf and Socks-Old / Hat-Thrifted / Gloves-Isotoner / Leather Earrings-Good Life Gift Shop
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
58 Comments
Kellyann Rohr
Shelbee, I think you need to pull out those journals and publish a book. I mean it. There are people out there who can relate and even be saved by your skilled writing. Not everyone can put into words what you were feeling but you do it so well and so honestly. You are a wordsmith my friend!
xo,
Kellyann
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Kellyann, thank you so very much for those for encouraging and supportive words! I am feeling that pull, but man, is it scary! Jeff gets home on Monday and I think once he is here to be my rock, I am going to start in on those journals.
xoxo
Shelbee
Susan
Hmmm, good question with the journals. Quite the dilemma.
I can only speak from my own experiences.
I know that when I am at my lowest, I feel as if my sense of self is fractured. What helps me,
Is harkening back to a time when I was not so fractured, which is the past, when my brother and my BFF, my cousin Mary were still here. They were my anchors, and now I must anchor myself. Although they send me validations daily, I feel lonesome.
That being said, the danger of the past is that it can easily suck you in. I must be vigilant, or I go too far, and have to battle my way back. Be vigilant, Shelbee.
Good luck.
Love your outfit.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Susan, thank you so much for sharing your vulnerabilities with me. See, not only am I afraid of what I will find in there, but I also am a little bit scared of getting pulled into darkness like you said. Although, that fear is not as strong as the former because I am in a really great place with a decent grasp on my disorder and how to weather a down swing. I am going to wait until my husband returns home, however, before I go digging in the darkness of my past. He is my rock. And I suppose it won’t hurt to have my therapist on alert as well! I did go back into my journals years ago and pulled a few excerpts out to write a Freudian analysis of myself for a counseling class. I approached it as a case study of a woman who I didn’t really know. If I can detach like that, I should be okay. I will be vigilant, my friend. I so appreciate your kindness and concern!
xoxo
Shelbee
Susan
Thank you, dear friend, for writing this. It’s made me examine my own vulnerability in a different light, which is always a good thing. You can tell yourself to look at it as a case study (absolutely brilliant idea, btw, and one that I will use myself), but don’t do it without your anchor. Rock on, Shelbee, and you may end up enlightening all of us, or at least, enlightening me!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Susan, I cannot express enough gratitude for validating me that way! Thank you. I hope I can enlighten myself as well as you and some others along the way. I really feel as if this is my mission in life. To share this story, no matter how scary it may be, in order to make it just a little bit easier for someone, anyone, or even better, for lots of people.
xoxo
Shelbee
Kathrine Eldridge
Amazing poem Shelbee! I love that you are willing to share your dark side. The only way this world will get better is by people willing to do the interior work of finding oneself and dealing with all the stuff that is not fun to deal with. Thanks for being vulnerable and love your layered winter look!
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Kathrine, thank you so much! I am finding that when I share the dark stuff, that is where people can really relate. I guess we all have it and we all need to deal with it and we are all kind of scared of it. So that is why I have this mission of creating a safe and supportive space to process this stuff. I really appreciate your support!
xoxo
Shelbee
mireille
I think Susan makes some valid points and I think that your plan to do that when your husband is home is a good idea. Also starting in small doses of pulling them out? I do think you have some things to share that would help others and I am not sure what is written out there from the viewpoint of someone who has had the struggles and the high and lows and lived through it vs the viewpoint of the therapist and medical side. I really need to share your blog with my sis in law!
http://www.chezmireillefashiontravelmom.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mireille, thank you so much for sharing you input on this! It is definitely a task that I must handle delicately and vigilantly like Susan said. After completing 60 credits of a Masters in Mental Health Counseling, I have to say that I can discuss these topics from both points of view…as the patient and as the counselor. I need to approach my own past writings with a sense of disconnect that it was someone else who wrote the passages. I think on top of my fear of what I will find is also the fear of embarrassment about the things I may have written. I need to get over that fear because if it is too embarrassing, I can just choose to leave it all locked away! I don’t know your sister’s background, but I certainly appreciate any feedback on these topics.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jill
Thank you for sharing your poem. Your writing is amazing and I think it is relatable and could help so many people. You should explore what else you have in that bin! Loving your fabulous coat and winter layers! Have a wonderful weekend!
Jill – Doused in Pink
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Jill! I really appreciate that type of encouragement and support! Slowly but surely, I am building my nerve to do just that.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jennifer
Definitely think you need to publish more from your journals. Beautifully written.
Jennifer
https://www.effortlesslysophisticated.com/
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Jennifer! Gosh, it is so intimidating sharing these thing. I so appreciate the feedback and encouragement.
xoxo
Shelbee
Ellibelle
You are such a skillful writer, Shelbee. It’s understandable that you cannot easily go through those journals and it’s a good idea to wait until your husband is home if you do decide to dig them out.
Such a great winter look today! The coat looks so cozy!
Thanks for hosting the linkup!
Ellibelle’s Corner</a
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ellie, thank you so very much for validating me! I am definitely going to wait until next week at least before I go digging around in that darkness! I might actually wait until after my vacation in a 2 weeks. Gosh, I am looking forward to that break! Have a wonderful weekend, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
allie
love this post – thank you for being so bold and open! it is NOT an easy thing to do on the internet!
xo, allie
http://www.champagne-tuesdays.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Allie, thank you so very much for that! It definitely is a very intimidating thing to reveal our vulnerabilities for the whole world to see. But I am a firm believer that we find our purpose in our pain. And in order to make all the pain worth something, we have to share it in an effort to help others who may be struggling along on a similar path. I really appreciate your support and encouragement! Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Such a beautiful poem. Very lovely. You need to self-publish a book of all your poems. They are all so good. Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful weekend.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Patrick, I cannot thank you enough for that wonderful compliment! I don’t know if I have enough poetry for a whole book, but I have to go see what’s in those journals. Maybe there is enough of something worthwhile to share. Have a fantastic weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
jess jannenga
Hi Shelbee!
I understand writing and wanting to look maybe at your phase in life, where you were when you wrote your poem. Love the first bit- gerbil in my head.. I often feel like this!
I think it can be healing or provide a new perspective to look at older writings. I have journals I wrote in from when this whole disease reared its ugly head. I even said to my hubby that I look through the boxes with jounrals, to see where I was 10 yrs ago. I write in them today.
We actually have snow now! I doubt it will lay on the ground, but it was cool to see! I love seeing it in your pictures and you are quite dedicated, as my photoshoots are more like 10- minutes in the cold! Love your layered look and that leopard coat on you!
Have a great weekend!
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jess, thanks so much for this wonderful comment. I really do want to go investigate what lies in those journals. There is a huge chunk of time that is completely blacked out from my memory and I am curious and scared to discover why there is so much lost memory. I think that is great that you have kept and still keep journals to track your disease. I am sure it is super helpful because we can’t remember every little detail of our lives. I have not written in a journal since I have had kids, but I kind view what I share on my blog as a journal of sorts. I am glad you got a little bit of snow, but sorry that it makes you so cold! Have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lauren Vandiver
Adore this outfit!! Leopard is my favorite and I love how you styled it!
xx,
-Lauren
http://vandifair.com/
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Lauren! I do love leopard as well and I really like combining more than one leopard piece into an outfit. Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Ashley Cramp Aka Lazy Daisy Jones
Shelbee, I think you may have a hidden talent for words.
I find looking back is not good for my soul, I prefer to move on from the past and live in the here and now?
sending love
Ashley x
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ashley, thank you so very much! I am not one to focus on the past either. I am always focusing forward. But I do think there is something hidden in those secret writings that could be beneficial to help others on their journeys. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Cheryl Shops
There is definitely something therapeutic in writing, whether it’s just for you (i.e. your secret journals) or something you’re willing to share with the world. I’m glad you do share your work—you are a talented writer and the emotion behind it certainly resonates!
Cheryl Shops | http://www.cherylshops.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Cheryl, thank you so much for your encouraging and supporting words! Writing is definitely very cathartic for me. I just never really go back and revisit any of it. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
Your poem truly describes a feeling of trying to exist; to exist even when some aren’t in your corner. While it’s a dark place, it seems a fully healthy thought process.
Looking at your many layers outfit as you stand in the snow makes me shiver. How you manage to look so great in so may layers is beyond me. When I lived in snow country, I looked more like the Michelin Man. 😜
Thanks for linking up with Creative Compulsions!
Michelle
http://mybijoulifeonline.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Michelle, thanks so much for the feedback on my poem. Why is it that poetry always feels so much more vulnerable than prose? I will never quite understand that…because it seems more cryptic than prose so one would think it should feel safer to share it. Who knows? As for my many layers…I have lived in this cold climate for such a long time that I simply have mastered the layering tricks without looking like the Michelin Man! All trial and error!
xoxo
Shelbee
FancyBoy
Fantastic poem. Do you do poetry readings? I love going to those— I prefer old school poetry readings to slams, but enjoy both.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Becky! I have not gone to a poetry reading since college! And back then I was too afraid to read my own stuff. I would just watch and listen to the others and get envious of their courage and skill! I don’t know if we even have any where in my local area that offers such things.
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar A Strauss-Benjamin
For sure revisit them!! I bet they hold such treasures.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tamar, thank you so much for your encouragement. Soon I will be ready to dive into them…after Jeff gets home! Have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
jodie filogomo
You have such a talent with your writing and words Shelbee. Seriously, I just loved that poem.
And look at you out braving the cold in that snow…eeek!! But the hat is adorable, and I have one that I should wear.
XOOX
Jodie
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Jodie! I am so flattered by all the wonderful feedback I am receiving in response to this post and that poem. It really is such an intimidating thing sharing those dark bits of our souls, but my goodness, the pull for me is so strong to continue doing it. Facing my fears daily! And I would love to see your hat similar to mine! I bet it is adorable on you.
xoxo
Shelbee
Darlene
I think Kellyann’s idea about a book is brilliant!! You already have the perfect title: Shelbee on the Edge!! The beauty of words is that they all speak to SOMEONE out there who can feel them deeply. Go for it, girl! Oh, and you look beautiful in those winter photos!
xx Darlene
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Darlene, thank you so much! You all are so supportive and wonderful, I can feel the love just coming straight through my computer screen! This is a goal and dream of mine…to write something powerful that will reach someone who needs it. But my goodness, it intimidates me more than anything else in life! I need to face this fear and get on with it. Knowing that I have the support of this entire beautiful community certainly helps. I hope you have a wonderful weekend, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Maureen
Purrfect outfit Shelbee and you are an inspiration! Your poem is beautifully written and I am so glad you shared it. Being vulnerable is not easy and I love your courage to do so in order to help others. Well, we finally made it to another weekend – super yay! Wishing you and your family a wonderful one.
Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Maureen, thank you so much! Being publicly vulnerable really is quite an intimidating thing. We have to strike the perfect balance of showing strength with our vulnerabilities especially because my goal is to help others not to seek sympathy for myself. It is difficult sometimes to convey that clearly because we cannot control how people interpret what we write or why we write it. I am so glad that another weekend has arrived because Jeff will be home on Monday! This has felt like the longest separation of his entire career! The past 3 weeks have felt longer than a 9 month deployment! I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Deborah Stinedurf
First things first…you are looking super cute and I love that hat on you! Now the journals…if they’re calling to you after all of theses years there is most definitely a reason for it. However, be sure to tread lightly my friend. Those of us with dark pasts need to be sure to leave a very bright light on at the end of the tunnel to ensure that we find our way back. Jeff is your light so absolutely only do it when he is home with you. I do believe that what you find within those pages is meant to help pull others into the light and once that happens you’ll no longer have to fear the darkness ever again…xo
Debbie
http://www.fashionfairydust.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Debbie, I absolutely just teared up reading your comment. Thank you so very much for these extraordinarily supportive, encouraging, and understanding words. I agree with every sentiment you have expressed. These journals are calling to me quite loudly and the pull is strong. I remember the one time I briefly went inside of them to pull out a few excerpts to do a Freudian analysis on myself for a counseling class. I dissociated myself from what was written and viewed it like it was written by someone I didn’t know. My professor was so incredibly supportive and made me talk to my therapist before going forward with the project. When I handed in the paper, my professor told me it was the best piece of writing and analysis that he had ever read into his entire teaching career. I was flabbergasted by this compliment. But then I never went back into the journals. I think it is time again. But yes, once Jeff is home with me…which will be in just 3 short days!
xoxo
Shelbee
Laura Bambrick
You may have gone through a dark time, but you were able to help yourself in a constructive way, through writing. And you came out stronger than ever. It made you who you are today. I hope you one day go through those journals if you want to. There may be some parts in there that help others!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Laura, thank you so much! I have always found comfort and solace in expressing myself through writing. And all I have wanted to do with it ever since I finally arrived at a healthy place was to help others with my experiences and knowledge. So I really appreciate your comment. It is very validating! I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Gail
Inspiring poem Shelbee, optimistic and thoughtful. As if your psyche was sending you a message that everything was going to be ok.
Very honoured to be a favourite post. Thank you!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Gail! My psyche definitely does some pretty intense things at times! Ha. And it was my pleasure to feature you. Have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jean | Delightful Repast
Shelbee, if you had not already done the work and come out of that, I would encourage you to roll out that barrel! But since you have, I’m inclined to favor leaving it in the past. In fact, I would probably rather ceremoniously burn all those journals. You have the empathy, the talent and NEW words to help others now, without reliving your past agonies. Just my opinion, of course. Onward and upward!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jean, thanks so much for your feedback! I really appreciate that. But there are chunks of time that have been void of all memories and I kind of really want to know what that’s all about. Although I have made no final decision as of yet…they are still sitting in the bin in the basement!
xoxo
Shelbee
Mica
What a fun outfit – I like the print on print and black and white is always a classic! 🙂
I used to keep a journal when I was younger – I have no idea where it is now but I had a good giggle reading through it last time I uncovered it. I’m wondering now if it even made it to this house, I don’t remember seeing it in the move, but maybe my parents have it somewhere? Would be fun to show the kids when they are older!
Hope that you are having a lovely weekend 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mica, thanks so much for the lovely compliment and for sharing your journal story! I am afraid what is in my journals is not suitable for my children to read…ever! LOL. Which is why I probably should get through them at some point and not leave them for some unidentified time after I die! I hope you are having a lovely weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Amy Christensen
Shelbee, you have such a great group of followers who are willing to encourage you and I have to agree with them. I think writing is one of the most cathartic ways to deal with every emotion under the sun. I have journals full of joys, anger, sadness and struggle. I’ve written poems and stories and every word, helps to process life. I think it is a gift, one that can build up or tear down and I think you have the capability and the experience to do the former. I too, think it is a good idea to go back through those journals, but with the support system standing by, just in case they would bring back memories or feelings that are hard to process. Keep writing and sharing. Life is a journey, one that we are able to share with others. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Amy, thank you so much! I am seriously so overwhelmed by the feedback, support, and encouragement that I am receiving from this community. You know I never really felt like I belonged anywhere in life…always just sort of dancing around the outside of the circle just trying to get a glimpse of what goes on inside. Until blogging. What an amazing and wonderful community this is. I am so grateful for that. With my close support network of family and friends as well as my blogger friends, I feel confident that I can accomplish pretty much anything that I put my mind to. Writing is my passion and I have found a purpose in sharing my journey. Now it is time that I stop allowing fear to stand in the way of what I know that I am called to be doing. Thank you so very much! And I love that you are as avidly passionate about writing and the writing process as I am. I definitely appreciate friends who can relate to that driving desire to write it all out!
xoxo
Shelbee
Marilee Judith Gramith
Remember that your perspective is made of ALL that you have lived. Those journals are likely full to the brim of what drove you to THAT edge THEN.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE GOBBLED UP BY HER AND
YOU HAVE ALWAYS WISHED HER WELL.
YOU MY DEAR, ARE BRAVE AND STRONG.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
GIVE “HER” THE LOVE SHE STILL NEEDS.
THE EDGE ISN’T GETTING CLOSER AND LIFE HAS EARNED YOU A STRONGER STEADIER HEART.
YOU’RE NOT TRAVELING ON STILETTOS THIS TIME
AND
I’M PRETTY SURE,
YOU’RE WEARING YOUR OWN COMBAT BOOTS
Your pal Jude
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jude, you just made me cry a little! Thank you so much for these wonderfully empowering words of encouragement and support. Your words have definitely allowed me to see my own strength and I will not fall back into that dark place especially since I know that my purpose in going back is discovery and finding even more information to help others. I cannot thank you enough, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Makeup Muddle
I know the poem was written at a time of sadness, but it’s a really great thought-provoking poem! I wish I had the talent to write like that. Thank you for sharing it with us, I love your outfit xo
MakeupMuddle.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so very much for that wonderful comment! Every once in a while I find something that I wrote a long time ago and I am not completely humiliated by what it said. I guess I actually am kind of proud of that little poem!
xoxo
Shelbee
Anna Shirley
Shelbee, you are outstanding in addressing the uncomfortable things. You have the right way with words. I enjoy that about you. About those journals, maybe it will be interesting for you to go back. Perhaps only if you are feeling right now, and they will not take you back to the “dark” site.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Anna, thank you so much for your kind and very validating words. If I do go back into those journals, I definitely need to be in the right frame of mind…I am just kind of waiting for that time to come!
xoxo
Shelbee