You Deserve to Be Seen and Heard & #SpreadTheKindness Link Up #296
Last week I was doing a yin yoga class with affirmations for healing and one of the affirmations really struck me as something that needed further investigation. The exercise of using affirmations during meditative yoga practices is not meant to convince ourselves of the truth of any one affirmation. Instead, the practice is focused on finding which affirmations make you feel uncomfortable and then exploring the reasons for that discomfort. The affirmations are simply meant to prompt further self-examination and introspection.
The affirmation that really struck me during this particular yoga session was I deserve to be seen and heard. When working with affirmations in yin yoga, it is important to recognize our first reactions to certain ideas so we can try to gain more insight into our responses. And my response to this affirmation was an immediate, “I am not so sure that I do deserve to be seen and heard.”
The uncertainty was very strong in that moment which made me really want to figure out why I would feel so unsure about deserving to be seen and heard. It is an idea that I can support with 100% conviction when I apply it to any other person on the planet…you all deserve to be seen and heard…but when I apply it to myself I get super cringey for some reason.
So I took advantage of my time relaxing into each yoga asana and allowed my mind to wander and wonder in an attempt to figure out why this particular affirmation made me so uncomfortable and so uncertain.
The time spent in quiet contemplation led me to the following conclusions about the affirmation I deserve to be seen and heard.
First, I struggle with the word deserve. It reeks of entitlement and entitlement makes me really uncomfortable. Just the appearance of entitlement even when entitlement isn’t even there makes me extraordinarily uncomfortable. Entitled I am not and I will never be.
Second, many times in my life I have been criticized for my eclectic taste in fashion and my unique way of expressing myself through personal style. The criticism that has stuck most with me since childhood is this question that has been posed to me countless times…“Do you dress so weird just to get attention?” Isn’t that an offensive inquiry? The question itself has built into it the notion that I do not deserve to be seen. And if I don’t want to be seen in a negative way, then I damn well better blend in with everyone around me.
Third, I have always been a person who likes to have meaningful discussions around uncomfortable topics. I find this is the best way to make uncomfortable topics comfortable. But most of the world will disagree with me. I know this because every single time I have discussed an uncomfortable topic, it is inevitable that someone will attempt to silence me. Thereby delivering the message over and over again that I also do not deserve to be heard. If every time we speak our truth someone is there telling us that our truth is unacceptable, how can any of us find value in this world?
So when I was asked to repeat the affirmation, I deserve to be seen and heard, it makes sense that I would have a very confused reaction. I know with all of my being that everyone deserves to be seen and heard. And I also know that I personally am included in the collective “everyone”. Yet I struggle with accepting this fact because our culture at large continues to bombard us with contradictory messages about our worth.
So how do we go about finding our value in a world that sends us such confusing messages?
*Note about my outfit…I wore this look on the last day of school back in June and I received lots of compliments so I wanted to share it before winter comes knocking at my door! I know it’s a summer outfit but the dress will transition easily into fall with boots and a blazer. Perhaps a camouflage jacket would work so nobody sees me! Hahaha.
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Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Joining these Fabulous Link Parties.
Outfit Details: Dress-Target / Sandals-Torrid / Hat-Burlington Coat Factory / Earrings-Cato / Necklace-Old
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
52 Comments
Jennifer
That’s a word I struggle with too!
Jennifer
Curated by Jennifer
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
The word deserve carries a lot of weirdness, doesn’t it?!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy
Words are just words to me. But are they really? I don’t know. Some people have a word for a year. Sounds interesting.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks, Nancy! I think words carry a lot of power in them. They can do as much harm as good if we don’t execute our words carefully. I do like to have a focus word for the year because I have always related to the power of words!
xoxo
Shelbee
Pamela
Oh dear I think we were told (in my day) so much as children to be seen and not heard that it takes a long time to rub off. But I do whole heartedly agree that we should be seen and heard, just that it’s a fine balancing line for a woman between being gently assertive and turning into a devil woman! A man gets away with being enthusiastic and knowledgeable!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I believe we were told the same thing as young children, Pamela! What a crazy message to deliver to kids! And there are definitely different rules for being seen and heard depending on your gender. No wonder we are all so confused!
xoxo
Shelbee
Maureen
You always bring up great topics Shelbee! I agree that the word deserve can have a negative connotation but I know that it is a word that is also empowering as well as encouraging. In my opinion, we are all unique. Therefore, the way we see or do things will be different. But at the end of the day, the most important opinion about worth is our own. So don’t stop being you and those confusing messages, they are just noise. Thank you so much for the feature! What a fun surprise. You’ve made my day and as always, truly grateful for your friendship. I hope your week is off to a great start and happy Tuesday!
Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Maureen, thank you so much, my sweet friend. While I agree that our opinions about ourselves are most important, I also think that we all need some outside validation as well. Except for maybe truly narcissistic people whose self images are completely immune from public critique! Sometimes the negative messages from outside get absorbed by us especially if these messages are coming at us with any sort of frequency. We can rise above it if we have buckets of self confidence already. But what about those who don’t? Our world needs to be kinder in what it is telling each of us on an individual level! I hope you are having a wonderful week, my friend. I appreciate you!
xoxo
Shelbee
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar Strauss-Benjamin
I’ve wrestled with this as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks, Tamar! The messages we deliver to people are way more impactful than any of us really realize, I think.
xoxo
Shelbee
Amy Johnson
That is such a sweet outfit. Thanks for the party.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Amy! I felt really pretty in this outfit!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
Really interesting post, Shelbee! Women receive so many contradictory judgments from society in general (like don’t be a prude, but don’t be a slut) and then when one of us dares to do our own thing, well holy shit that’s not acceptable. I’m sorry that anyone has ever tried to shame you into being less than who you are. You are one of the most vibrant people I know. I love your mind; I love your style; I love your attitude toward life.
I’ve always struggled with the word “deserve,” because it requires a judgment. First off it’s most often used with ideas of punishment. “He got what he deserved.” I shrink from the idea of retribution or vengeance. If a person is dangerous, then yes they need to be removed from society, the same way we corral a raging bull, or put down a rabid animal. But I find the revenge often attached to the word “deserve” in this connotation distasteful and unnecessary.
Even the positive use of the word, “She deserves to have a good life,” bothers me because it’s a judgment that implies that some people don’t deserve to have a good life. Personally I want everyone to have a good life. And sadly, I’ve never heard anyone say, “Everyone deserves a good life.” That’s a sentiment I can get behind.
So yeah, I guess the word “deserve” is filled with a lot of baggage attached for me as well. LOL! But yes everyone deserves to be seen and heard, and that certainly includes you!
Michelle
https://mybijoulifeonline.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh Michelle, now you’ve gone and made my eyes get all leaky! Thank you so much for such a kind and thoughtful comment. The contradictory messages we all receive from the world are so confusing. The issue of gender has come up multiple times in the comments and I am curious if this is a gender issue at all. I have received negative messages from the world from both genders equally. In fact, women may actually be worse than men when it comes to invalidating and trying to diminish other women. I have also encountered lots of women who thrive on berating and diminishing men. It all seems like a bunch of nonsense to me. Why can’t we all just lead with love and compassion for other humans? I believe everyone deserves to be happy and valued and loved!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
You’re right, women can be the worst. And somehow I think it hurts worse too.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
It does have a special sting to it when it comes from women.
Rosemary Davis
The words are so powerful and have such an impact on our lives. Indeed they need to be examined and then we can make peace with them and ourselves.
Rosemary
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Rosemary! I agree that words are so powerful and have lasting effects on us, for sure. Self examination and introspection have always helped me find peace in the words that impact me. I hope you are having a marvelous week!
xoxo
Shelbee
Niky
Love the dress and hat, but especially the shoes. 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Niky!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lizzie
Beautiful outfit and beautiful post! The very things that you spoke about are what makes you unique!! I love that you have such an eclectic style. It’s interesting, fun and an easy conversation starter. After all, life is too short, dress how you want! Secondly, I also like that you cover taboo topics in an authentic way. You just don’t see this but I think that it bring sa new perspective and causes us to think about things in a different way. We are learning and that in itself is valuable. I can understand where you are coming from though. Remember – I’ve had my own struggles with other people accepting my fashion (especially as a people pleaser). The world does send confusing messages and this is something that I discuss with my husband often. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t even know where I belong… in my town, in the blogging world, etc. But I will say that after I stopped caring about what people thought and just did my thing and wore what I wanted to wear, I realized my true value. Before, I tried to get my value from others but it’s internal and we’re in charge of that. Thank you for opening up another valuable conversation!
Lizzie
http://www.lizzieinlace.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lizzie, thank you so much for such an insightful comment. I really appreciate the feedback and your willingness to share your own struggles in this confusing world. While I agree that we are responsible for determining our own worth, a little outside validation certainly never hurts to help maintain one’s feelings of value! I do know that we all, myself included, have intrinsic value and worth. I also know that many of us struggle with realizing that intrinsic value. And yet, even in our own struggles, many of us still can’t find a way to support and uplift others in their struggles. I just feel like we can all be a little kinder to each other, a little more accepting, a little more loving, and a little more caring for our human kin! We are all in this together and we seem to all have similar struggles which should unite us instead of dividing us. Arrgh. It is a really confusing world! But I am so glad to have found this beautiful community that is always so supportive! Keep shining bright, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Joanne
I often don’t want to be seen or heard! LOL. I really only speak up in very, very small groups or with close friends and family because I acquate being “seen and heard” as being the center of attention and that makes me suuper uncomfortable. What a lovely thought provoking post!!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Joanne! I can totally relate to that feeling. I get super uncomfortable drawing any actual real life attention to myself. Blogging feels like a much safer way to be seen and heard for me! I am so uncomfortable with being the center of attention that I refused to have any kind of bridal or baby showers because I just cannot be comfortable in a room full of people bestowing gifts and attention on me. Ugh. That is just too much for my sensitive psyche to handle! I hope you are having a lovely week, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
jodie
Gosh, I loved reading this Shelbee. I do think it can be hard for some women. I think much of it depends on how we feel about our life. When I was in my abusive marriage, I definitely wouldn’t have agreed. But now is a different story.
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Jodie! Oh goodness, if we are talking about first marriages, I can definitely relate. When I was married the first time, my husband and his entire family and social networks continually reinforced the idea that it was okay if I was seen as long as I was dressed to their standards but it was never okay for me to be heard. The reprimands were plenty every time I tried to share my opinion or speak my truth. Sadly, I suppose that has stuck with me to a certain extent. But I did learn how to set boundaries and demand that those boundaries are respected like a pro!
xoxo
Shelbee
Mica - Away From The Blue
I hope you find the affirmation easier with time – we do deserve good things for sure!
I really liek that dress too – the post I linked up has me in my tiered midi dresses, they are such a staple and while they do layer nicely in cooler weather I love them in warm weather too!
Thank you for the link up! Hope your day is going well 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Mica! I really appreciate that and I agree with you completely that we all deserve good things in life. I love your tiered midi dresses! You always share such creative layering tricks! I hope you are having a wonderful week, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Your True Self
Hi, Shelbee – You know that everyone deserves to be seen and heard, so everyone is accepted by you. But there are others who don’t accept everyone, which you and all of us have felt when confronted by their judgments. It’s time that you and the rest of us accept ourselves as deserving. It’s a task for this time we’re in. Thanks for promoting a circle of acceptance – Angie, http://www.yourtrueselfblog.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Angie, thanks so much for this beautiful comment. I really appreciate it! Isn’t it funny how we struggle to accept ourselves all the while trying so hard to get others to accept us? We do need to love and accept ourselves first! We are all deserving of love and kindness and joy and happiness and success and health and all the good things in life! Thank you for also promoting acceptance and kindness. Keep shining bright, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Laura Bambrick
Very thought provoking post today! It’s a good mantra to use and remind ourselves. And yet I can see why you struggle. I would too-although I have been trying to be better about speaking up for myself!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Laura! This affirmation is really loaded with all sorts of things that I need to work on when it comes to self esteem and self worth. Speaking up for yourself is a trait that many of us can work on, including me! I hope you are having a wonderful week, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Marsha Banks
I love this post, Shelbee! First, I love the affirmations and the way they should be used. I have never heard of this and think it’s more effective than just looking in a mirror and affirming yourself for whatever reason. Second, I think you are probably right. We, primarily because we’re female, tend to be taken so much less seriously just because we are women. Last, YOU DO DESERVE TO BE HEARD AND SEEN because your words and pictures are important to you, your friends, and the world. So, keep working on that affirmation, my friend! It’s a good thing we aren’t neighbors…we’d be having all the uncomfortable conversations and solving so many problems…wait, maybe we should be neighbors!!!
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Marsha, thanks so much, my friend! You know, I hadn’t even considered this issue as being a gender one, but it has come up multiple times in responses so now I am curious if many men can relate to my perspective. To be clear though, I have witnessed both men and woman equally doing things to silence or invalidate others. This makes me think that men and women are also invalidated equally. Our world is a very confusing and confused place! And we should definitely be neighbors! Oh, the conversations we would have that could to solve all sorts of problems!
xoxo
Shelbee
Gail
You’ve got such a great knack for identifying real psychological and emotional posers! I don’t like the word deserve either, I tend to think why am I any more deserving than other people? I’ll be mulling over this one!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Gail. I am always mulling over some sort of conundrum like this! It is comforting to know that I am not alone in being bothered by the word deserve. I hope you are having a wonderful week!
xoxo
Shelbee
Bojana Krienke
You truly are one of the most reflective people I’ve had the pleasure of reading online. As I read this post, many pieces resonated with me and in the third point of not being heard and having discussions with people was intresting. I often have an opinion or point of view, but it is intresting that although we are moving towards equal space, i often choose not to share at work, out in public, etc. I really enjoy learning from other people and their point of view. Conversations can often lead to long processes of contemplation and reflection. This whole thing had me wondering what it would be liek to have an actual conversation with you. I bet you would have lots of intresting stories, perspectives, but I also feel taht it would be calm and open. So maybe one day. Happy Wednesday!
P.S. Thanks for the shout out. And the word “deserve” also had me reacting/feeling the same way.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh my goodness, Bo, thank you so much for this beautiful comment! I think you and I would have some pretty fascinating conversations given the opportunity! I am a big believer that the more people we know, the more we can grow. We all have something that others can benefit from and a sharing world is so much better than a world that consistently tries to shut people up or make them invisible. Other than what I share through my online writing, I often don’t choose to speak up in group environments either…unless it is with my closest, most trusted people. Self-preservation tends to dominate what I share face to face because people can be so incredibly cruel. I have learned the hard way and so now I am very hesitant even being around too many people in real life! I hate to turn cynical in my middle years, but it seems to be happening anyway. Arrgh. So instead, I choose to focus on my happy places which are entirely within the safety of my home! Haha.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jean | Delightful Repast
Shelbee, what an interesting topic! And in one of your comments above, ” I hadn’t even considered this issue as being a gender one,” jumped out at me because I’ve known many boys and men who have been deeply affected by the negative messages they heard growing up. Love the “spread the kindness” message because the sooner we all realize that we need to be kind to everyone, whether we deem them deserving or not, the better off we’ll all be. Daily I see online so many people who think they can throw kindness out the window when expressing their opinions to or about others who hold different opininions than their own. Very discouraging.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh my goodness, Jean, you expressed this so perfectly! Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words and empowering perspective. We do need so much more kindness, understanding, and acceptance in this world. And we really cannot blame one gender more than the other because I find that cruelty comes in every form of human being. But so does kindness. So I guess my job is to rally the kind people to spread even more kindness so we can keep the unkind people at bay! Love and kindness will always be my guiding temperament and hopefully that’s enough to keep me from getting too discouraged. Keep shining your bright light into the universe, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Anita Ojeda
Oh, boy! I think I struggle with the word ‘deserve,’ too! I grew up knowing I deserved to be seen and heard–and NOT knowing that many people don’t share that knowledge. I’ve spent 30+ years of my life as an educator trying to instill ‘you deserve to be seen and heard’ into my underrepresented and marginalized students’ psyches. I have no idea how successful I’ve been, but I know I must try my best. This brings up a lot of uncomfortable conversations with students (me, the vanilla white woman trying to explain why I want to hear their voices and their opinions and why they need to learn to advocate for themselves) and with WASPS like myself who don’t understand that poverty for a white man is inherently different than poverty for a Native man.
OH, and I love blue and white stripes :).
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh wow, Anita, thank you so much for sharing this wonderful comment. I so admire the work you do, helping marginalized students to find and use their voices and to know their worth and value themselves in this very strange world. The white person’s experience in America is so different from the experiences of any other race here. It is sad that so many are unable to see that. And folks like you who want to help people to see and repair these inequalities are such a blessing to this world. Keep shining bright, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Carol
Interesting post! At age 72, I have absolutely no problem accepting that I “deserve” certain things. These include unconditional love, respect, and the right to be seen and heard. However, I don’t think that I “deserve” monetary gain or material posessions without working for them, nor do I think I deserve power over others. So — I guess you’d have to say “deserve . . . what?”
Thank you for sharing this post in the Talent-Sharing Tuesdays Link-Up 37.
Carol
http://www.scribblingboomer.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you, Carol! I really like your perspective on the word deserve. While it does give me vibes of entitlement, you are so right that it depends on what we deserve! We do all deserve unconditional love and happiness. We all deserve respect and kindness as well. And we definitely deserve to be seen and heard. But oooof, this world of ours can really deliver some confusing messages!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Sorry I am so late. What a wacky week this was. I think we get confusing messages is because our world is confusing. People are afraid of dancing to their own beat and want to be part of the crowd which is easier. A lot of people secretly deep down want to be individuals but are afraid of the herd not accepting them. Anyway, that is my two cents.
Looking very nice there and keep your style. It is great.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Patrick! I agree with you. Especially since I have never been a herd member! I never quite fit in with the herd and I am okay with that. I hope you have a fabulous day, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lisa notes
Yes, you definitely deserve to be seen and heart, Shelbee! I love your “voice” that you speak through online through your words, photos, viewpoints, etc. I enjoy seeing and hearing you. 🙂 I don’t know if thinking we need to be quiet is more of a female thing since we live in a patriarchal culture but I’m glad to see it shifting away from that. The struggle is real though; I’ve felt it my whole life.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lisa, thanks so much for your very kind and supportive words. I really appreciate that. The gender component of this keeps coming up but then I wonder because there are plenty of women in the world who also try to silence other women as well as men. Our patriarchal culture definitely feeds it though! The struggle is for real!
xoxo
Shelbee
chickenruby
I think you always look amazing and if that makes me weird also, then weird is a place I like to be. Thanks for linking with #pocolo
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, Suzanne, thanks so much! You are so sweet. This comment really made me smile. Weirdos are my people!
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy Turner
Gosh, Shelbee, what a wonderful post, my friend! I think many people probably struggle with the same thing. I know I did…but I refuse to any more. I deserve to be seen and heard if that’s what I wish, and you certainly do too!
I love yin yoga every now and again. It can be tough sometimes though! Do you actually go out to a class or do you do it via YouTube? I ask, because this particularly class sounds a bit like Yoga with Kassandra which I do quire often?
I hope all is well with you, lovely!
Big hugs
Suzy xx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, thanks so much, Suzy! I am so grateful to have you as a friend who empowers and inspires me! And you are spot on with the yin yoga…I always go to Yoga with Kassandra on YouTube! She is my absolute favorite. Every once in a while, I try someone new on YouTube and I have not yet liked anyone better Kassandra! I like her so much that I had to add a courtesy link to her channel right there. Haha. I have never done a class outside of my home. I once made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror in some complicated asana and I laughed so hard I vowed to never do yoga in public places! I have worked myself up to doing sunrise yoga when we go festival camping, but anyone who might see me then is probably not all the way awake enough to register anything! Ha.
xoxo
Shelbee