When You Realize Your Strength is a Weakness
When you possess a quality inherent in your personality that has been viewed by many as a strength for your entire life and you wake up one day and realize that is was an extraordinary weakness that has broken your entire sense of reality, it can rattle you right to your core. This is what I have been dealing with this past week and the reason I have been quite absent from my blog and social media. It takes a lot of internal processing to figure out what exactly to do with it all. I had to bring into question my entire sense of self and a large part of my reality and do some serious internal and external investigative work.
I am sure I have piqued the curiosity of some of you by this point. So let me continue. This quality that I am referring to is trust and honesty. I walk out into the world every single day trusting everyone I meet and even those whom I will never meet. I trust honestly, sincerely, and wholeheartedly with absolutely no effort on your part. You don’t need to earn my trust. I believe you all deserve it. Until you prove to me that you don’t. Some may think me an idiot for approaching life this way. But there are many situations where this quality is a tremendous asset and strength. Honesty is of the utmost importance to me. I give genuine honesty in everything I do. As a result, I expect it in return with no questions asked, no eyebrows raised. You get what you see from me with no apologies, no surprises, no deception. So naturally, I assume that you are returning the same to me. It’s just who I am. How I am. Right down to the very essence of my being.
Even though I give my trust freely, when someone has breached it I simply cannot and will not tolerate it. I am not talking about little white lies that we all engage in for whatever reasons…usually to protect someone or something that we love. Those tiny fibs are easily and quickly forgiven and forgotten. I am talking about profound deceptions that take time and effort to weave. Lies that run so deep that you believe them as absolute truths because you can no longer see clearly through the muddled duplicity. The kind of falsehoods that upon discovery, you actually question your own reality, your own sense of self. A gas lighting of sorts. That kind of nefarious betrayal I just cannot accept as anything but an iniquity that is simply not welcomed in my world.
When the cracks in your perceived reality begin to surface, an awakening starts to happen. Slowly at first. As momentum is gained, it almost becomes too much to take it all in. It feels like you are coming out of a very long coma. Flashes of coherency pour down upon you in waves of confusing images. Your gut begins to react. And as you shed the intricate layers of falsities from your firmly planted image of reality, you begin to question your own sanity. Fortunately, the people who love you the most are right there to help you hold on to your previous sense of an accurate reality. With every ounce of spirituality in my soul, I thank God for those people. I had lost myself somewhere deep in the recesses of this alternate reality that was never mine. And if I hadn’t been pulled to the surface when I was, who knows what insane outcome I would be facing in the future. I do have to say that the sun is shining so much brighter on this side of it.
So now you may be wondering if I have learned my lesson. Will I be less trusting going forward? Will I correct this weakness in my personality? And the most honest answer that I can give to that question is probably no. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I have been warned that being too trusting makes me vulnerable to the dishonest and manipulative people in this world. I have been told that it is a weakness and not much of strength at all. I have been burned by it before. And I am sure I will be burned by it again. But I will not change the one thing that makes me who I am. I will not change my belief in the goodness of most people. I will not step outside of my house skeptical of everyone and everything around me. I just won’t live my life that way. It would make me too unhappy. I am so much more fulfilled believing in the goodness and honesty of the people around me. And I choose happiness even at the expense of getting burned every now and then.
What I will change is this…I will be much more in tune to warnings and signs. When my gut tells me, “Well, now that was kind of odd or weird or unsettling,” I won’t merely brush it off as harmless. I will investigate a little deeper right at the onset of something that makes me raise an eyebrow even the slightest bit. I will ask questions and prod for deeper explanations. And I will continue to trust you all going forward until you prove yourselves undeserving of my trust. And if that happens, I will walk away without regret, without apology, with my head held high in the knowledge that you may have fooled me, but you will never break me. And you sure as hell will never have even the slightest of opportunities to do it to me again.
I want to take a moment here to say thank you to all of my blogger friends who have reached out to me personally to make sure I was okay. Your thoughtfulness and concern has overwhelmed me. And I am so grateful for all of you who travel this journey with me…beside me as my friends. I will be just fine. Because I am strong and resilient and I know exactly who I am and how quickly I mend. Stay true to yourselves, my friends. And don’t ever let the bad people make you question yourself or change your beliefs in all things good and kind. There will always be bad people in this world. Sometimes they will win, but we can never give them any satisfaction in those triumphs. Because at the end of every long dark road that I have traveled, I have always found light. And at the end of each road, I get closer to the realization that this light comes from inside of me. And that is the greatest victory of all.
Unapologetic, honest, and unbroken on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Ups.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
43 Comments
Tiina L
Maybe you shouldn’t see it as a weakness, or strenght, but just a quality you have. A quality that some people have and some don’t. Unfortunately, you can’t see whether they do or don’t just by looking at them…
What I’m trying to say, I understand the hurt that comes from being betrayed (in my case by those I thought should have been ’on my side’ and who I considered close, on more than one occasion). And I’m not a trusting person, quite the opposite. I expect everyone to have their hidden agenda and ’wanting something’ from me. That’s not a nice way to live, either. It’s not easy to make friends when you ’know’ that sooner or later they’re going to stab you in the back. On the other hand, occasionally there are pleasant surprises when you meet people without any agendas… I hope you won’t lose that quality you find so central to your personality. In the end, we can’t control how other people see the world and treat people, we can only manage our own expectations. But trust me, always expecting the worst is exhausting (yeah, I’m working on changing that…)
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tiina, thank you for this! I was actually just saying the same sort of thing to a friend of mine. These qualities of our personalities, while they may be strengths in certain circumstances, they are also weaknesses in others. And why do we phrase them that way? Can’t they just be aspects of personalities without labeling them good or bad? Many people are like you where they are wary of everyone’s possible hidden agenda, but I would guess there are equally as many like me who trust freely. And there is nothing “wrong” with either approach. We just are who we are and we deal with the consequences of that every step of the way. I do hope you can find a less exhausting way though, for your sake! Working on ourselves is a lifelong process, for sure. I really appreciate you sharing this comment, my friend. It gave me a great perspective.
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar Strauss-Benjamin
I love your writing and honesty!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tamar, thank you so much! I really appreciate that.
xoxo
Shelbee
Kellyann Rohr
I can relate Shelbee, I used to find myself getting hurt quite often but as you mentioned I have learned to listen to my gut, my instinct honestly don’t fail me. I have also learned that hurt people, hurt people. It’s really true and helps me make sense of why in the world people choose to do the things they do. Knowing that doesn’t make it hurt less however. I am incapable of making myself stop feeling but time helps. I continue to trust and expect honesty because that is who I am – just as you are who you are. And I think that is pretty terrific!
xo,
Kellyann
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Kellyann, I cannot thank you enough for this comment and your perspective. I like who I am and I cannot change that for the sake of putting up walls around myself. It’s not how I want to live. And I agree that hurt people do hurt people. But I also think hurt people should focus on healing rather than hurting. It is their responsibility to find peace with their hurt and not at the expense of others. I hope you have a fabulous week, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jodie
I think it’s the hardest when you feel taken for and used. But I always think it’s better to trust and for some reason I think we tend to trust others if we are trustworthy. So the people who’s first thought is NOT to trust, make me think they aren’t trustworthy. Maybe that’s silly reasoning, but I would hate to be on the lookout all of the time!!
There are always bad people out there, but you can’t change you lovely self just for them.
You are amazing, and I’m glad you back!!
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jodie, thank you so much for everything! For recognizing that there may be something wrong, for being genuinely concerned for me, and for reaching out. I appreciate that more than I can even express. And I cannot agree with you more…I won’t change who I am for the sake of the bad people in the world. I will remain true to myself always. I will pick myself up and move forward better and stronger than ever. And I will continue to trust. You are amazing and I am glad to be back!
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy Turner
Shelbee, you always write with such intense honesty – it’s one of the many wonderful things that I love so much about you. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt though – it’s so hard to know what to say in situations like this, other than, as a distant pal, I am here for you, my friend <3
Huge hugs
Suzy xxx
http://www.suzyturner.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Suzy, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate all of your support and your friendship!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jane
This reminds me of Kintsugi, the Japanese phliosophy as it relates to the ancient tradition of repairing broken ceramics with gold laquer. I quote the ancient texts of Wiki Pedia:
“Not only is there no attempt to hide the damage, but the repair is literally illuminated… a kind of physical expression of the spirit of mushin….Mushin is often literally translated as “no mind,” but carries connotations of fully existing within the moment, of non-attachment, of equanimity amid changing conditions. …The vicissitudes of existence over time, to which all humans are susceptible, could not be clearer than in the breaks, the knocks, and the shattering to which ceramic ware too is subject. This poignancy or aesthetic of existence has been known in Japan as mono no aware, a compassionate sensitivity, or perhaps identification with, [things] outside oneself”
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Okay, Jane, this could not be any more brilliant. Are you equating my philosophies with that of the wise Kintsugi? Because if you are then you are an even better friend that I thought you were. I love you! Thanks for this.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jane
Of course! Reading this, I immediately thought of Kintsugi. Do the Japanese hide away their gilded bowls once they’ve been repaired? No! It’s the repair that makes these pieces so beautiful and treasured. What was once a fragile ceramic eventually becomes more gold than clay, and with each fracture and repair, the piece becomes stronger and brighter, like you my friend!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh my word, I adore you so much! You are so brilliant and I am so lucky to have you in my corner through this crazy, crazy life. 30 years of history says something about both of us, for sure! I have had you in my life longer than I had my father and nearly as long as I had my mother. That really does make you closer than family…especially because I chose you as such!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Very beautiful post. I don’t really trust anyone. It is in my DNA (Way too deep and long of a story to get into) I am the “Doubting Thomas”. I need to figure it out for myself and I put no faith into people. I admire those who can trust others, I am getting better at it but as Will Rodgers once said “There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” I am in the group that has to learn by peeing because I don’t trust well.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Patrick, I admire your honesty and the fact that you know exactly who you are! That is half the battle, in my opinion. Knowing what drives us forward and who we are. And I don’t know if my being so trusting is admirable or not because clearly it causes me problems. All the while you are peeing on electric fences, at least you own the responsibility of causing yourself that harm! Ha. I do love that analogy/quote, by the way. Thanks for stopping by, my friend, and for being you!
xoxo
Shelbee
Alicia O'Brien
Don’t change a thing. It’s the deceivers that have the problem, who have to sleep straight at night, who need to change behaviour. Keep being what makes you, you x
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Alicia, thank you so much! Unfortunately, I think some deceivers deny their deceptions even to themselves. But you are right, it is their problem to deal with the consequences of their behaviors.
xoxo
Shelbee
Victoria
Good for you for remaining true to yourself. I have been “burned” so many times that I no longer expect honesty from anyone. I don’t think it is a good or bad way to live it just is how I live. I take most things people say or do with a grain of salt, I figure they are living in their own reality and don’t let them get close enough to hurt me. There are times I would like to go back to my age of innocence but there is no way to go back to not knowing.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Victoria, thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story. It is just the way we live and we should never apologize for who we are. I will remain true to myself always and I will hang on to that tiny bit of innocence that I left!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jennifer White
I LOVED this
Shelbee you are such a great writer and inspiration.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh my goodness, Jennifer, thank you so, so much! And thank you for the personal message today as well. I really appreciate your friendship!
xoxo
Shelbee
Helen C.
Such a beautiful post! (By the way,m I have exactly the same trait!).
Some traits are somehow bad for yourself (like be kind to everyone can lead to people taking advantage of you) and others are bad for others around you (like someone who treats others aggressively). We cannot change our personalities but we can learn to control a little bit our behavior so as not to hurt ourselves or others. The journey is long though 😉 I am glad you are navigating through it and learning along the way!🔝👌
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Helen, thank you so much for this beautiful comment and for your amazing long distance friendship. I appreciate you so much. You are such a wonderful person with a heart of gold. By the way, I have a Shelbee Says blog post in the works for you this week. I hope you are doing well, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Helen C.
I feel the same way 😘
I feel so honored to have a post from you, I can´t wait to read it!
I am coping well…¨ok¨ at the moment. I am shyly reading your posts but have little strength to comment. I try to have my routine because that helps me.
I am sending you lots of hugs and, although I am not internet active as you know, I surely read you ❤
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Helen, you are so sweet. I am working on the post this week and it should be published on Sunday. Please take care of yourself on your own timeline. I hope that you are feeling more like yourself soon, my friend. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
Shelbee
Helen C.
😘
Marilee Gramith
Oh Shelbee! I’m so very sorry for the pain that someone has caused you with their lies, disrespectful behavior and deceit. I don’t know the details but I do know the anguish of feeling completely broken by someones betrayal. You describe the emotions of being deceived and left grasping for some greater sense of reality so well.
Like you, I’m not going to become untrusting as a result. To cut myself off from the joy of being available to living each moment honestly would truly be a denial of myself. The disappointment is overwhelming, the self awareness cuts like a knife. Your beautiful friend reminded you of the Japanese appreciation of learning from our wounds…our cracks are highlighted and shining golden in the sunlight.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jude, I cannot thank you enough for this beautiful comment. And I definitely will not deny myself the qualities about me that make my life rich and fulfilled. I will just be a bit more in tune to signs and warnings when I receive them. And yes, isn’t that a beautiful analogy from my friend? It brought tears to my eyes. There are enough good and wonderful people (like yourself) in this world that I can sufficiently surround myself with them.
xoxo
Shelbee
Marie Moody aka XmasDolly
I’ve learned that there isn’t anything anyone can do for me that I cannot do better myself, but there comes a time you just have to let them help and thank them for giving it there all (and then take it apart & do it yourself hehehehe). Sometimes though you just have to give in, and let that help in. I don’t trust anyone, but myself and my God. Doesn’t mean I don’t trust, but there is a limit that I will go. First thing you need to learn is who you are and to trust in yourself and God, and you’ll be just fine. Don’t depend on anyone, but you. Anyway, that’s my philosophy and I’m stickin’ to it. I learned the hard way, but I learned and that’s an accomplishment in itself. Catch my drift? Have a nice day and I think you’re on the right track… definitely! YOU GO GIRL!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Marie, thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words and for being raw and open and sharing your experience with me. I am definitely on the right track and have been for quite a while. Just sometimes we all get a little bit off track and have to right ourselves again. I am back on my right track and feeling great about it!
xoxo
Shelbee
Claire
Hi Shelbee, lovely writing. I am very much like you. I trust everyone and then it is not until something happens that it shocks me 🙁
Love your long floaty dress with shorts. Looks great. Thanks for sharing at Creative Mondays 🙂 Hope you can join us tomorrow.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Claire! Like my friend Jane said, it is our cracks that have been repaired more beautiful than ever that raise us above the people who crack us. Stay true to yourself, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Liz Klebba
Oh, Shelbee… I am so sorry you had to go through that. I had one of those “You mean the whole reality I thought I was living was based on a lie?” experiences about 15 years ago. It was frightening, and took some time to get through, but never once did I decide that trusting less was the answer; good for you for not going there. The years since have taught me to live more fearlessly, honestly, and openly than before. And if others can’t hang with it, that’s their problem. Not yours. I’ve been called naive and foolish, but most people will live up to the expectation you set. If you look for deception and betrayal, you will attract those who make it a specialty. I’d rather live in the light!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Liz, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and for your very kind and encouraging words. It means a lot to know that I am not the only one who has been duped for being too honest and open. I hate that anyone has to go through these experiences, but they are the experiences that make us stronger and wiser and reinforce the importance of always remaining true to ourselves. I will continue living in light just like you!
xoxo
Shelbee
Carmela
#BlogCrush
It really is so hard to find a person whom you can really trust. People are very good liars. I just realized this after watching the first three episodes of How To Get Away With Murder. Now I feel paranoid and I now have this hyperawareness that people are not what they really are.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh no, Carmela! Don’t let a television show make you doubt the goodness that lies in most people! I am not even letting dishonest people in real life ruin that for me! Thanks so much for reading!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lucy At Home
Oh Shelbee – I’m not exactly sure what has happened but I really hope you’re okay. I am often criticised for the opposite problem – for being too guarded and being skeptical of everyone’s nice behaviour towards me. I am learning more and more that life is about balance and trying to find somewhere in the middle of the two positions is probably the most sensible and helpful, but it’s hard to go against a lifetime of habits. I really hope you’re okay – it sounds like a really difficult week for you. #blogcrush
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lucy, thank you so much for your kindness and for reaching out to me privately as well. I am doing quite well moving forward from it all and I am definitely no less trusting than I was before. But I will be more in tune to signs and signals when I see them in the future. Finding the perfect balance will be a lifelong journey, I suspect!
xoxo
Shelbee
Karren Haller
Thank you for sharing last week on Oh My Heartsie Girls Friday Features, this week your post is being featured!!
Hope you will stop by and share again. Have a great weekend!
Karren
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh wow, Karren, thank you so much! I am so flattered and so grateful for that. I will be making my link up rounds shortly! Have the most wonderful weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Susan Marinelli
Shelbee, I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing difficulties. Don’t change a thing about yourself, if you change, they win.
Not to minimize your troubles or anything, but you look fabulous! Is that kimono from Torrid? To paraphrase Gollum, I WANTS IT. MY PRECIOUS.
Sorry, black lace gets me all carried away. Am trying to rise about my black lace kimono lust, but I covet that baby.
Wear it again!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Susan, thank you so very much! I am not going to change a thing about myself. I simply cannot. And yes, this kimono is from Torrid from last year. But I did see a similar one that they are carrying this year. I absolutely love it! It was part of their swimwear collection if you go looking for a similar one! Actually, here is the link to the one they have now!
xoxo
Shelbee