When a Bad Dream Reminds You & Link Up On the Edge #101

July 6, 2018 / 64 Comments

Have you ever had a really bad dream that startles you awake and shakes you right down to your core? It’s as if you can feel your soul shiver and you can’t erase the images that flashed through your mind. Even after you have (thankfully) awaken from the dreadful reflection that your subconscious decided it was going to deliver to you. It’s dark. It’s creepy. It elicits feelings of dread that you thought you had conquered a lifetime ago. Yet, there they are again. Those old feelings that you believed you had laid to rest. Prominently displayed in your mind’s eye. Seemingly urging you to process all of those long forgotten emotions again. Why?

I had a dream like that last night. It was clear as can be yet it was too foggy to really see any of it clearly. One of those dreams I want to forget, but so vividly startling that I also want to remember every detail. I went to bed rather early last night and was asleep by 10:00. It was 11:34 when I peeked at the clock after abruptly sitting upright in my bed, near tears and unable to adequately catch my breath. I sat there for a minute too shaken to move before I finally crept to the bathroom. When I came back to bed a few moments later, I was compelled to hold my husband close, but not wanting to wake him. So I gently put one hand on his back for comfort until I was able to drift back into sleep…hoping with all my energy that I would fall into a dreamless slumber.

At this point, you are probably wondering what the heck I was dreaming that had shaken me so badly. In the twisted up nonsensical way that dreams form, I was reliving the final days of my mother’s life as she lay incoherent and oblivious in her nursing home bed. As we sat on the seemingly never ending death watch pondering what would come next, the dream was a mass of confusion and unwelcome emotions. I haven’t had a dream about my mother in years, so as I was attempting to fall asleep again, I couldn’t quite understand why now. What was my subconscious trying to tell me? I hadn’t really even spoken of her much recently so it wasn’t like memories of her were fresh in my mind. In fact, it wasn’t until I wrote the preceding paragraph that it dawned on me…

Yesterday would have been the day 12 years ago that we moved her to the nursing home and began the final death watch. Five days later, on July 10, 2006, she passed away. Five days of sitting beside her bed, waiting for the inevitable. Five days doesn’t seem all that long as I write it, but when you live it, it feels like an eternity. By the third day, you begin to pray for death to come. If you have ever sat and watched a loved one in those final days before death, you know the physical and emotional exhaustion that washes over your entire being. You begin to hope with the last bits of your energy for it to come to an end. You feel guilty for wishing it, but you have nothing left and you just want it to be over so you can start your life again. A life without this person in it seems impossible yet it is unavoidable. You can’t begin to put your pieces back together again until they have left for good. That is the point that you allow the grieving process to begin. Eventually, you find a new normal and life goes on the way it would. You look back with fond memories and realize years later that your life is wonderful despite the loss. You have successfully completed the grief process. Until randomly, these dreams come back and haunt you with a reminder of what was lost. No reason why. It just happens, I suppose. And today my heart is heavy and I feel a bit of sadness. But this too will pass as all things do.

So today, hug your loved ones close. Cherish them. And create as many wonderful memories as you can. Because at some point, the memories are all you have left. And sometimes those infrequent and fleeting reminders that come unexpectedly in your dreams.

And now the featured favorites from last week.

Bettye of Fashion Schlub shared her post, That Time My Daughter Dressed Me. I am loving this classic combination of black and white with cognac and gold accessories. And the high slits in Bettye’s tunic are so my style! I love that she recruited her daughter to bring a fresh perspective to her closet and create something fabulous!

Bettye of Fashion Schlub

Mel of Mom with Style shared her post, Brunch and Champagne. I love the way Mel is rocking her denim shorts and showing off her fabulous legs! And who doesn’t love a cute graphic tee any day of the week?

Mel of Mom with Style


Keeping it on the edge,

Shelbee

Linking up with these Fabulous Link Ups.

I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.

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64 Comments

  • Deborah Stinedurf

    July 6, 2018 at 1:44 pm Reply

    Ah my friend, a virtual hug to you. Every once in awhile I have one of those nightmares, and I wake up breathless and in tears. There are a couple of scenarios/situations that are the recurring themes in the hell-fests that my brain comes up with…and one of them is my mom. She died when I was 17 and her death was preceded by many years of sickness and me caring for her by myself. The end did not come quickly or easily and the residual guilt from those years runs deep. I’ve for the most part gotten past all of it, but like you, every once in awhile my subconscious decides it’s time for a walk down memory lane. The days after the nightmare the pain is as real as it was when it was still fresh, but as you said, it does pass. I suppose it’s not 100% bad since it does serve as a reminder to love those that we still have even harder. xo
    Debbie
    http://www.fashionfairydust.com

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:28 pm Reply

      Debbie, I cannot thank you enough for sharing your experience. It brought tears to my eyes, but it also comforted me exponentially. Sometimes when these things happen, these dreams that shake me all up, I feel like I am inherently weak and flawed for allowing it to shake me so. I have successfully processed the grief and live a wonderful and fulfilled life. But I suppose it is only natural that the void will always remain in some way…as evidenced by the periodic creeping back into the subconscious. And yes, the benefit is that it serves as a great reminder to love harder, longer, and deeper the people we still have. I am returning that virtual hug right back to you, my friend. Thank you.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Laurie

    July 6, 2018 at 1:48 pm Reply

    I don’t dream! I can’t help you on this one. Apparently, I more or less die when I’m asleep. Nothing wakes me up either. Not even the alarm clock!
    I wish you the sweetest of dreams this weekend though Shelbee xx

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:23 pm Reply

      Oh wow, Laurie! I thought everyone had dreams of some sort at least occasionally! But good for you that you are able to sleep soundly and undisturbed by dreams or outside distractions. I am jealous of that, for sure, as I have struggled with sleep issues my entire life. I appreciate the well wishes of good dreams, though! Thanks so much. Have a wonderful weekend, my friend.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Susan

    July 6, 2018 at 1:48 pm Reply

    Hi Shelbee! I WANT THOSE SHORTS YOU ARE WEARING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell me where you got them, and if they come in plus size. You look gorgeous! I love every single thing about this outfit.

    That being said, my brother and I also sat with my mother, for three eternal days. I couldn’t bear her suffering, but I also couldn’t bear to lose her. So I sat, feeling selfish, but nevertheless, talking, singing, and holding her. I am of the opinion that even if they can’t respond, they still hear you, and I didn’t want her feeling lonely. After three days, my brother took me into the hallway, and whispered: “She wants to go but she can’t leave us. She will never leave us. Lets go get some ice cream.” So we announced that we were off for ice cream, and we would be back in five minutes. When we returned, she was gone, and smiling, God Bless Her.

    That was 10/16/2000. I still dream about her. I hope I always will.

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:21 pm Reply

      Aw, Susan, thank you so very much for sharing your story. It just brought tears to my eyes. As much as we hate to lose our loved ones, the process of living and dying is such a truly beautiful thing to witness in all of its aspects. I sat beside both of my parents as they took their final breaths and each appeared to being breathing a sigh of relief. Relief to be out of pain. Relief to move on to the next adventure whatever that may be…we may never know. And yes, I do hope to continue having dreams about both of my parents. This dream last night, however, was reliving the anguish and the pain and I did not like it one bit!

      As far as my outfit, unfortunately everything I am wearing is old which is why I provided no links. I got the shorts at the end of last summer on clearance from Target. I wonder if they carry something similar. I am going to do a quick search for you and see if I can’t turn up something you would love!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Elizabeth Ramsey

    July 6, 2018 at 1:48 pm Reply

    So sorry for your loss, Shelbee. My dad passed on July 13th ten years ago. Seems impossible that an entire decade has gone by without him. Seems silly to comment on your outfit at the same time but so goes it with blogging. Love how the blue trim on the shorts ties in with the blue top. Bet your mom would be finding your whole blogging venture super cool & exciting. Have a good weekend.

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:14 pm Reply

      Betsy, thanks so much for sharing your experience. It really does seem like a lifetime has passed. My father passed away in 1995 which is more than half my lifetime ago…that is craziness to wrap my brain around. But yet here we are…still going forward and learning and living every day. The human condition is such a strange thing, isn’t it? And it’s funny you say it seems silly to comment on my outfit because I was thinking it quite weird as I was adding the photos! But it is how I have decided to style my blog…cute outfits with meaningful and thought-provoking content. So I thank you for the lovely compliment as well. My mother would be super proud of this little space I have created, for sure! I hope you have a fantastic weekend, my friend.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Patrick Weseman

    July 6, 2018 at 2:06 pm Reply

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you. I don’t what to say other than during those five days you were doing God’s work. Bless her and you.

    You look very summery. Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful weekend.

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:10 pm Reply

      Patrick, thanks so much for your kind words, as always. And hey, these things are all part of life and the human condition, aren’t they? We all must go through these experiences whether we like it or not. Have a wonderful weekend, my friend.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:08 pm Reply

      Kathrine, thanks so much for sharing your experience with me. These things really do have a way of staying with you forever even if you think you have processed them and buried them long ago. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Cheryl Tucker

    July 6, 2018 at 2:22 pm Reply

    Oh my gosh Shelbee, I am so sorry. I remember going through that with my grandmother. I slept in the bed next to her in the nursing home that last night of her life. I can’t say I slept but I laid there. It’s weird because lately I have been thinking more (in the night) about death, aging, life. What does it all mean? Why are we here? How do we grow old happily? Is that possible? Always, love your thought provoking posts my friend. I feel your sadness today but you are right, this too shall pass.
    Cheryl
    http://www.northwestmountainliving.com

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:07 pm Reply

      Cheryl, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with me. Now that you mention it, I think it may have something to do with growing older. And I am quickly approaching the age my mother was when she died so that really can push the unconscious mind to strange places where you start asking those questions that you have just presented. I wonder if we really can adequately answer those questions.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Kellyann Rohr

    July 6, 2018 at 2:32 pm Reply

    You are just as cute as can be in this perfect summer outfit! Those legs of yours are ah-mazing!
    Grief is so different for each one of us and has a way of creeping back into the forefront when we least expect it. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    xo,
    Kellyann

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:05 pm Reply

      Kellyann, thank you so much! It really does catch you off guard when grief sneaks up on you unexpectedly like that when you think you have processed it completely so many years ago. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Melissa

    July 6, 2018 at 3:15 pm Reply

    Oh Shelbee, you describe this so vivid, I felt it deep in me! Sorry you had that awful nightmare only to remind you of a sad situation you have gone through. At the end memories are all we have. Hopefully some of those memories can put a smile in your face!! I had those exact shorts, the embroidered Detail is so pretty. You look stunning! Thank you for hosting and for the feature. Shorts season is here 😉
    xo
    Mel

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 3:37 pm Reply

      Mel, thanks so much for your kind words. I will hold onto all of the dear memories. And usually when I share stories of my mother and even stories of her passing, I usually do so with humor…because that is my coping mechanism. But this dream really slammed me! Perhaps one day, I will share the darkly funny story about the night she passed away. It is a bit macabre, but humorous nonetheless. I did get my sense of humor from my mother after all! And thanks for linking up and always inspiring us with your perfect outfit choices!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Tiina L

    July 6, 2018 at 3:49 pm Reply

    I know what you mean, once you’ve been through that loss you also know it can strike again. That’s what the dream is about, a reminder, to cherish what you have while you have it… sorry, I’m a bit gloomy, but I’m a bit of a negative nelly… anyway, I went through that death watch with my mother some 20 years ago as she was dying of cancer. And Christmas Day and New Year’s Day (the anniversary of her death and her birthday, respectively) have been ruined for me since then…

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 4:39 pm Reply

      Oh Tiina, you do not need to apologize for being a bit gloomy. We all have those days. And when you experience loss of that sort on major holidays, I think it is only natural that it effectively ruins those holidays for quite a long time. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me though. While it is sad to hear these stories, they are part of life and the human condition and it is comforting to know that others have suffered through similar experiences and still manage to keep plugging along. And the reminders help keep perspective on things, don’t they? Wishing you a bit of a mood boost this weekend, my friend.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Lisa Richardson

    July 6, 2018 at 5:22 pm Reply

    First, you look adorable. No surprise there. Second, the subconscious is such a weird thing. I have the most BAZAAR dreams every night. My mom is the same way. I think that’s why I wake up tired a lot of days. You are right about the days being so long when you are having to wait for someone to pass in those last days. It’s exhausting. I hope you get a great nights rest tonight friend!!! XOXO

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 5:38 pm Reply

      Lisa, thanks so much! The subconscious is definitely weird and bizarre, for sure! I don’t often wake from dreams anymore, but when I do, they really are doozies! I hope you can find some restful dreamless sleep, too, my friend!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Cheryl Shops

    July 6, 2018 at 5:29 pm Reply

    Thank you for sharing this, Shelbee. I’m sorry that you had a bad dream, but having just lost my father a few months ago, I’m somewhat comforted to hear I’m not alone in my grief, even after so many years for you. Also, what is it about the deceased and sleep? I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months! Hoping it gets easier!
    Cheryl Shops | http://www.cherylshops.net

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 6, 2018 at 5:37 pm Reply

      Cheryl, I am so sorry for your loss. It is one of the most difficult grief processes to go through..losing a parent. I am glad that my experience could bring you comfort…just as the experiences others have been sharing are bringing me comfort. I am pretty sure that I didn’t have a good night’s sleep the entire first year after losing each of my parents. I suppose it is the moment we lie down in bed to try to turn off everything that it comes flooding in. It does get better with time, for sure, as you acclimate to your new normal. But you will have the constant reminders which should be cherished because the memories are what keep our loved ones living on forever. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me! I hope you can find restful sleep soon.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Liz Klebba

    July 6, 2018 at 8:26 pm Reply

    Thank you for sharing, Shelbee… Those kind of dreams can be so frightening, and disconcerting. Years after we think we are over it, we can be surprised by how our body and subconscious still grieve. My mother and I still both get testy around the anniversary of my father’s death, even when we are not aware that it is approaching. And just a few months ago, I crumbled at the funeral of a man I did not know well, but whose kindness and gentle manner reminded me of my father. All of a sudden I was right back in the thick of it, but with time and distance to process the emotion better.

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 7, 2018 at 10:03 am Reply

      Liz, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I remember crumbling at the funeral of a friend’s father years after my father had passed because I felt like I was standing right in her shoes….losing my father all over again. It really is strange how that happens and how those old emotions can sneak right up on us when we least expect them. I suppose we never really process all of our grief 100%. We get to about 95% and that last 5% stays with us forever.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Lorena

    July 6, 2018 at 8:57 pm Reply

    I can only image what waking up from that must have been like. What a difficult, draining experience you had to go through.
    On a positive note, like you say, at the end its a good reminder of cherishing those around you.

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 7, 2018 at 9:59 am Reply

      Lorena, thank you so much for your very kind words. Fortunately, last night I had much more restful and completely dreamless sleep and I feel rejuvenated today! Plus, it was a good reminder to cherish the people I love who I still have around me. Have a great weekend, my friend.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Lauren Sparks

    July 6, 2018 at 10:31 pm Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss and the renewed sense of pain your dream brought. But on a lighter note, I LOVE those shorts! Thanks for always bringing us something interesting and fun. laurensparks.net

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 7, 2018 at 9:46 am Reply

      Lauren, thank you so very much. Last nigh, my sleep was more restful and dreamless which is good! And my cute shorts are from Target clearance last summer so I don’t have any links to share. But I need to do some research and see if I can find similar ones somewhere. Have a great weekend.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Terri Gardner

    July 6, 2018 at 10:45 pm Reply

    I understand the dreams about a mother who passed on. My dream was always, she was walking through a room to surprise us that she really wasn’t gone. She’s been gone for 25 years now so those, I guess, wishful thinking dreams are gone. If I even remember a dream (which I generally don’t), I guess it was important to me. I remember those.

    On the lighter side-excellent toe nail polish!

    Terri

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 7, 2018 at 9:45 am Reply

      Terri, thank you so much for sharing your dream experience with me. I rarely remember my dreams anymore either and I haven’t dreamed about my mother in years. So it really caught me off guard. My sister thinks that my mom is trying to send us a message of some sort because she has recently been having vivid dreams of her as well. Who knows? Dream land can certainly be a very strange place!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • stephanie

    July 7, 2018 at 12:50 am Reply

    thanks for posting this, I am so sorry for your loss. I hate vivid dreams. Every now and then I dream and relive the night my best friend died. It always makes me cry.

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 7, 2018 at 9:37 am Reply

      Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am also very sorry for your loss. I wonder why our subconscious makes us relive moments that are so painful. But it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who has these types of vivid and painful dreams.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Bettye L Rainwater

    July 7, 2018 at 2:10 am Reply

    Thanks for featuring my blog, Shelbee!

    Yeah, dreams can affect you just as if the thing *actually* happened. I remember once when I was dating my ex-husband (clarification, BEFORE he was my husband), I dreamt that I walked into my mother’s guest room and he was lying in bed next to CHER. They weren’t even doing anything, they were just lying side by side, sitting up against the pillows, just their arms out over the covers, bed neat as a pin. That was the entire dream – just me walking in and seeing them there like that. I was SO MAD at him for that! Because to me it felt as real as if it had actually happened! We still make reference to “that time you were in bed with Cher,” ha ha.

    Bettye
    https://fashionschlub.com

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 7, 2018 at 9:35 am Reply

      Bettye, that is so funny! Thanks for giving me a chuckle! Dreams really can be that real and they will just set us off. I have definitely had silly ones like that, too, that made me angry because they felt so real. And it was my pleasure to feature you! Thanks for inspiring us and thank you for sharing your dream experience with me, too. Have a wonderful weekend.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Chrissy Rowden

    July 7, 2018 at 10:29 am Reply

    Aww Shelbee. Sending you cyber hugs this morning. Dreams can certainly affect our feelings and state of mind for a bit. They can be so real and vivid. I’m sorry to hear that you lost your mom fairly young…trying to do the math, unsuccesfully. Thank you for the reminder to hug our loved ones – we need that from time to time! And you look adorable in that outfit Shelbee. I love the red shoes!

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 7, 2018 at 11:45 am Reply

      Chrissy, thanks so much for all of your kinds thoughts and words! It is definitely a great reminder to continue loving as hard and deep as we can while we are surrounded by the people we care the most about! So the math…I was 32 when my mother passed away, she was 57. I was 20 when my father passed away, he was 54. (My father was 9 years older than my mother…just to do that math as well!) I hope you have a wonderful weekend, my friend! And thanks for the cyber hugs! Those are always nice to receive.

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Marilee Gramith

    July 7, 2018 at 10:33 pm Reply

    Dreams though macabre, twisted, and puzzling are still the catalyst of honest emotion. Awakening to the knowledge that “it was all a dream” doesn’t fully release us from the heartfelt impact of our feelings. Proof that “feelings” are not reality and often not even grounded in reality in any meaningful way…
    I applaud your gift for seeking the common core of the death bed vigil experienced by many of us.
    The desire for the waiting to draw to a timely conclusion conflicts with our simultaneous wish for more time with our loved one. My father recently spent his final days under Hospice care. I was able to provide a place in my sunroom and January sunshine to lighten (?) his journey. His final moments weren’t (and perhaps couldn’t be) choreographed.
    Your primary colors and the embroidery on your shorts make me smile. The red sandals make that smile last longer. You are summer perfection my friend!!

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 8, 2018 at 10:37 am Reply

      Jude, you have such a beautiful way with words in explaining some of life’s deepest mysteries. Thank you so much for that. I am so sorry for your loss. I do feel blessed to have been witness to those final breaths of both of my parents. That transition out of this life was most ethereal and quite peaceful to see. And definitely left me with a feeling of serenity and much more comfortable with the whole idea of death itself.

      Thank you for the lovely compliment about my outfit as well. I wore this outfit on the 4th of July. The red shoes were quickly removed and I spent most of the day with bare feet…which is my favorite summer time footwear choice! Odd for a shoe lover like myself…but I do much prefer bare feet over all other shoe choices!

      Have the most wonderful day, my friend!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Maureen

    July 8, 2018 at 6:09 pm Reply

    Interestingly enough, I have not been able to remember my dreams. I know I dream but when morning comes and my hubby is telling of his I can’t remember details of mine. I know our loved ones are the most important thing in this life and world. It’s hard to put into words just how much. Sending you hugs my friend!

    Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 9, 2018 at 10:59 am Reply

      Maureen, thanks so much for the virtual hugs! Apparently, there are quite a few people who don’t remember their dreams! I don’t remember mine very often these days, but when I do, they are vivid as can be!

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • CHERIE

    July 9, 2018 at 11:42 pm Reply

    I don’t remember my dreams at all, I wish I did. You are so fortunate to have been by your mother’s side at such a time. We were lucky enough to be in a similar situation with my father in law. Life is strange, constantly teaching us lessons. XOXO

    Cherie
    http://www.stylenudge.com
    STYLE NUDGE

    • shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com

      July 10, 2018 at 11:17 am Reply

      Cherie, thanks so much for sharing your experience with me. I don’t often remember my dreams any more, but when I do, they are certainly memorable! I am grateful that I don’t remember them much anymore as they used to really torment me and were such a huge source of anxiety….I have struggled my entire life with sleep issues and awful vivid nightmares and night terrors were definitely no help! And I agree, life is always teaching us…every step of the way. I think once we reach a certain age, we finally learn to embrace each and every lesson as a means to enrich ourselves. And I do agree that it was a blessing to witness both my of my parents as they transitioned out of this life. Despite all of the emotional wreckage that comes, it still is a beautiful thing to see, isn’t it?

      xoxo
      Shelbee

  • Alicia O'Brien

    July 15, 2018 at 10:40 pm Reply

    Looking super cute in that outfit! I dread the day I have to say goodbye to my parents, it makes me sad jsut thinking about it. Thanks for the reminder to cherish, I will go see them today.

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