What to Wear for a (Sex) Interview
*Disclaimer: This post discusses sex and sexual fantasies (as well as sexual realities) on a general level. It does not include graphic details but it does use language that is of a sexual nature. My intent is to share my story not to offend or persuade anyone. So if you are highly uncomfortable with intimate topics like this, I will not be offended if you skip reading. However, if you are only mildly uncomfortable, it may be worth reading just to view a different perspective.
Back in June, I decided it was finally time for this 47 year young woman to reclaim my sexuality and enjoy my body and the physical pleasures that it offers me without shame. What good is any kind of pleasure if it is clouded in shame? That would hardly be considered enjoyment at that point. In order to eliminate shame in our pleasures, I think we need to just keep on enjoying them as frequently as we can.
With each new sexual experience, the shame dissipates a little bit more similar to the way stage fright might act, with more practice comes less nerves. With more sexual experiences, comes more confidence. And confidence, I am learning, is the very best shame killer we have.
I am also learning that you will never get what you want if you don’t take action towards getting it. Actually, I learned that life lesson a long time ago. I am only just recently applying it to sexual fantasies.
I don’t know how many people have sexual fantasy bucket lists…because nobody ever wants to discuss these things. So I am going to be the first to share. I have a sexual fantasy bucket list.
And for each thing that gets crossed off that list, it seems I add two more new ones. New experiences give me new ideas and new ideas lead to more new experiences. I thrive on new experiences because we live and grow and breathe through our experiences. So I want to have as many as I possibly can before I leave this world and all the wonderful amazing people in it.
For those of you who may not know, my husband and I are in an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationship. While we were completely monogamous in the first years of our relationship, we both came into the union with a completely non-monogamous belief system. Over the past 13 years, the nature of our relationship has gone through many evolutions to get us where we are today. There has always been open, honest, patient, and respectful communication. It is the only way to make any relationship work successfully, monogamous or not.
When we first decided to really open up our marriage, we dated separately from one another for the first few years. Never hiding anything from each other but also maintaining the private intimacies as private between ourselves and our other partners. It was a great way to slowly ease ourselves into a lifestyle that we knew we wanted but we had no examples to follow. We had to forge our own way from the beginning.
But now we are finding our people. The people who enjoy sex as openly and freely as we do. The people who want to help us cross off the items on our sexual fantasy bucket lists. And we have never been quite as happy as we are right now.
I am not going to share my entire bucket list though. You have to always keep some of your cards hidden, I think. Or maybe you don’t! But my list is too long for a blog post anyway. So I am going to share just one today.
I have had a long standing fantasy of having sex with multiple men at once. This would be called a “gang bang” in the Urban Dictionary. While the actual English dictionary definition includes “rape” as an inherent part of this act, I can assure you that is not what I want nor do I ever condone such an act. However, if you are into that kind of consensual role playing, I am not judging you. When all parties consent to the acts they are engaging in, I say have fun and be as kinky as you desire.
Anyway, back to my sexual fantasy. This fantasy has been sitting at the top of my bucket list for a great many years…at least 20. But I never told a single person, not even my husband, because shame prevented me from doing so. Then I began this new sexual liberation journey and I began asking myself, “How the heck is something like this going to happen for me if I don’t start taking action to make it happen?” It’s not like three or four or five random men are going to approach me and say, “Hey, we heard you had this fantasy and we’d like to help you out!”
So what is a girl to do then? Well, I decided that not only did I want this gang bang fantasy fulfilled, but I also needed to be responsible and healthy in the way I went about it. I already had my husband and boyfriend on board but needed at least one more to make it a gang. So I started putting feelers out on a dating site to conduct interviews for my gang bang tribe. The right person for the job would need to be safe, clean (with STD test results in hand), sexually compatible with me, and possess the ability to perform in a group setting.
I put the information out there and then I scheduled an interview.
Well, I never had to get dressed for a sex interview before so this was a new self-imposed style challenge for me. I wanted to be sexy but professional because while this is all for fun there is still a serious component to being responsible and healthy. In fact, I think if I tossed a blazer over this outfit and wore tights instead of knee highs, it would be suitable for a variety of non-sexual interviews as well. It was definitely perfect for my sex interview though.
The interviewee obliged me and answered all of my interview questions brilliantly and quickly claimed his position as an ongoing member of my tribe. Thank goodness! Because I will admit I have never been so nervous in my life as I was driving to that interview. Once I realized that he was even more nervous than I, we had a great laugh about it and now I get less and less nervous with each new exciting sexual adventure.
If you have read this far, you are probably wondering if I have crossed gang bang off of my sexual fantasy bucket list. Yes, I have! And it was the most empowering, liberating, amazing experience for me and I look forward to doing it again!
What would you wear for a sex interview? Have you ever been asked that question before?
Since this post may dissuade some from linking, I have added this week’s #SpreadTheKindness Link Up to yesterday’s post. Just click the link to join!
Really keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Joining some of these Link Parties.
Outfit Details: Skirt-Charlotte Russe / Bralette-Torrid / Earrings-c/o Anjolee / Shirt, Socks, Shoes, and Necklace-Really Old
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
36 Comments
Nancy
I’m so happy for you that you and Jeff are able to do what you both want. We only live once! Once! You get no second chance. So I applaud you for chasing your dreams.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
OMG, Nancy, I love you so much! You are seriously one of the best friends that a girl like me could have! I am so grateful and blessed to have you in my life!
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar Strauss-Benjamin
I just love how confident you and your husband are in the relationship that works for you. The way you share it with us 1000% helps remove any stigmas this type of marriage may have!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh my goodness, Tamar, thank you so very much for this comment! You are awesome! And removing the stigma is exactly what I have set out to do! Anyone who knows us knows that we are kind, decent, loving people with one of the stablest marriages I have ever seen so the judgments really are unwarranted yet people feel free to toss their judgments around anyway. I really appreciate the support you have always given me when I share the uncomfortable things!
xoxo
Shelbee
Marsha Banks
Not gonna lie…your title drew me in. But, it was your writing that kept me going. At first, I was a little shocked…another not gonna lie moment…I’d never heard of this kind of marriage. But, and it’s a big one, this is your life, your sexuality, and your bucket list. I would be the biggest hypocrite if I condemned you or your lifestyle when I openly embrace the queer community (I’m a straight cis gender woman). You made me think and that’s important. We need to be as open as we want to be. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your story.
http://marshainthemiddle.com/
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Marsha, I cannot thank you enough for this wonderful comment! I share these intimacies for so many different reasons. Mostly to offer a different perspective on lifestyle choices and help to remove the stigma from all of it! I can relate very much to the feeling of living in a closet when you are not permitted to share these huge parts of your life because society is so judgmental. Thank you for having an open mind and for supporting the alternative lifestyles of others!
xoxo
Shelbee
jess jannenga
I will admit, your title did draw me in! I do love your candidness, and that you and your hubby agree to what you both want/enjoy out of life. You do only live once, and you should be able to make your life the way you want it.
Have a great week Shelbee!
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jess, thanks so very much for this comment! This was an intimidating one when it came time to hit publish! But I really feel like I have to share these things in order to educate about the nature of ethically non-monogamous relationships as well as support and empower sexually liberated women. We have come a long way when it comes to sexual freedoms, but there is still so much lingering judgment. I am just following my passions in a healthy and responsible way and so I have nothing to be ashamed of and should be able to share these activities with just as much ease as I share my Halloween decorations! So that is my newest mission here. Haha. Thanks for being such a wonderfully supportive friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Barbara
I didn’t know that sex interviews were a thing, but why shouldn’t they be for empowered women! I’ll bet the interviewee was as nervous as you were. And he probably couldn’t care less about what you were wearing so I love that you turned it into a styling challenge just for you!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Barbara, thanks so much for this comment! I didn’t really know sex interviews were a thing either until I found myself scheduling one! Haha. And yes, he was crazy nervous, too, which was helpful in calming my nerves!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Wow, looking so very cute and flirty. Very nice. I am so happy that you got a fanasty off your list. Wow. So very cool. Happy for you.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Patrick! I kind of figured you would approve of and appreciate this post!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kevin
The title drew me in and I got to say the way you write and your honestly and how you tell your life story on sexuality and other interesting subject is one of many reason I follow! Don’t change you for anything and stay real and postive
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Kevin! I really appreciate that and I am so grateful for your support! This was definitely intimidating to share, but I am really glad that I did because it is super empowering as well. I hope you are having a fantastic week!
xoxo
Shelbee
Trish
Wow! You are bold! No judgements here!!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Trish! It definitely took some courage to do this and then to share it with you all!
xoxo
Shelbee
Joanne
I almost feel bad now that I don’t have a sexual bucket list! LOL. I give you lots of credit for going after what you want.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Joanne! This was a scary post to share but I am glad that I did. And hey, it’s never too late to start that sexual bucket list!
xoxo
Shelbee
Sheila (of Ephemera)
Yay! That’s a popular fantasy scenario for lots of women, including me! I’m so happy for you that you got to fulfill your “bucket” (lol, pun definitely intended). I’ve done a few things on my list with my husband, including some public stuff, but I’ve never been that assertive about actually fulfilling my fantasies. My husband and I are big into role-play (I have a funderwear drawer!), and often draw from our fantasies. Love it.
Kudos to you for sharing this – you look stunning and sexy as hell in that outfit. Holy smokes, I would have been so nervous too!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Sheila! I think what I most appreciate about this comment is the ease with which you discuss this topic! Thank you so much for that. I don’t why we can’t normalize these things more. I love the idea of a funderwear drawer! I guess I have one of those, too, I just never named it! I also have a really big duffle bag filled with toys. My toy collection used to fit neatly within a shoe box so I called it the toy box but now it is the toy bag which is actually convenient to grab and go when I have a play date planned somewhere. This post definitely took some courage to hit publish on, but I am really glad that I shared it!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kellyann Rohr
Shelbee, I always admire you for sharing so eloquently what is on your heart and mind. It’s so special to have the kind of relationship and communication that you and Jeff have. In fact, while some may judge, if more could partners could be open and honest with one another I believe there would be less divorce.
Shame hurts us all and limits our life experience – you are right about the need to let it go and go after what we want,sexually or otherwise. No one reads our minds, we need to make things happen!
You are so inspiring!
xo,
Kellyann
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh my goodness, Kellyann, I just got all teary-eyed. Thank you so much for this comment. This was a really intimidating post to share but it is something that I feel like I HAVE to do in order to eliminate the stigma that surrounds literally everything that is different from the mainstream. Looking back on my life (we do that a lot the older we get, don’t we?), I realize that I have always struggled with staying in the mainstream and I have also always struggled with the million reasons why it shouldn’t be such a struggle! If only people could understand that it’s our differences that make this world such a rich and rewarding place. Thanks so much for your friendship, your encouragement, your validation, and your support! I am blessed to have you in my circle!
xoxo
Shelbee
Renee Open
Wahoo!! I’m so proud of your dearest! You’re “out” now! You’ve given your truth and life path it’s voice and I’m thrilled for you! You’re unstoppable now <3
SUPER JEALOUS that you got to make that fantacy come true! It's also on my bucket list 😉
And, the outfit was really sexy cute <3 Great job turning your fun into a fashion post <3
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so very much, my sweet friend! I really want to be writing more on these topics but I just can’t get my shit together and organized enough to get it done. I don’t know how you are pumping out so much wonderful content and working. I can’t even find to time to read yours but I keep saving them in my inbox to get to! Let’s catch up soon…when we can!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
Way to go! I totally agree, you have to seek what you want in order to get it. That’s why I was solo poly for a long time – searching for the connection I desired. And for me that connection begins with sexual compatibility. So yeah, I started with sex if the initial encounter went well. Sex didn’t go well? We can be friends, but I need both a sexual and and a potential emotional connection to maintain even a FWB.
My sexual fantasies have always been based on total emotional compatibility – something I thought was a fairytale until I met Dan. The thing of it is the fantasy had as much to do with being compatible in the non-sexual part of our lives as the sexual part. Sharing the same sense of humor, mutual respect, prioritizing each other first and foremost, and PDA, like holding hands or passionate kisses in public, such as at the Buddy Guy concert we attended last night. Anyway, we quickly discovered that we are so crazy about each other, it would be unfair to try to include others. So I’m living my dream. 😄
I’ve been fortunate in that I don’t have to contend with shame. That was not part of my upbringing.
Michelle
http://mybijoulifeonline.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Michelle, I always love to read your thoughts on posts like this one. You have been such a wonderful mentor for me in my poly journey. Now that Jeff is retired and we can really be more open, we are slowly building a little friend community and living our very best lives. I feel like I wake up into a dream every single day myself! For sex play, I don’t necessarily need an emotional connection, but I do need an intellectual one in order to get physically intimate. But then again, I also view all relationships as emotional because we all exist in a state of some emotion all the time. So we bring our emotions into every single relationship because we are never without emotions. If that makes sense.
I have been breaking down human relationships to their most basic level recently. It is a perspective that is actually keeping my emotions so perfectly stable and healthy that I can’t do it any other way now!
By the way, I love that you have never had to contend with shame. I am going to get to where you are on that one…very soon. I am just about there!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
I get the intellectual connection. I have often described myself as sapiosexual. And I used to think that was it for me. But I’m beginning to think there is a bit of demisexual in my makeup too. An intellectual connection is necessary for me to feel sexually interested, but it’s the emotional connection that makes sex particularly fulfilling for me – and i don’t mean emotions like love or romance. Just an emotional “same page” if that makes any sense. Looking back, I now realize there were a few guys I let go because that was lacking.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
It does make sense! And I definitely identify as both sapio and demi although all the terms out there in the poly community really confuse me sometimes and then I just shun all the labels completely! Haha. A friend of ours recently asked us if we are swingers and Jeff replied, “Nah, we’re just sharers!” I think that is my new label that I most identify with…a sharer! If I have something amazing in my life, I want to share it with everyone who will gain equal enjoyment from it!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
“Sharers!” I love it!
Michelle
https://mybijoulifeonline.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
It really does sum us up perfectly! Haha.
Jamie
Not sure I’ve ever heard of “What to Wear for a Sex Interview” but your school girl outfit is a real turn on. I love when man and women dress as an expression of their individuality. I am fifty+ and still love to go out in public dress as a school girl I love the feeling right down to the shiny pantyhose and saddle shoe. You always make my day.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jamie, thanks so much for this wonderful comment! We should all wear whatever makes us feel great regardless of our age. I went out on a date night this weekend and wore a really fun school girl outfit that I will be sharing soon. And now I think I need some saddle shoes! I haven’t worn saddle shoes since I was an actual school girl. Adding those to my wish list now! I love the way they look with your cute plaid skirt. Have a fabulous day!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jamie
Looking forward to seeing that fun school girl outfit your wore on your date. Also good luck on finding saddle shoes, I know there some retailers that still sell this classic fun shoe. My oider sister’s school uniform included black & white saddle oxfords and it was mandentory in those days. When my sister was away my Mom use to let me wear her saddle shoes out and that’s how I became addited. There are so many fun ways of wearing them and people just love seeing them on me. Have fun with the school girl outfits as they really suit you so well.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Jamie! I appreciate that information on saddle shoe shopping! I suppose they would be rather difficult to find now. I wonder if they have updated them into a more modern chunky style shoe…Oh I have to go look now! Stay tuned for saddle shoes (possibly) and little plaid skirts (definitely) in future blog posts!
xoxo
Shelbee
Billy
You look stunning. The successful apllicant for the ‘job’ was very lucky.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Billy! I really appreciate that. Have a wonderful day!
xoxo
Shelbee