The Year of Letting Go
Last Monday, I had talked about the concept of synchronicity and how the universe delivers us messages in the strangest of ways. Well, maybe the delivery method is not all that strange, it is just that we sometimes forget to pay attention and we miss the point. But when we tune in and really listen to the input that comes our way, we will find so much value in the words we read, the music we hear, the sights we see, the people we meet. I mentioned that I have been reading Jen Sincero’s book, You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. For whatever reason, I am taking my good old time getting through the pages of this book. I have had it in my possession for months and pick it up to read maybe once a week. But now it seems that there is a purpose to my sporadic and inconsistent reading habits. Because with each chapter, it seems I find a message that I need right in that moment. A message that I might have missed had I read it two weeks or two months ago. So I read when I feel inspired and motivated to read. And I don’t read when I don’t feel like it. This method seems to be working quite well for me right now.
So let’s get on with it, shall we? With the new year, so many people are making resolutions to improve themselves better than they have in years before. But there are many people who are opposed to resolution-making and have opted for choosing a word of the year that will help them focus on a goal or an outcome they would like to achieve. I wrote a post a few weeks ago, Jumping into the New Year, where I shared my mantra for 2019: Think smaller to go bigger. And I am sticking to this mantra as I take baby steps in the direction of my big goals. But before I reach these goals, there is something else I must do. Something that I didn’t even realize at the time I wrote that post. Something that came at me with the blinding lights of realization as the universe smacked me right in the face with a self-awareness that I apparently had been missing. And the message came in the form of Chapter 15 of Jen Sincero’s book: Forgive or Fester. I couldn’t pair together more impactful and powerful words than those myself, so I am borrowing Ms. Sincero’s words. Forgive. Or. Fester. Those three short words carry incredible force. And they are certainly words that we should all consider.
You know, forgiveness isn’t something that I really think much about. I never really feel like I am in a position to forgive. I sort of just go with the flow, let people be who they are, do my own thing, and things tend to fall harmoniously into place. It has always seemed easiest for me to live my life that way. By accepting others right where they are on their journey without passing judgment, it’s hard to really ever feel offended or wronged and so forgiveness is generally not necessary in my world. Until the moment I feel wronged. And even then, I still don’t feel as if forgiveness from me carries much weight in the grand scheme of things. Unless I am forgiving myself. That definitely has a great impact on one’s quality of life…the ability to forgive one’s self. I would venture to guess that not many of us have mastered the self-forgiveness skill. Myself included. But I digress…let me get back to the point at hand.
Until I read this chapter, Forgive or Fester, I didn’t even realize that I was harboring all sorts of hatred and disgust and disappointment toward certain people and events that transpired in my life this past Spring. Exactly 8 months ago, I shared a somewhat cryptic post offering vague details of how I was burned by being too honest and trusting. I didn’t offer many details in that post because the wounds were just too raw then, and honestly, I was just too embarrassed to admit how badly I had been duped. And I won’t offer too many details here simply because it is not in my nature to publicly reveal the secret details of the lives of others even though those details so gravely affected my own life. But I have processed enough of the trauma by this point that I can share a little for those of you who may be curious and wondering.
I had a friend, or two, whom I spent a tremendous amount of time with over an extended period of time…years to be exact. Years of getting to know one another. Years of building trust. Years of making memories. Years of sharing the good, the bad, the happy, the ugly. Years of relying on each other for all sorts of things. Years of becoming so intimate that you forget what you were like before the friendships. Years of creating these relationships that became so close that personal boundaries were blurred beyond recognition. Only to realize after years that the entire foundations were built on deception and falsehoods, that the friendships were formed because the other parties needed something from me to the point that they exhausted the very source of my own positive energy. Years of manipulations to create their own fantasized realities, realities that never actually came to fruition because they were unhealthy and unrealistic ones. The realization that I was simply a pawn in the game to get what they wanted with only feigned concern for me and my mental wellness shook me to the core.
I am a giver, a people pleaser, genuine and trusting and seeking only the best for everyone. These qualities were so fully taken advantage of that when I woke from a coma-like state it was almost more than my psyche could handle. And I nearly broke. But I rebounded and put myself back together. And as the days have turned into months, I have grown stronger in my sense of self, healthier and more motivated, more cautious and much more aware and in tune to the universe. So I should be grateful for the experience as I came out a better person. And I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the strength I gained from it. What I didn’t recognize was how the hatred and the disgust were still smoldering inside me and literally holding me back from my dreams.
And then I read these words, “Forgive or Fester…Whatever happened, happened. Holding on will not change this fact, it will just keep the negative feelings from the past alive, keep you prisoner to your pain and lower your frequency. The moment you decide to forgive and let your negative feelings melt away, you are on the road to freedom. Forgiveness is all about taking care of you, not the person you need to forgive. It’s about putting your desire to feel good before your desire to be right. It’s about taking responsibility for your own happiness instead of pretending it’s in somebody else’s hands. It’s about owning your power by giving all your anger, resentment, and hurt the heave-ho. Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and waiting for your enemies to die.” -Jen Sincero
So all the while, for the past 8 months, I have been holding tight to my resentment and my desire to be right. And in all my stubbornness, I have nearly weighed myself down to the point of sinking. Not feeling that I am in a position to forgive anyone but myself, now is the time to at least to just that…forgive myself. I must forgive myself for not seeing through the manipulations and the duplicities. I must forgive myself for any contributions that I made that led to the wreckage of the whole thing. I must forgive myself for any words that were spoken that may have been misinterpreted. I must forgive myself for any words that were spoken that were interpreted exactly as I intended them. I must also forgive myself for holding onto the resentment for so long. I must forgive myself for not letting it all go sooner.
So while 2019 is the year that I will think smaller in order to go bigger, it is also the year of letting go. I have to release all of the negative things that have been weighing me down. Slowly but surely, I am on my way to releasing it all. And once it is finally all gone, only then will I be able to soar. It is not an easy task, but it is a necessary one. Wish me luck. And in the meantime, why not take a look at what has been weighing you down as well. Then take the next steps to letting it go. “Forgiving isn’t about being nice to them, it’s about being nice to yourself.” (Jen Sincero). Also remember to pay close attention to the what the universe is telling you. She really does know what she’s doing.
Have you been holding onto negative feelings? Have you been feeling the weight of it all holding you back? Now is the time to let it go and make room for all the positive things that are just trying to find their way to you.
Letting go on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Ups.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
30 Comments
Tamar Strauss-Benjamin
I’ve been working on this since the Jewish New Year!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tamar, it is a great thing to work on, but man, is it difficult! I wish you luck with your progress in letting go as well. Thanks for stopping by and have a wonderful week.
xoxo
Shelbee
Kellyann Rohr
I love the Badass calendar – used it last year and each day was filled with some fabulous morsel. One day was about Forgive or Fester and I agree wholeheartedly. Of course it sounds so much easier than it actually is because it’s such a shift in mindset but it is necessary. Losing a friend hurts so much. Andrea at Living on Cloud Nine wrote about the same thing today – great minds think alike!
I am glad you are on the upside of this ordeal. As much as it hurts it’s a good thing this relationship is over before something worse happened. I am so sorry that happened to you Shelbee.
xo,
Kellyann
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
What is this Badass calendar you speak of, Kellyann?! I need to get one! And yes, shifting the mindset away from negativity is really more difficult than it seems, but so necessary and completely doable when you decide it needs doing. I didn’t even realize the impact this whole ordeal had on me until just last week. Which is strange to me since I am usually quite introspective…but this one really got away from me. But it’s time now and I am ready to let it all go. Thanks for all of your support and your friendship! Heading over to check out Andrea’s post now.
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy
I let go in 2018 and it brought me more then I left!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
That is so wonderful to hear, Nancy! Time for me to let it go and invite all the good things back into my life. Thanks for stopping by and have a great week!
Shelbee
https://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
Kellyann Rohr
Shelbee – the calendar is a desk calendar I got off Amazon. I loved it so much I bought one for my older son this year for Christmas. It’s a great way to get that positive-I-can-do-anything-fix for the day!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks for the info, Kellyann! I am going to look into one for myself! But first, I need to clean my desk! Ha. What a mess.
xoxo
Shelbee
Emma Peach
Very wise words. I had a long-term close friendship through my teens and 20s that ended very badly and it took a long time to get over that. It culminated in her physically assaulting me and the police getting involved so it was very traumatic, but now I’m just grateful that she’s out of my life. We have to move on and let that shit go or it casts a shadow over everything we do, and why give them that power? Life’s too short and precious to be bitter.
Emma xxx
http://www.style-splash.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh wow, Emma! Fortunately, my circumstance did not culminate into a physical assault! But I was starting to get some serious “single white female” vibes! How horrifying that must have been for you. I am glad that you have made it to the other side and have let it go and moved on in your most positive way! I will follow your lead, for sure, and let that shit go! Thanks for the support and encouragement. It is much appreciated.
xoxo
Shelbee
LORENA
Fabulous shots, you have such a lovely smile Michelle.
I had not heard of “Forgive.or.Fester”- while I may forgive a person when things get really bad, they just die for me. Meaning its like they do not exist. I do not think of them, I have no concerns at all, I feel nothing. It may sound very radical but its my way of dealing with people that do horrible things like break your trust or take advantage. Even if I see them, I stare through them-
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lorena, thanks so much for your lovely compliment and for sharing your way of dealing with these things. I am actually quite like you in that regard with most people who I have to cut out of my life. For some reason, this one has just been festering for months. And it is time I return to my normal radical approach, too!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kimberly Malkiewicz
I know what you mean about harboring things you don’t even realize. I’m so sorry for your betrayal. Sometimes the letting go is a longer process than I want it to be in situations like that. On another note–Girl! Put your coat back on, I’m getting cold just looking at you!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Kim! It is strange how even when we want to let something go, it still lingers on and on. But like with all things, time is the best for healing these types of wounds. By the way, it is so cold today that my kids have a 2 hour delay from school until it warms up a bit. We are at about -30 right now with the wind chill so I won’t be taking any outdoor photos any time soon!
xoxo
Shelbee
Claire Justine
Lovely photos. You look warm and cosy. Love your coat 🙂
Thanks for sharing at Creative Mondays 🙂 Hope you can join us tomorrow.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Claire! It just keep getting colder and colder where I live that I am at the point of not even being able to go outside to take photos even with a heavy coat on!
xoxo
Shelbee
Deborah Stinedurf
I’ve never been really good at forgiveness. While I don’t actively hold on to the anger, I do hold grudges so to speak. I guess even with all of my years of accumulated wisdom, I’m not really sure what forgiveness looks like exactly…
Debbie
http://www.fashionfairydust.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks for always being real and raw and honest, Debbie. I think forgiveness is a concept that is quite difficult to really wrap our brains around. As human beings, we are both resilient and quite fragile at the same time and giving and receiving forgiveness are both hard things to swallow. And I don’t even know if holding grudges is a lack of forgiveness as much as it is a method of self-preservation. The whole concept is very muddled for sure. And with wisdom comes the knowledge of knowing who you are willing to tolerate in your life.
xoxo
Shelbee
Susan Marinelli
I’ve been in your position many times, Shelbee, and always say it won’t happen again. Heh. It does, and I get madder at myself than I do the other people. It last happened to me with family, who I’ve known and trusted my whole life. I was so heartbroken, I cried for days. But what helped me was not forgiving them, and I don’t anticipate I ever will. Instead, I have focused on Lorena’s approach, somewhat modified to fit myself. I enjoyed cutting those people out of my life, and enjoy ignoring them when I am unfortunate enough to encounter them. I am much better for it, but unlike Lorena, there is no part of me that forgets them. Instead there is a cold, hard anger that will not dissipate, and it’s been three years. Others may not find this healthy, but I have used it to steel myself. It is not in my nature to ignore family, or to not forgive. I find it difficult to sustain a grudge. Instead, I sustain no grudge, but I sustain the memory of the horrors they inflicted upon me, to stop myself from allowing it to ever happen again. That cold, hard anger ennables me to move on without thinking about them in the least.
Now, on to this fabulous outfit! OMG, that coat is stellar! And I love it paired with the burgundy scarf and boots, and have now appropriated this wonderful styling for my own wardrobe. You are a styling genius, girl, and keep those wonderful styles coming!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Susan, thank you so much for always being honest, raw, and real. And we each find our best ways of coping with these types of things, don’t we? By this age, we should know what works best for us. I can’t hold onto anger for too long because it really does cause me stress and I vowed many years ago that I would not allow stress to take so much control of my life. I had way too many health issues from stress and now I feel better than ever and plan to minimize all stress to the best of my ability. Life is too damn short for that shit!
xoxo
Shelbee
Maureen
It sounds easier said than done. Hehe. I am similar to you regarding my outlook in life. Funny enough, you write about letting go as I am also working on something similar. For me, in my mind, I give my best so in the end, if a relationship ends, I can walk away freely. I never had to worry about forgiving because like you mentioned I never did anything to be harmful or any wrongdoing to the other party. However, there are family members that while I try to walk away from, I am not able to. I don’t want to do anything with them unfortunately, I have my hubby and out of respect for him, need to be reasonable. I am not sure I can completely give myself grace because I can’t completely cut ties. Does that make sense? The emotions just can’t rest in peace so to speak. Okay, I need to think more about this. What do you think?
Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Maureen, thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience. Honestly, every relationship and every dynamic between people is so unique to itself that it is hard to make a blanket statement as to how we should handle each situation. You kind of take each situation and figure what is best for you. Sometimes cutting all ties is necessary. Sometimes that is impossible. Sometimes we can find ways to make things work. Other times we cannot. But being able to sit in peace with yourself is the most important thing. I wish you luck as you figure it all out. And remember self-care and self preservation are never selfish!
xoxo
Shelbee
Anna Shirley
I don’t know if I should start laugh or cry…. Probably I’ll do both. It is exactly how you were saying in your post. The Universe is trying to give you all those clues and information, but you don’t (or you don’t want to) see it. I’m glad I was reading your post. I needed it. Not that I was not aware of those things – of this sadness, hatred and feel of injustice maybe inside of me. But it is so important to Forgive or Foster. How Maureen said before me, it is almost impossible to get away from the toxic relationship as far as your close family member is concern, but it will be great to make peace with yourself.
I love your beautiful winter pictures. o)
Anna
http://www.glamadventure.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Anna, thank you so much for sharing your very genuine and raw feelings on the topic. Sometimes we can’t escape toxic relationships for various reasons, so we have to find other ways of coping and finding our happiness. In my situation, I could remove myself from the relationship entirely, but now I need to make peace with it and really just let it go. I wish you so much luck in whatever you are currently dealing with. I hope you find peace soon and I am so glad that my post could help even if just a little bit.
Sending you many hugs, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Ada
I loved what you wrote here Shelbee and can connect to your thoughts and feelings of the moment. I love your mantra of doing small in order to achieve big. I too have not one but two words I am focusing on this year and will share those on the blog soon, but today since it is a snow day at home with Vivian my goal is to declutter, clean and organize our room as much as possible, etc.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Ada! I am a work in progress, that is for sure. And baby steps are what I need right now to get going on the path I want to be on. We are completely snowed in right now…expecting about 24 inches of snow by morning. It is bad out there! Stay warm and enjoy your weekend, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Lucy At Home
I remember reading your “cryptic” post about this incident last year. I am so sorry that it rocked your world so completely and that you are still feeling the effects of it. It sounds like you are making good progress and, whilst I know I would feel exactly the same, you don’t need to feel embarrassed or ashamed that you didn’t see what was happening sooner – you were trusting someone who you thought was trustworthy. I’m glad you’re starting to heal now #blogcrush
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lucy, thank you so much for your very kind and supportive words. It really is amazing how we can hold on to some things even against our better judgment. But I am definitely making progress slowly but surely and any progress is good progress. I really appreciate your comment very much.
xoxo
Shelbee
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