The Art of Delayed Gratification
For my entire life until I had kids, I was a voracious reader. I found such solace and escape and inspiration and motivation in reading books on a variety of different topics. I have always loved books on philosophy, psychology, religion, and self-help. My favorite genre of fiction has forever been 17th through 19th century British literature but also any type of historical fiction from most cultures. I have also always been a fan of the classics, you know, the books we were “forced” to read in grade school. I loved them all. But then I had kids and it seemed that I never had time to read for my own enjoyment. Dr. Seuss and Eric Carle seemed to take over…which are great books…but they don’t provide me with the push that I often need. So this summer, I have made it a goal for myself to make time for reading books that will ignite me.
I just shared a post last week, Sharing My Flashlight: The Power of Our Experiences, that was inspired by Annie Dillard’s The Writing Life. Since I finished that book, I headed back to my book case to see what would jump out at me and an old favorite, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D., leapt directly into my hands! I have read this book multiple times (as indicated by the different colors of pen markings and underlinings all over every page), but the last time I ventured into these pages was in 2006…before I met my husband and before I ever even dreamt of having children. How life has changed for me since 2006 and what a different perspective I have these 12 years later. This book carries with it different powers today than it did back then.
I am only 30 pages in at this point because I seem to be pondering and processing every brilliant sentence written therein. Finding inspiration and so much meaning on every single page. Underlining and taking notes in the margins and in my journal where I keep lists of blog post ideas. I am just at the beginning of Section 1 on Discipline and recently finished reading the section entitled Delaying Gratification. As I read, I realized that the ability to delay gratification is a trait that we must learn, but once learned, it is a genius way to live. In fact, I shared this as one of my 4 Ways to Deal with the Unstructured Days of Summer published at Resilientista.
It is such a valuable tip that I felt the need to expand on it more here on my blog. Dr. Peck begins with one of life’s noble truths as expounded by Buddha, “Life is suffering.” He explains,
“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters…Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them? Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing.”
*This is not a sponsored post.
Dr. Peck goes on to explain that in teaching ourselves and our children discipline we are also teaching how suffering can lead to growth. He outlines four tools or “techniques of suffering” that are the means to constructively experience the pain of confronting our problems. Delaying gratification is the first of these four tools. The other three are acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth, and balancing. He says this of the first tool…
“Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and the pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with. It is the only decent way to live.”
It is the only decent way to live! I couldn’t agree more. I have been having conversations recently with a few different friends who are currently being faced with problems that are very painful and uncomfortable for each of them. I am noticing how all of them are avoiding the discomfort of facing their individual problems head on…seemingly enjoying the pleasure of avoiding the conflict altogether. My approach to situations of this nature is to delay the gratification, face the discomfort head on, and get it over with so I can relax and enjoy the peaceful aftermath of a solution being reached. I would much rather deal with a few minutes or even a few days of complete discomfort while I confront the issue immediately with the knowledge that once I get to the other side of it, I can relax and get back to the comfort and ease of my life. But so many people avoid this confrontation at all costs and allow it to weigh on their hearts and minds for too long until it becomes much larger than it ever needed to be. For me, the best way to live is to get the painful stuff out of the way first so it is not weighing on you. Then you can enjoy the pleasures with a clearer head and a lighter heart.
Does that all make sense? Have you mastered the art of delayed gratification? It really is so much more fulfilling to approach life with this idea in mind and then put it into action whole heartedly. Next up is Problem-Solving and Time and there is so much great stuff here including this gem…
“We cannot solve life’s problems except by solving them. This statement may seem idiotically tautological or self-evident, yet it is seemingly beyond the comprehension of much of the human race.”
Now to teach these little guys the same so they can live their best lives…
Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Ups.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
24 Comments
Tamar Strauss-Benjamin
My whole senior thesis was on delayed gratification in children! Such an important concept but also so hard!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
That is so cool, Tamar, that you wrote your thesis on the topic. It really is quite fascinating how hard it is to grasp the concept and then how easy it is once you do get it!
xoxo
Shelbee
Amy Arnold
I would rather get the hard part over with too! Cute dress and leopard combo.
Amy Ann
Straight A Style
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Amy Ann! It is so much better that way, isn’t it..to get the hard part over first, then sit back and enjoy the rest?!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy Baten
I can only see the last photo off your boys on my mobile. Perhaps it’s me.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Nancy, the photos in this post are being super weird all around. I don’t know why! They won’t load on the post, they won’t load into link ups. I have no idea what’s going on! They will be there, then they will disappear, then they will take forever to load. Ugh. Technology!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy Baten
Oh sorry, there they are. It took a very long time. What a great colour on you, you don’t wear bright colours that much do you? Other then green!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
No problem, Nancy, something strange is going on over on my end of it, too, with the photos. And thanks for the lovely compliment! I have a lot of bright colors in my closet but I do tend to steer more towards the darker, richer hues.
xoxo
Shelbee
BarBara
I love this post! 🙂
https://ordinaryblondie9.blogspot.com/2018/06/in-summer-i-wear-blue.html
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
BarBara, thank you so much! I appreciate that!
xoxo
Shelbee
Susan
Oh the babies are so cute! And exhuberant! I had no trouble viewing all the pics of them.
I am of the get-it-over-with group too, Shelbee. If I confront head on, the sturm und drang is much less painful, and shorter, too. I have found, that if I give myself too much time to stew over something, I fall into the abyss of depression, which solves nothing. And the abyss must be avoided, even if it takes ice cream to stop it.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Susan, thanks so much! Don’t let their cuteness fool you though! And I hear you…allowing stuff like that to fester and stew is the worst possible thing ever! Confront it, deal with it, get it over with it, then you can just enjoy the ice cream rather than needing it to avoid an abysmal descent!
xoxo
Shelbee
Gina
I’m glad you are finding a way to get back to reading some of your favorites! Reading is definitely a favorite for me and I’m a happier, more balanced person when I do more of it. I also agree that delayed gratification is a critical skill for coping with life!
Gina || On the Daily Express
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Gina, thanks so much for stopping and sharing your experience with me as well. It’s crazy how isolated I was starting to feel when I wasn’t reading. It has a way of opening new worlds!
xoxo
Shelbee
Edwige
This is such a pretty dress on you! Fabulous
Edwige | http://www.hypnozglam.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Edwige!
xoxo
Shelbee
Maureen
I learned in life that you can’t go from A to C without passing through B. In the past, when the hard times hit in my life, I wasn’t always keen on solving it first. I found it to be a hassle. I wanted to get to C so that I can move forward but the problem I learned was that I haven’t learned the lesson from A and B to move forward. I had to walk that road and no matter how hard it was there was growth and a lesson to be had. Once I was able to work through that then getting to C was easy. So yes, I totally agree with you. I think it is always best to face your challenges head on because challenges doesn’t always mean a bad thing. There are actually a lot of growth happening when we go through these challenges.
Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Maureen, this is so beautifully explained! Thank you. Every challenge in life is a learning experience and a chance for more growth. We and the world are constantly changing and so we have to constantly be revising and reevaluating ourselves in order to always be at our best. Problems do not simply go away just because we ignore them and hope they go away. Instead, they will eventually turn into bigger problems. So, yes, facing them head on and finding a solution helps us get to the next step so much quicker. And like Dr. Peck said, delaying gratification is the only decent way to live. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on the topic! I hope you are having a wonderful week.
xoxo
Shelbee
carolyn
Great dress! I love your glasses too!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Carolyn!
xoxo
Shelbee
Victoria
I find the longer I put something off the bigger the situation gets in my mind. I am not good at hitting things head on but know that is the best thing.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I think we all do that sometimes, Victoria. But I am learning that it is so much better to just get the unpleasant part over with quickly and move forward in peace and happiness. Thanks so much for sharing your experience!
xoxo
Shelbee
Marilee Gramith
Those two little rascals are such treasures!! Out there on the stoop in their sock feet laughing, teasing, and happily rough housing while you capture them and your great look of refreshing red stripes. It looks like such a joyful part of the day. These are the moments to savor.
Talent and tenacity for head on problem solving is clearly worth achieving. Life slowly sharpens those skills. I think it’s an ongoing challenge for many of us.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jude, thanks so much for this wonderful comment! I definitely treasure the moments like these! While I spend too much time complaining about all the little annoyances that are involved in parenthood, I must not lose sight of these moments. These are the ones that I will cherish and remember always…and hopefully I am teaching these stubborn little impatient creatures how to live their best lives by my example.
xoxo
Shelbee