The Agoraphobic Battle Continues & #SpreadTheKindness Link Up #208
Back in June, I had shared a bit about my struggle with agoraphobia during this past year. It is a disorder that tormented me many years ago and I had nearly forgotten about the level of anxiety that it once caused. Then we found ourselves in isolation with little reason to venture outside of the safety of our homes. Slowly those old fears returned and reminded me of the old days when I barely could function if I dared to leave my house.
When we were first mandated to stay at home in March, I honestly was not all that bothered as I had just come off of a 10 day solo road trip in February that took me up and down the mid-Atlantic coast of the United States. I generally require at least 3 months of semi-isolation to recover from that level of socializing anyway so I welcomed the stay at home mandates that were upon us. It was great for an extroverted introvert like me. Or am I an introverted extrovert? I’m not sure. Is there a difference?
But as the months in isolation have crept up close to a year, the lack of social interaction and freedom of movement in society has really taken a major toll on our psychological well-being. Whether we are introverted or extroverted, we all need social and human connection to survive all the shit the world and life throw at us.
I have always been the type of person to face my fears in order to improve my quality of life. When the enjoyment of isolation at home turned to a sublime loneliness and want of social interaction, I found it was time to take some baby steps towards overcoming my agoraphobic fears.
Slowly, I started visiting the local thrift shops just to get out of the house a bit. I was nervous on my first few trips, but then I found a kind of quiet solace in putting on my mask, putting my head down, and getting lost in the racks of preloved garments. While I was not being social on these solo shopping trips, that was kind of the point. I was facing my fear of leaving my house, but going to a public place that still made me feel safe enough. Right now, I do prefer to shop in larger stores where it is less likely that a stranger might speak to me or that I may cross paths with someone I know. And when you run into people you know in public places, there is a certain expectation of interaction that I am not quite ready for! So I stuck with my monthly thrifting adventures as my way of slowly returning to society.
And then I got an email. From Torrid. Telling me that I had some Torrid rewards cash that needed spending before it expired. Not wanting free money to go to waste, I shopped around online a bit. But I really dislike online shopping for clothing. I like to touch and feel the fabrics, see the colors in person, and try things on before purchasing. So I decided that my rewards cash was enough incentive for me to brave the mall.
This may sound silly and a bit overdramatic, but I was so nervous about my decision to venture into the mall and into Torrid that I literally cannot even recollect driving to the mall. As I parked my car, I tried to identify the exact cause of this tremendous anxiety and it was simply a fear of having face to face conversation with people outside of my teeny tiny circle of comfort and safety. But I took a few deep cleansing breaths and went for it, facing my fears in a very small but necessary way.
I was greeted at the front of Torrid by Kate, whom has worked there since my days as an employee, so it was really nice to see a friendly face even if it was covered by a mask. But Kate has those kind of eyes that sparkle when she smiles and the glisten offered me much comfort and ease!
It was just a few minutes after the mall opened on a Sunday morning, so I was also the only customer there. This also brought me great comfort and was pretty fantastic because I had all three employees helping me out. I loaded dozens of items into my fitting room and played dress up for about 2 hours, giving a mini fashion show to the Torrid girls upon their request. It was so much fun and I am so glad that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
These olive green plaid leggings and black tunic were purchases from that shopping trip. I don’t think I have bought actual new retail clothing since this tie dye dress that I had purchased in the spring. While I have shifted much of my sartorial focus to preloved clothing and shopping my closet, I have to admit that it did make me feel pretty great to buy a few new pieces for myself. Plus we are seemingly in the age of leggings and I had ditched or resold most of mine because I had moved away from that style of clothing. I kept a few workout pairs for yoga and some plain black ones for lazy days, but like most everyone else I have worn them to death this past year and needed an update badly.
Riding on the momentum of this trip to the mall, I figured that I was progressing nicely out of my agoraphobic phase and I was very proud of myself. Until this past Sunday when I had to do the grocery shopping. My husband has been doing about 95% of all the shopping this past year but he had a minor surgical procedure last week and is not allowed to lift anything even as heavy as a case of spring water. Since groceries were needed, it was up to me.
While I was dreading it, I didn’t feel all that nervous about it…until I was about 3/4 of the way through the shopping list when I suddenly became very anxious and couldn’t catch my breath inside that darn mask. I must have called my husband 3 or 4 times from the aisles to help soothe me so I could finish. By the time I had reached the check out line, without all of the things on the grocery list because I just couldn’t get out of there fast enough before a full blown panic attack set in, my clothing was drenched with sweat from my stress reaction.
As the cashier picked up my bag of coffee to scan, she noticed a tiny hole in the bag that left a trail of coffee grounds all over the conveyer belt. She asked if I wanted a new bag, which of course I did because who would purchase a bag of coffee that is spilling everywhere from a torn bag. As she sent me off to the coffee aisle to get it myself, I felt the eye flames burning me from the woman in line behind me. And that was all it took for the panic to take over.
I have this weird fixation that I do not ever want to inconvenience another human being on any level even if it means my own inconvenience. And as soon as I felt as if I had inconvenienced both the cashier and the woman waiting in line, my anxiety couldn’t handle it. In their defense, I doubt either woman was annoyed with me at all, but since we are no longer able to read people’s facial expressions behind their masks, the mind finds itself making up all sorts of horrible scenarios.
By the time I got home, I had to change my clothes, smoke a bowl, and meditate for about 30 minutes, followed by another hour of solitary reading isolated from all humans, before I was able to rid myself of the anxiety. It always amazes me how exhausted I become after one these attacks and so my entire day was spent in recovery mode. But on Monday, my kids returned to in-person school for the first time in nearly a month so I indulged my Sunday recovery time in anticipation of a productive day of writing while I had 7 whole hours of solitude.
And this is what you get from my 7 hours of writing time! I hope my experience can shed some light on the lesser known struggles that people may be facing. And maybe even help someone find their way through similar anxieties. But heck, if I only have inspired you to buy some new leggings, that’s good, too!
Please continue to spread kindness all around you because you really never know when someone is having a difficult time!
Featured Favorites
Reader Favorite (Most Clicked)
Ella of Little Bit of Life shared her post, January Book Review, featuring commentary on 16 books on diverse subjects. Some of these look like fabulous reads but I did have to laugh that Ella hated 1984. I don’t recall much about that book but when I read it over 30 years ago, I think I didn’t like it very much either. Happy reading!
Fashion Favorite
Bo of Bo’s Bodacious Blog shared her post, Cabin Life=Cozy Life. I am loving her pink tie dye lounge set as well as her happy snowy photos! Bo is also twinning with her beautiful daughter in their adorable matching loungewear. Go have a look…it’s too precious for words!
Non-Fashion Favorite
Tiina of Elegance Revisited shared her post, A Walk in the Park, featuring some really beautiful photo captures of a whimsical winter wonderland. All of the images in this post really just made me smile. And we can all use more smiles!
Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fun Link Parties.
Shop my look…
Outfit Details: Jacket-Thrifted / Tunic, Leggings, and Boots-Torrid / Socks-Christmas gift from a friend / Hat-Wona Trading / Gloves-Isotoner / Earrings-Good Life Gift Shop / Necklace-Cato
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
80 Comments
Lizzie
Ahhh! I love the snow!
Lizzie
http://www.lizzieinlace.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ha, thanks, Lizzie! I am so tired of it already!
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar A Strauss-Benjamin
Sending you love! I totally get this – at first I liked the isolation now I miss people and the thought of being near people is hard to stomach….
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Tamar! It is a weird contradiction, for sure, missing people but yet not being able to stomach them. But I am glad to know that I am not alone feeling that way!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jill
The isolation is starting to get to me because I work from home and it’s winter, so some days I never step outside. I completely understand how you feel though, you crave social interaction but then it can be overwhelming when you get too much of it.
Jill – Doused in Pink
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jill, thanks so much! I sometimes go days at a time without ever stepping outside as well! I have to keep that in check though and force myself to go out at least every few days. But it is so stinking cold here, I don’t want to. Haha. I have always gotten exhausted from too much social interaction and need lots of time to recover before being social again, but lockdown is making it much worse! Hang in there, my friend! We will get through this. I suppose we really don’t have much choice in the matter!
xoxo
Shelbee
Pamela Graham
Well done for coping. Isolation is going to make a big difference to many of us once we’re ‘released’. Have we forgotten how to socialize? What is normal anymore?
I saw you had lots of snow in your neck of the woods, I suppose pretty normal for you but looks pretty dramatic when we have 2 or 3 inches and it brings the country to a standstill!
Keep warm
Pamela x
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Pamela, thank you so very much for your kind words! I agree with you completely that the isolation is going to have long lasting effects on many of us. I feel like social abilities were already on the decline with how much we already do online vs in person. And this past year has certainly helped to cement a fully digital, no physical contact environment. That just frightens me! And yes, we get so much snow here. I live right near a great lake in a snow belt and once the first big snow falls, we have snow on the ground until May!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy
Oh I know a bit what you mean. I had to push myself about 4 weeks ago to go out again! I started to make up excuses not to go to a store and to the dentist. Just because crowd scares the hell out of me. I always have to push myself and tell myself to enjoy things more and not to worry all the time. And I never grow over it, have it all my life. Except for the panic attacks. I don’t have that, it must be real horror.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Nancy, thanks so much for your understanding. I am always hesitant at first to share some of these struggles, but then I get feedback from others that makes me realize that I should be sharing this stuff. If I am feeling so alone in the struggle, there must be others out there. And the only way to find those others is to share my story! I am sorry that you struggle as well and I am sure it is even more anxiety provoking for you right now. I wish I could just round up all the good people and move us to a safe little isolated community away from all the crazy!
xoxo
Shelbee
Mica
You got a cute outfit at the shop although I’m sorry it was such a scary experience for you grocery shopping! I hope that things get safer for you all over there so you don’t have to worry about being out at the shops so much 🙂 In saying that though we still mostly avoid the shops here and I use online grocery shopping even though there haven’t been any cases for a few weeks, haha! 🙂
Thank you for the link up 🙂
Hope that your week is going well 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mica, thanks so much! I am really glad I went out shopping at the mall. The grocery store has always been a place that causes me anxiety ever since my very first experiences with agoraphobia. I am just glad that my husband doesn’t mind doing most of the grocery shopping. He actually took over that task a few years ago because I am very undisciplined with following a grocery list and come home with all sorts of yummy stuff that none of us need! Even in my panic the other day, I still managed to bring home like 7 different junk food treats! Stress shopping might be the same as stress eating for me. Haha.
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
My husband shops like you. The other day, he walked down to the little nearby grocery store to get canned chicken for the doglet. He came home with dog chicken, chocolate, and ice cream. LOL! But I’m okay with that!
Michelle
https://mybijoulifeonline.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Everything about this comment just made me laugh out loud, Michelle! From doglet to dog chicken! And I would totally be okay with chocolate and ice cream, too! I just shared this comment with Jeff and he said, “Yeah, your $265 at the grocery store looks way different than my $265 at the grocery store”! LOL
xoxo
Shelbee
Kathrine Eldridge
So sorry that you had this panic attack. I’m glad you were able to venture out to Torrid and have a good experience before it happened. I think little trips out will help. I love what you found at Torrid. The leggings are so chic and I adore the layering with them. Thanks for the link up!
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Kathrine! Yeah, I will keep pushing myself little bits at a time. I will get back to normal functioning eventually! In all the years that I have been shopping at Torrid, I never tried their leggings until now and I really like them. They fit with the perfect amount of snugness and they don’t slide down. I also bought a new pair of solid black ones on that trip but haven’t worn them yet. I couldn’t resist the olive green plaid though and they were on clearance for around $6!
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy
I’ve only ever had one panic attack and it was horrendous, I can only imagine how you must feel going through that fairly regularly, Shelbee. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I’m so glad that you have ways to calm you down afterwards though. When I had mine, (which was probably twenty odd years ago), I genuinely felt that if I left the house I was going to die. Luckily, it’s never happened since and I’ve never been able to pinpoint what caused it.
Lots of love to you, Shelbee.
Suzy xx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Suzy, thanks so much! Panic attacks are really awful especially when you have not yet identified what they are. I remember the first time I had a really severe one, I did end up in the hospital with chest pains and difficulty breathing. Now I can feel them coming usually with enough time to get myself to a “safe” place. And I know which places tend to trigger them as well so it helps me to either avoid those places or at least be more prepared if I cannot avoid the triggers. I am certain it will get better again once I learn how to settle in to this way of life.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jennifer
I am so proud of you venturing out into the mall! That took a lot of courage!!!
Jennifer
Curated By Jennifer
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks, Jennifer! I appreciate that! Because it seems like such a small thing but it really did some courage!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michele Morin
Can’t even begin to imagine what current conditions weigh for anyone who struggle with mental health. Thanks so much for your vulnerable sharing here.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you, Michele! I have been so worried for others who struggle with mental health issues as well. I have a ton of coping mechanisms to help me through and I have been struggling hard this past year. It makes me very fearful for those who maybe do not have the coping mechanisms in place yet and/or don’t have wonderful support network like I do. Apparently, suicides have increased by 200% this past year and that is so scary to me. But good luck trying to find that statistical information anywhere! It seems to be hidden and the latest statistics only reflect numbers through 2018. I participate with a suicide awareness and outreach group in my community which is where I am able to get more accurate statistical information. And it is very scary indeed!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kellyann Rohr
I hope many, many people read this post. Taking baby steps to gradually re-enter the world is golden! With this pandemic dragging on as long as it has I think many, many of us are struggling with anxiety and some level of agoraphobia (without realizing it).
As always, thank you for sharing this!
xo,
Kellyann
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Kellyann, thank you so much for this validation! I hope many people read this as well! I am always super hesitant to share these stories because the shame and fear of judgment will always persist! And then I do it anyway (because that’s what I do…share all the uncomfortable things) and the feedback is amazing. I began this time in lockdown with many, many coping mechanisms in place after decades of doing the hard work on myself and I am still struggling. This leaves me so frightened for those who did not have the coping skills in place when lockdown began. The suicide numbers have increased by 200% this past year and that just breaks my heart. So if I can help even one person get through this trying time, then my struggle is totally worth it! Thank you for doig the work you do as well in helping people with these same struggles! You rock, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Ellie
Love the print of these leggings and how you paired them with long black sweater! And how lucky are you that your dressing rooms are open! Ours are still not! My kids are supposed to go back to school on the 22nd but they have a choice. So my senior was eager to go back but my freshman loves the virtual school so she will continue at home. She goes to dance 4 days a week so she is still getting her social interactions.
I feel like the longer we are at some sort of a lockdown the harder it is for some of us to get out of the house, so I am making sure now that I do at least one shopping trip each week to stay in the habit of it. One of my problems is when I am out and about I take way too long (because I do enjoy being out somewhat) and then oftentimes I start getting stressed by the time I get to the checkout line and feel like I am running out of breath too. I really should get back into my yoga class now that it’s taking place again, but I’ve been putting that off…..and yeah, not doing it at home either right now! I did dig out our old wii fit a couple of weeks ago and did some strengths training on it, but only once within these two weeks, LOL.
xEllie
Ellibelle’s Corner
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ellie, thanks so much! Archie was super excited to return to school this week. He was ready to leave 30 minutes before it was time! Ralph was not so excited. Ha. That is so great that your daughter is able to go to dance classes. We ended up pulling the boys out of karate for a while because they still have not returned to a gym and frankly I felt $250 a month was a bit much for them to jump around my living room twice a week for 30 minutes at a time. So until they can get back to in person sports, we are just doing things at home…like yoga in the living room! Although we just scheduled a ski lesson for both boys this weekend. Fingers crossed that goes well!
When I am feeling well and needing to get out a bit, I am so much like you. If I find a groove of comfort and get lost in picking through the racks and stuff, I get all panicked as well if I have taken too long! I went to Target a few weeks ago for a few items and felt comfortable enough to pick through all the clearance stuff and I was definitely feeling super antsy by the time I got to the checkout line. But that went smoothly and I didn’t panic at all. Thank goodness. So I definitely have more non-anxiety outings than panic attacks, but the attacks seem to stick in one’s memory more! Hang in there, my friend. We will all get through this one way or another!
xoxo
Shelbee
Pam Ecrement
Thanks for being so open about a very real disorder that challenges so many every day. So PROUD of your courage and tenacity to share it and face it! Love this photo shoot and your terrific smile in every pose!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, Pam, thank you so much! I am always hesitant about sharing the unpleasant things, but then I always receive such wonderful feedback that I am glad I shared. If I can help just one person by sharing my experiences, then the struggle is worth it for me. I have a platform to share and reach others and so I feel an obligation to do so. I really appreciate all the support when I do so!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nora Minassian
The scenery looks so beautiful..I know you are probably sick of the snow, but I am in California so this looks so refreshing. The isolation is real for all of us, I think it just depends on the days when it is a little better or worse. Hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel sometimes this year. Love that hat on you!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Nora, thanks so much! I am definitely feeling weary from both the isolation and the snow! You can have some in California, if you’d like. We have enough to spare! And I am hoping for some positive changes coming this year as well! Until then, we must persist the way we do and get through the struggles the best we can. I hope you are having a wonderful week!
xoxo
Shelbee
mireille
Baby steps! Sounds like you brought the groceries home and didn’t just leave them there so that is a positive, you finished despite your discomfort, anxiety and your desire to me back in your cocoon of safety. And that was two major outing in a short span of time.
I do love your new leggings, they are really fun. I wish I could try pants while thrifting: today, I found so many tops in my local Goodwill (I never find much) and tried them over my tank in front of a mirror even though this one worker said to not let the manager see me as I guess they don’t want you to do even that. I got about 8 great tops. One is a fun poncho with faux fur at the collar and wrists. Going to have to write another thrifting post!
http://www.chezmireillefashiontravelmom.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mireille, thanks so much for your kindness and support! And you know, until you just said that part about not just leaving the groceries there, I hadn’t even considered what a monumental thing I had pulled off! The grocery store has always been a trigger for my panic attacks since I first experienced the attacks. And there were many occasions that I fled the store, sometimes right from the checkout line, and abandoned my cart full of groceries. I have learned to push through that…probably because now I have 3 other people who were depending on me to bring home some food! But then again, my husband and children have always been my saving grace!
As for your thrifting adventure, I cannot wait to see this new fur trimmed poncho! It sounds lovely. I try to wear leggings when I go thrifting so I can try pants and skirts right over top of them. Although, of my two favorite thrift shops, the one now gives you 15 days to return things if they don’t fit since you can’t try them on and the other place doesn’t care if you try things on over your clothes in the aisle. Looking forward to your next thrifting post, for sure! Have a fabulous day.
xoxo
Shelbee
Rena
Shelbee, thank you for sharing about your struggles with agoraphobia. I think many of us have some anxiety about social interaction which manifests into a variety of reactions that many don’t understand. Your post is a kind reminder that a person acting in an odd manner may not be doing so deliberately or to be rude; they might just need some space.
Rena
https://www.finewhateverblog.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Rena, thank you so much for your supportive and encouraging comment! When I am in that moment of panic, all I can think about is getting home to my safe space. But once I can decompress and process the events, I feel like it is important to share for exactly the reason you stated. We never do know when someone is having a severe internal struggle with something. Who knows, maybe the lady behind me at the checkout line was also fighting some anxiety and merely felt that I was holding her up from getting to her safe space! All the more reasons for me to share these stories, I guess! Awareness and education and kindness will certainly be beneficial to all of us.
xoxo
Shelbee
Dee | Grammy's Grid
Thanks so much for hosting! I’m linking up with WHY DO JEANS HAVE RIVETS? Check out my 3 current link parties if you’d like more views and shares for your posts 🙂
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Dee! I look forward to reading your posts!
xoxo
Shelbee
Christina Morley
Thanks for sharing this! It’s a wonderful thing that you don’t want to inconvenience others. Too many people just wouldn’t care, but you do. I’m sorry that it caused you so much anxiety! We all need self-care and we all need to give each other a break from judging attitudes. That’s what your Spread the Kindness is all about! And you’re right, sometimes we make up what other people are thinking and blow a small thing out of proportion, but even if they were being judgy, you still get to give yourself a break. 😉
You made an excellent choice with your purchases as you look really great in that outfit!
Thanks for hosting!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tina, thanks so much! Oh I have definitely had quite enough of all the judging attitudes these days! LOL And while I did come home from the grocery store complaining to my husband how I felt like the lady behind me in line was giving me nasty looks, once I calmed down from the panic, I was able to realize that I probably misinterpreted her facial expression behind her mask! This is one of the things I really hate about the masks is not being able to read people’s faces and it stresses me out so much that I always just avert my eyes to the ground when I am in public. I used to enjoy sharing a friendly smile with strangers but now I am just afraid of strangers! And who knows, maybe that lady was also feeling much anxiety and trying to get out of the store as quickly as possible, too! I hope you are having a wonderful week!
xoxo
Shelbee
Sheila (of Ephemera)
Oh, my god, are you my twin?? Seriously, I’m an extroverted introvert. I use thrift/second-hand shopping to be near people (but not interact with them, unless I’m feeling particularly social – which is rare, but does happen), and I’ve also noticed that my anxiety of being in crowds has ramped up since all of this lockdown. My coping has involved doing the groceries myself (I enjoy doing it) – I would have broken down crying at the till if that coffee bag incident happened to me! Big hugs to you – getting out to the mall is a huge deal! I love that you set yourself up for success by going somewhere familiar (and duh, how can you leave free money on the table??), where you know someone, on a day and time when there are likely to be fewer people. Very smart, Shelbee.
One of my newish coworkers who is one of the few working in the office, came up to me yesterday to “confess” that he had mental illness: anxiety and depression. Telling him about my own issues – those, plus agoraphobia – surprised him so much, as he thought I was an extrovert. It was wonderful to be able to openly talk about mental health and share it. My roundabout way of thanking you for being so open about your own struggles and issues – the more we share, the more we realize how alike we all are. Big hugs.
PS – thank you so much for the link-up! I’ll be there in a flash!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Sheila, my friend, I do believe we are twins! Haha. And this is why I share all this uncomfortable, vulnerable stuff here…because we all need a community of people who can relate to us, to our passions and our struggles. I used to be so ashamed of my mental health issues and kept it very secret. I remember the first time I mentioned it to someone publicly and it was such an eye opening experience. I was in my first year as a high school swim coach at a team family function when I found myself revealing the nature of my mental health disorders to the mother of one of my swimmers. I don’t recall how the subject came up but I do remember being very hesitant sharing this about myself. I was terrified of the judgment and that all the parents would deem me not fit to coach and lead their children. Much to my surprise, the woman I was talking to started tearing up and subsequently began sharing her own story of mental health struggles with me, telling me that she had never spoken to anyone outside of her immediate family about it. She thanked me for being so open and I quickly found myself acting as the team counselor more than the assistant swim coach! It was at that moment that I realized the power in sharing one’s vulnerabilities and I knew I had to use my own struggles as a means to help others. Life is freaking hard enough, I don’t think we need to be shaming each other over the things that make it difficult! Thank you so much for also being open about your struggles. It definitely helps me and it definitely helped your co-worker, so it surely will help others as well. Sending you big anxiety-free hugs!
xoxo
Shelbee
Ashley
You’re so brave for sharing this, Shelbee- you are definitely not alone and I’m sure these posts are very expansive and reassuring to people going through the same thing.
I am proud of you for venturing out- that took courage! It doesn’t matter how “small” the errand might seem, your mind and anxiety turn it into something so much bigger. And that’s your reality, so don’t ever apologize for it.
Sending you a big hug!
-Ashley
Le Stylo Rouge
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ashley, thank you so much, my friend. Your encouraging and supportive words really mean a lot. I was proud of myself as well for facing the fear and doing the things anyway. Man, it is exhausting though just doing a basic task when you have to fight so hard against yourself! As vulnerable I feel sharing these stories, I do so in hopes that my vulnerability will help others to know that they are never alone in these struggles. There is always someone out there struggling with something similar. And community heals. We all need it! I am super grateful for this one!
xoxo
Shelbee
Anita Ojeda
Oh, Shelbee! I am so sorry you had to go through that experience. I can relate to not wanting to inconvenience anyone, for sure! I’m glad you had a fun shopping trip, and as always, your outfits are just awesome!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Anita, thank you so much! I really appreciate that. I have struggled my entire life with that feeling of not wanting to inconvenience anyone else. It is such a diminishing thing to do to oneself as it systematically destroys my self worth. And that is all on me! I am still working on that in counseling! But I figure as long as I am seeking self improvement, then I am winning!
xoxo
Shelbee
Joanne
Aw, I am so sorry to hear you really struggled. But I hope you are proud of yourself for getting out there and trying!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Joanne! I was super proud of myself for giving it a go and getting through it all even it was totally uncomfortable!
xoxo
Shelbee
Ashley
It’s absolutely amazing that you faced your fears head on and not only made it to Torrid, but you made it through the store trip! I realize how awful the store trip ended up with the panic attack, but it’s something to be so proud of for just being there in the first place and conquering the trip. I can relate on not wanting to inconvenience others and people can honestly be so rude during a checkout line. I can’t tell you how many times I used to not go back for an item if there was something wrong with it because I felt so much anxiety about not being quick enough about it or something like that. I’ve gotten much better about it now, but I totally get that it can be stressful. Plus the panic attacks just take it to a totally different level. I have them sometimes and it’s just a horrific experience. I’m praying that yours go away my friend. Just remember to be SO proud of yourself for all that you’re doing, I am definitely proud of you! 🙂
Make Life Marvelous
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ashley, thank you so very much for this kind and supportive comment! It really is helpful to know that there are people who can relate to this struggle. That is why I share all the uncomfortable and embarrassing and vulnerable things! I am always hesitant at first to share stories like this because I want my blog space to be all about the positive, to inspire and empower others, and then I get wonderful feedback like this and realize that my stories of overcoming are inspiring and empowering and positive. I am so sorry to hear that you struggle with panic and anxiety as well. It really is no joke and for people who may be experiencing it for the first time, it is really scary. People can be very rude, too, can’t they? Which is why we need to be kind to others because we never do know what they may be struggling with or fighting against. I am certain no one in the grocery store knew I was fighting my way through an anxiety attack. I have become quite adept over the years at appearing “normal”! Haha. Hang in there, my friend. Hopefully, this will pass for both of us. But until then, I will keep sharing in an effort to educate and help others!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Looking so very nice.
The isolation is bothering me and I so miss going to work and other things I like to do.
The grocery store can be a scary experience because unlike other places it is a big store and it is not well-maintained as far as people demanding masks (I had an interesting experience when a manager of a large grocery store told me that him and his staff wasn’t the mask police…). The smaller stores have people at the doors to maintain some security. That makes me feel safer.
Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful week.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Patrick! It is all getting to me! For some reason, the grocery store has always been a trigger for my panic attacks. The first attacks I experienced 20 years ago always seemed to happen in the grocery store or while driving. Driving does not make me anxious like that anymore but I also live in a very rural place…much different from NYC where my first driving panic attack occurred. That was some scary shit! And honestly, because I live in such a small rural town, the grocery stores are small and never very crowded at all. In the past year, I think I have only witnessed a total of 2 people in public places not wearing masks. However, that doesn’t even bother me as I am hyperventilating inside my mask wanting to be bold enough to tear it off my face like the guy not wearing one and catch my damn breath! But it’s all too much to think about and process, so I just feel safer all around staying home! I hope you are having a great week.
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
Good for you for taking these steps to face your fears. While I know the grocery shopping experience was horribly uncomfortable and wiped you out, the point is you did it. And smart to start with places that are less intimidating.
And those Torrid leggings and the handkerchief hem dress are awesome! You look fabulous!
Michelle
https://mybijoulifeonline.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Michelle! It’s funny that I was totally nervous about going to Torrid and ended up having a great time and I was not so nervous about the grocery store and then the panic snuck up on me! Gah. I can’t win! But I will one of these days. Haha. I definitely won with these leggings though! I think they were $6 on clearance.
xoxo
Shelbee
Laura Bambrick
You are doing so well in trying to challenge yourself by getting out there a little at a time! Slowly but surely! Thanks for sharing your experiences and educating others!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Laura! It actually helps me a lot to be open about my struggle and hopefully it helps others who may struggle the same. Baby steps are definitely the key for me to get back to stress free social living!
xoxo
Shelbee
Shauna
Wow this post hits home. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks too. In fact I just had one a few weeks ago while I was getting my hair done of all places. Out of nowhere, and then bam – FULL blown attack. I know how truly awful and debilitating they can be. Give yourself credit for getting through it! I know how hard that life is..XO
Shauna
http://www.lipglossandlace.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Shauna, thanks so much for reading and relating. Although I am so sorry that you struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, too. I hate when they come out of nowhere unexpectedly like that. It is so scary and you try so hard to appear calm until you get out of the place. Whenever I have attacks like that in public, I can’t get home fast enough and I always have to put on my jammies and climb under the blankets until I feel safe again! Hang in there, my friend, and keep talking about it! I feel like I can handle it so much better when I am open about the struggle.
xoxo
Shelbee
Gail
Thanks for sharing your story. It took a lot of courage to go into Torrid. At least you came out with an amazing pair of leggings! Agoraphobia and anxiety is probably on the rise because of the pandemic. A lot of elderly people have literally stayed indoors since March shielding. Very worrying.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Gail, thank you so much! I am glad that I pushed myself. I also get super worried about others during this past year especially people with underlying mental illness and people who live alone as well as the elderly who have really isolated. Apparently suicides have increased by 200% this past year. 200%! It makes me so sad and heartbroken.
xoxo
Shelbee
Bojana Krienke
I wish I could just reach out and hug you. Reading that post hit me hard. I don’t suffer from panic attacks and reading the process of how it comes on for you was heartbreaking but so important, and brave, to share with others. My friends little girl started having panic attacks this fall as we were returning to school. They had no idea what it was and ended up thinking she had a heart problem and rushing her to emergency, twice and then a pediatrician explained that she thought it was panic attacks. Horrifying. Now, like you, she can feel them coming on and at least there is comfort in knowing what it is and how/what to expect but so hard to manage. I am glad that you did have some really successful experiences, such as going shopping at the mall, and of course your outfit looks on point and so cozy. Also, imagine my surprise when I saw my post featured, thank you so much. Happy Wednesday!
bosbodaciousblog.blogspot.ca
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Bo, for this wonderful comment. I always am afraid to share these kinds of stories, but then when I do, I realize that it really is necessary. If I am to make sure that my struggle has a purpose, it is exactly this…to share without shame so others may be comforted and feel less alone in their own struggles. That is so sad about your friend’s daughter. I do recall have many panic attacks when I was a child but we never had any idea what it was. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s and was having major panic attacks that I realized that I had been having them my whole life. I am so glad that she has already learned to identify them. It will help her so much in the long run.
And it was my pleasure to feature your post with your fun tie dye loungewear! Thanks for always stopping by and joining my parties!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lucy Bertoldi
Oh Shelbee, that anxiety feeling is all too real…I’ve seen my hybs go through it in the past. I’m glad you got to go out though, even if it was so hard…sometimes we have to get through those motions. So hard though. So proud of you. Honestly this confinement is not easy- and I find it feeds into all my own phobias. Can’t wait til spring and summer get here- fast!! xx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lucy, thanks so much! This anxiety business can be super uncomfortable and often debilitating. But persist I must! This confinement and isolation really is brutal and I just hope that it ends soon or at least warmer days arrive so I can at least breathe some fresh spring air! We will keep on keeping on until we get through to the other side!
xoxo
Shelbee
jess jannenga
I get it Shelbee! Sorry you have to deal with agoraphobia. I understand how hard it is to be isolated and not have these social connections. When we have gone out, it feels strange. I am sure this has taken an emotional toll on so many people. During this, I found myself calling the pharacist about a script and then I would ask him how he was, etc.. just for conversation!!!
You guys got a lot of snow! My bro in Hoboken had 15 inches too. We have just had rain.
Love those plaid leggings with your jacket, great look in the snow!
Have a good day friend!
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jess, thanks so much! I have really isolated myself a lot this past year because of the social anxiety. I don’t like not being able to see people’s faces and so I constantly avert my eyes to the ground which certainly makes me appear more awkward. And just all the things I read and hear about people making public scenes over things more now than ever, makes me want to retreat from the world. I barely even interact with people on the phone or video chat anymore so I totally understand making conversation when you have to call someone like the pharmacist! I am sure you are not the only one who does that. As for the snow, it has snowed nearly every day for the past few weeks here so while we haven’t gotten a huge snowstorm here yet (I think our biggest snowfall in one storm this winter has maybe only been about 15 inches), there is about 4 feet accumulated on the ground now. It never gets warm enough to melt any of it and so it just keeps piling up! A little rain here would be helpful to wash some of it away!
xoxo
Shelbee
Darlene
Thanks for sharing your story, Shelbee. It is truly a journey and I applaud you for trying to move through it. Most people know me as an extrovert but I have my moments of just not wanting to face anybody. I just said to my husband that I’m a little afraid that after this year of not going out much I may not want to! Zoom has been working fine for my leadership coaching and there just isn’t a lot of reason to go anywhere. But I do think we will all benefit from the ability to get out and hope the routine will help. For you, too. Hang in there and give yourself grace for all the effort you are putting into getting out there, my friend.
xx Darlene
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Darlene, my friend, thank you so much for these kind and supportive words. I am always so hesitant to share stories like this but then I figure if I am struggling with these things, I cannot possibly be the only one. And comfort comes from community so why not share it and hope that it can help someone else take action that may be frightening them. Technology has definitely made this isolation so much better for everyone on some levels. I think once the weather gets warmer and I can sit outside in the fresh air, it will definitely help, too. Until then, may the Zoom gods keep us all connected!
xoxo
Shelbee
Cheryl Shops
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story, Shelbee. Clinical diagnosis or no, I think a lot of us are struggling with anxiety right now, and I have had several incredibly awkward encounters because it’s like I’ve forgotten how to interact with people. Also, I am not the biggest fan of small talk to begin with, and making it now just feels ridiculous to me. Anyway, we will get through this, and I think it’s great that you’re celebrating your small victories. Hang in there!
Cheryl Shops | http://www.cherylshops.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Cheryl, thank you so very much. It took me most of my life to realize there is a power in vulnerability and sharing it really can help other people. I think every encounter I have these days is awkward so I totally relate to forgetting how to interact socially. Especially if you were already socially awkward like me! We will definitely get through this because the only other choice we have is to not get through this and I don’t like that option very much! Cheers to small victories!
xoxo
Shelbee
Debbie O
Hi Shelbee
Just wanted to say you look fabulous as usual, plus the fact it looks like you lost a couple of pounds! In any
case I hope this finds you in good health as well as your family.
Your Friend
XOXOX
Debbie O
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Debbie! Stress and anxiety has done wonders for my weight loss! Ha. Not the best way to go about it, but there you have it. I hope you are well, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Lovely
I’m so proud of you that you stepped out of your comfort zone to give that mini fashion show. Those plaid leggings are beautiful! Much love to you!
xoxo
Lovely
http://www.mynameislovely.com
xoxo
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Lovely! It was such a small thing, but still kind of a big deal for me! I appreciate your support so very much, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
ratnamurti
Wow. How incredibly brave to have written this post – am full of admiration for you and also for being THAT person – the one who faces her fears, so bloody hard to do. I know two close friends who have agriphobia. One almost blacks out in the car – so I never ever ask her to come visit – I go to her. No-one who has never experienced this sort of terrifying situation can ever understand the full horror of dealing with it when it happens – the lead up and afterwards too. Even just thinking about having to go into a situation that triggers it all. So, again, freaking bloody wow – love you Shelbee xxxxx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Ratnamurti, thank you so, so much for such a wonderfully empowering and validating comment. I often feel silly that such a little thing like a trip to the grocery store completely wipes me out emotionally. Once I get through all the stress of it though, I definitely can have a good laugh at myself. But sheesh, it really is a battle some days. I absolutely feel for your friend and others who are unable to push through this type of anxiety. It can be very debilitating but I simply refuse to give in to it. So I guess I would rather face my fears in all of their discomfort and get back to living then give it up and spend the rest of my days essentially not living. I have to say that you are an amazing friend for going to your friend knowing that it is too much for her to come to you. Cheers to being a good human! Love you right back, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Katie
Love these plaid leggings and that you were able to have fun trying on clothes at Torrid! I am sorry to hear that your agoraphobia has been made worse by the pandemic but it sounds like you are taking small steps to get out more. I hope you have a great weekend!
-Katie
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Katie! As anxiety provoking as going out these days can be, I do have to push through it otherwise it could get too out of control and I do not want to spend the rest of my life afraid to leave my house. So persist I must! Hopefully by sharing my experience it can help someone else push through these uncomfortable things, too. Have a great weekend, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Midlife and Beyond
Shelbee, you should feel so proud, as this post will help so many people. I think it’ll take a good while for us all to return to where we were in lots of ways – new habits have probably been formed. I’m not a lover of crowds so have quite liked the social distancing, but I agree isolation for us humans isn’t good for us. Beautiful pics and I love your hat and leggings, fab! I’m not a lover of buying online either, I’ve really missed going into a clothes shop for a good old try on! I’ll bet that felt so good. Have a lovely weekend and take care.x
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Alison, thank you so very much for your kindness! I do hope I can return to being more social and extroverted once we have more social freedoms. My fear is that the damage could be permanent and so I keep pushing myself to make sure that doesn’t happen! I do hope that I can help even just one person by sharing my experience. And you are so right that a good ole in store try on is great for the soul! I hope you have a wonderful weekend as well, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jacqui Berry
Thanks for joining me Shelbee, and for hosting too. Jacqui x
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you, Jacqui! Have a wonderful day!
xoxo
Shelbee