Shelbee Says… “Communication is the responsibility of both parties.”

“Dear Shelbee, my spouse and I seem to communicate better through text messaging than through face to face conversations. It seems that face to face conversations always end up in an argument, but when texting we can reveal our true thoughts and feelings more easily and express our frustrations without getting snippy with each other. How can we transition to smoother face to face conversations without arguing?” -I’d Rather Be Texting

Dear Rather Be Texting,

Communication is a rather tricky concept when you really think about it. The way we communicate with one another as humans is distinctly unique from the way communication happens among any other animal species on the planet. Human communication is subject to interpretation. All the time. Based upon our inflections, our tone, the expressions on our faces, our body language. We can say one thing and it can be interpreted with an entirely different meaning based on all of those outside influences. We, as humans, also possess the ability to communicate about abstract things that are remote or imaginary, where all other animal species communicate based solely on their reactions to stimuli in their environments. Based on these facts, human communication creates a climate that easily can foster the occurrence of miscommunication and misinterpretation which often leads to arguments.

So it makes sense that you and your spouse are having an easier time communicating through text messaging. You are removing the main elements in human interaction that often lead to miscommunication and misinterpretation…body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. With all of that taken out of the communication equation, there are just words left on a screen. Of course, words on a screen can often be misinterpreted as well because tone is very difficult to convey without using your actual voice in speech. And attempting to interpret someone’s tone in writing can be a very dangerous obstacle. While it makes sense that you and your spouse have found an easier way to communicate via text messaging, I would venture to guess that miscommunication occurs in that method as well which also leads to arguments.

There is a basic formula that must exist in order for any communication to occur and it is this…at least two individuals must be involved. One who will express the communication and the other who will receive it. If you are speaking without a recipient, it is basically talking to the wind. (Which is okay sometimes. Quite therapeutic actually. I highly recommend it.) Because it requires at least two people, communication is the responsibility of both parties. And what I mean by that is we each have a responsibility to convey what we want to say inclusive of all the meaning and feeling behind our words. As we express ourselves, we also have a responsibility to observe the recipient and ensure that they are receiving the message as we intended.

The person receiving the communication has a responsibility of indicating whether or not they heard the message correctly and understood it as it was intended. Responses to a communicated message can include any number of reactions such as acknowledgement, confusion, happiness, thankfulness, anger, frustration, etc. If the reaction is the one the initial communicator intended, then the communication has been successful. However, if the communicator was expecting a response of happy acknowledgment and received an angry backlash instead, then there was a failure in the communication somewhere.

For example, if the recipient is offended by the communication received and states this feeling, it shifts the responsibility back to the communicator to clarify their intended meaning. And with every back and forth exchange, the responsibility trades hands…like the volleying of a tennis ball. At any point in any conversation, either party may miss the ball, at which point a flaw occurs in the communication, and it can quickly end up in an argument over misinterpretations. Like in tennis, the person who dropped the ball, now holds the responsibility of picking it up and getting the conversation back on the appropriate course of effortless back and forth volleying.

So how can you and your spouse transition from text conversations to face to face conversations that will run smoothly? You need to both consciously recognize your responsibility in creating effective communication. You need to both know that what you say can be interpreted in an unlimited number of ways from good to bad to really ugly. And you need to both understand that if your message is misinterpreted, it is your job to clarify the proper intended meaning. It is also important to understand that misinterpretation and miscommunication is a common theme amongst the human race…accepting this fact should put into perspective that when a breakdown occurs, no fault or blame needs to be assigned. Just see where the fault occurred and remedy it before the misinterpretation gets wildly out of control and ends in argument.

There is a tremendous amount of paying close attention to yourself and the recipient of your communication in order to make the proper adjustments that will lead to smoother communication. Similar to a game of tennis, if you were a professional player, you would study your opponent’s moves and learn how they serve and receive in order to effectively return the ball. And they would study you as well. The same type of studying and learning is necessary with your spouse. For example, after so much time, it should become easier to recognize how your spouse interprets certain tones you may use. And if there is a consistent misinterpretation, a pattern should emerge at which point it should become obvious that you would need to alter your tone in those contexts.

So my suggestion would be this…pay attention to yourself and to your partner. And your partner should do the same. Listen to the other if they are telling you specifically what they are having issues with in the communication. Listen closely without getting angry, knowing that this is an issue that you are working on together…because it does take both of you to repair flawed communication. And if all else fails, go play tennis together. There is less talking and much more back and forth that will help you to more intuitively understand how to communicate more effectively with one another.

Communication is necessary for our existence. And for a happy existence, effective communication is essential.

Shelbee

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*Remember to send me any questions, concerns, or topics that you would like me to discuss. I hope to publish this series every Sunday, but I need your input! Thanks so much!