Shelbee Says…”A certain amount of selfishness is really just self-care.”

April 8, 2018 / 24 Comments

“Dear Shelbee, I want to go out with my friends more and laugh and have fun to get away from my young kids for a bit and unwind and relax. But I also know that my husband and I need more date nights. However, at this point I feel way more inclined to want to hang out with my girlfriends than with my husband. How do I find a balance between family time, me time, husband time, and girlfriend time without the guilt? -Feeling Selfish”

Dear Feeling Selfish,

Finding the perfect balance between all of life’s obligations and responsibilities is one of the greatest struggles we all face. So, first, know that you are not alone with feeling guilty about wanting more time to do the things that you want to do regardless of how selfish they may feel. “Me” time is so important for good mental health and good mental health is so important for managing everything in your life. In order to be the best mother, the best wife, the best friend that you can be and meet the demands that others put on you, you need to be the best version of yourself first and foremost. When you find the things that will help you to become that best version of yourself, you should do those things without guilt, knowing that the benefits go far beyond just you having fun and enjoying yourself.

I think all too often, as mothers and wives, we get caught up in some ancient belief system that our entire existence and purpose in life is to raise our children and be readily available at all times to meet our husbands’ needs. The funny thing is eventually our children reach an age when they become quite self-sufficient and our husbands actually do not have the same expectations of us that we think they do. So while we get stuck thinking that we have to do things the way ours mothers and grandmothers did, our husbands are probably not thinking that way at all. So how to find the perfect balance without the guilt?

I think one of the best ways to achieve this balance is to have a schedule, but a flexible one that can be changed without turning life on its head. Of course, all of the day to day routines and obligations of kids and family life should still remain in tact. So often, these daily responsibilities are enough to completely exhaust us and all other things just fall to the background as we decide instead to have a drink and crawl into bed at the end of the day. So scheduling specific times for alone time as well as girlfriend time and husband time is almost necessary to make sure that you are fitting it in. But here’s the thing, these times do not need to be extravagant. Date nights with your spouse may only happen once a month…where you actually go to all the trouble of getting a babysitter and going out for a date. But you can also schedule date nights with your husband at home after the kids are in bed for the night. It could be something as simple as waiting to have a quiet dinner later in the night or scheduling a movie date complete with popcorn and candy after the kids are asleep.

To get the girlfriend time you need, I find it very helpful to arrange with my husband certain times when I have a girls’ night (or day) out and the trade off is that he then gets some guy time with his friends as well. Perhaps alternating weekends would work so that you each get two friend dates a month where you do not have to worry about child care issues because your spouse has the kids. Another great way to have girlfriend time is coffee or lunch dates if your children are school aged and you have some time during the day to meet up with friends. Or just spending time with friends at your house after the children are in bed.

While time spent with girlfriends and with your husband is very important, alone time is equally important so you have a quiet opportunity to process your life, relax, and rejuvenate. Keep in mind that alone time can be beneficial even if it is only for a 20 minute shower or 30 minutes spent at the gym. When our lives are wrought with obligations that involve interactions with people all of the time, it is often enough alone time to just have a few minutes of quiet. Attempting to get hours of alone time may leave you disappointed, but recognizing that just 30 minutes a day can be enough will leave you feeling much more satisfied.

Here is the trick to all of it….figuring out exactly what you need, when you need it, and being able to properly communicate that to your children and your spouse. But also recognizing when your spouse needs the same and being willing to give that to him as well. In this crazy life, flexibility and willingness to change plans on a whim is also very important. Being able to roll with the punches, so to speak. Being able to change your mind and also being able to accept when your husband changes his mind. Letting go of rigid plans and high expectations especially when it comes to the down times. By recognizing that your essential needs are just as important as everyone else’s will help remove the feelings of selfishness and guilt. A certain amount of selfishness is really just self-care.

And remember…with proper self-care, you are better able to meet the needs of those who rely on you.

Shelbee

For more helpful self-care tips and ideas, check out the Spring Issue of Resilientista Magazine.

Linking up with these Fabulous Link Ups.

*Remember to send me any questions, concerns, or topics that you would like me to discuss. I hope to publish this series every Sunday, but I need your input! Thanks so much!

I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.

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