Confessions of a Judgmental Mom
I confess that I have judged other moms. Way more times than I am comfortable admitting. I know it’s wrong. I even wrote a post exclusively about how important it is to drop the judgments and keep kindness alive. Yet, I continue to do it. We all do. It really is part of our human nature. But there are many things that are natural and instinctual that we exercise will power to overcome. We can do the same with judgments. If we are alert and introspective, we can head off the unnecessary judgments before harmful words can escape our mouths. Now, we cannot necessarily stop the judgments from entering our heads. That is going to happen. Time and again. What we can do is recognize it when it happens…and halt it in its tracks. Because if we don’t, those judgments will come back to bite us. It really is a truth that we get back exactly what we put out into the world.
So let me tell you a story about how I came to address this topic today. A few weeks ago, I was shopping in Target and I had in my hands a copy of Rachel Hollis’s Girl, Wash Your Face. I even put it in my cart. Then I returned it to the shelf before heading to the check out line…mostly because too many things had somehow accumulated in my cart and I decided I shouldn’t spend the extra $15 on a book at that point. Then I saw all sorts of blogger friends praising this book, so I headed back to Target a few days ago and bought the last copy that was on the shelf. And then I voraciously tore through the first 50 pages without budging from my cozy corner of the couch.
In Chapter 4, Rachel addresses a lie that we tend to tell ourselves, the lie that leads us on a path to believing that we are better than others. And this chapter inspired me to share my experience with judgments. Our belief that we are better than others stems directly from our judgments. We literally walk through life passing judgment on everything around us, everything we see, everything we hear, everything we experience. As I have already stated, it is in our nature to judge. But while it is natural to pass judgment, it is our obligation to be kind in how we handle those judgments. And the best way to handle our judgments is to recognize them for what they are, do nothing, say nothing, and move on with our own humble lives. We have all been on the receiving end of judging glances and judging words and we have all been the judgers as well. None of it is pleasant and none of it is necessary. And when we do it, it really does come back on us tenfold.
I am going to share one example from my personal experience. I used to be super judgmental of how people parented their children. Before I ever had children. Funny how that works. Ask my sister. She will tell you. When she had her kids in her early 20’s and I was still in high school, I had all the answers for her on how to better manage her children, how to not be a lazy parent, how to properly discipline them, and the list goes on. I didn’t know what I was talking about at 16 years old and I think I may know even less what I am talking about at 44 years old with two kids of my own. Let’s everyone just face this simple fact of life: parenting is hard. Like really freaking hard. There is no manual. There is no proven method of success for any given situation that deals with kids. Kids are wonderful, miraculous, beautiful, soul-sucking, exhausting, infuriating wretched specimens of human kind. Seriously. I am not even exaggerating. Every single day of my life as a mom, I ride a roller coaster of loving my role as a parent to regretting the day I said to my husband, “I think I want to have kids.”
Would I do it differently given a choice? The answer you are expecting right here is: No way. Even with all the frustrations, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But you all know that I keep it real and raw and honest. And the honest to God truth is this: I don’t know if I would do it differently in hindsight. I really don’t know. Those childless friends of mine currently enjoying all of their freedoms in midlife are serious objects of envy for me. I am tired. I am frustrated. And I miss the carefree days pre-parenthood. I really miss them. You may think I am the worst person on the planet to think such a thing, so pass the judgment if you must. But remember there are always consequences to judgments of this sort. And I do love my children as much as I hate this parenting gig some days. Love and hate are very closely related emotions, sometimes too close for comfort.
Right here, at this exact moment in drafting this post, I leaned back in my desk chair and screamed at the top of my voice at my children as they were throwing blocks at each other. Yes, ages 5 and 7, and they are throwing blocks at each other. I flung an empty threat into the air, spit flying from my lips, and then wondered why, why, why. My only salvation this time is that I didn’t drop an expletive into my rant. Truth be told, the F word is becoming more and more common in my screaming rages.
I didn’t used to scream. Like ever. I was actually a very quiet person with a soft timid voice. That changed approximately 7 years ago. And there seems to be no going back to my taciturn ways. I miss those days. The days of peaceful quietude. But alas, I must accept it for what it is. This is my life. I am a mom. I am a mom who screams. Judge if you must but beware that judgments come back to you in the most unsuspecting ways.
And here is how my judgments have bit me straight in the arse. My kids are rotten. They literally do not know how to behave in public settings. They run up and down the aisles in grocery stores. They punch and hit and start wrestling matches with one another whenever we go shopping anywhere. They can’t sit still in a restaurant. They have absolutely no volume control in any environment whatsoever. They lack discipline despite that fact that my husband and I are fairly strict with our disciplinary policies. My 5 year old is the absolute worst. Punishment does not phase him. In any way. He just takes whatever punishment we dole out, granted he takes the punishment with an all out fight. But we follow through, we are consistent, and yet we never see a change in the behaviors. He is sassy, he is stubborn, he has anger control issues, and he is cute as hell. And he knows it. And it is awful. And I am convinced that it is some sort of karmic backlash for my judgments during my teenage years.
Now I want to be clear. I am not seeking pity nor I am seeking advice. However, if you want to offer either, I will not be offended in any way. I am doing what I can to rectify my fate. I have spoken to his kindergarten teacher as well as his principal about my concerns. I was proactive in this pursuit for two reasons. 1. I really do need some help. Because I am losing this battle and have been for years. 2. I want to avoid that utterly horrifying judgment that I myself have placed upon others of What kind of asshole raised this kid?
Because I have been very introspective about how I parent and how I judge others, I now think very differently about those parents I see in public whose children are behaving like complete monsters. I no longer judge them. I simply feel pity as I suffer the same pain. And on those days when it’s not my children acting that way, I am simply grateful for a day of reprieve. I know that we are all doing the best we can do in that moment with the resources and the energy we have left. And as these wee little beasts continue to deplete what enthusiasm we have managed to hold on to, we just continue to put one foot in front of the other and go to bed at night knowing that we all survived another day. Sometimes that is the best we can do. Just survive.
Hence, my tee shirt…it is nearly every day that my coffee needs coffee. It is my weapon of choice. You can see another way that I have styled this top in this post discussing the behavior of my 5 year old.
Am I out on this limb all alone in this parenting struggle? In my tendency to judge others? Have you screamed and yelled and felt defeated by your kids? Do you sometimes feel like a giant hypocrite? My misery might like some company right about now! Please feel free to indulge me, if you please.
Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Ups.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
37 Comments
Tamar A Strauss-Benjamin
It is human nature to judge. Amazing right? But it’s even harder to toss those aside and be kind to others and even more to ourselves!!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I agree completely, Tamar! Thanks for reading, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy Baten
Bringing up children is the hardest job in the world in my opinion. I have no kids. But I think it’s very scary to bring up children to be social, kind, and happy people. It’s a hell of a job.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
It is for sure one of the most challenging things I have ever done, Nancy! I thought I was crazy in the deepest parts of my Bipolar struggle…well, I have to tell you, that’s nothing compared to the craziness of parenting!
xoxo
Shelbee
Bettye
Cut yourself some slack. I feel blessed EVERY DAY cuz I had The Easiest Kid in the World. I don’t know how it happened but believe me I never look that gift horse in the mouth. But even I, who won the easy child award, had a tough time. I would get frustrated and yell, punish unreasonably at times, etc. On the best of days it’s a ridiculously difficult job. So yeah, keep figuring out how to be better at it, talk to his teachers etc., but in the meantime don’t knock yourself down. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can, and amazing thing about kids, sometimes they start out as little monsters and end up as fantastic human beings.
Bettye
https://fashionschlub.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Bettye, thank you so much for that! I do actually put it into perspective quite often that some of these atrocious personality traits that drive me completely bonkers will be traits that I will admire and respect in them when they are adults. And as crazy as they make me, my kids are pretty cool kids. They very much go with the flow when it comes to all the ups and downs of military life. Not much phases them when major changes occur. For that I am so very grateful. The overall picture is pretty decent, but the day to day struggles can make it all seem so grim!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nina
Like Bettye, I had it very easy with my daughter, except for her last three years of high school, and even then I had it easier than most parents. Knock on wood. I think boys can be harder when they are younger; they have so much energy to burn off, that’s my theory, for what its worth. We are human, we make mistakes, but in the end, kids need to know they are loved, really loved, and knowing you, you and your husband love those two. We had four male exchange students ages 13-17 and they were lots of fun-I do think boys get easier as they get older, while girls may be a little easier when they are younger. Anyway…not sure why I’m rambling on here…hugs to you…nina
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Nina, thanks so much for rambling on…it did bring me comfort and encouragement. And that’s probably what I need right about now! My kids are pretty cool and very easy going when they are not being obnoxious beasts! I could definitely have it worse, I am sure. But, my goodness, the struggle is real! It’s good to know that I am not alone. Cheers to all of it!
I haven’t gotten to Rachel Hollis’s chapter on how she has eliminated the lie “I don’t know how to be a mom”. Maybe I should just skip ahead and read that!
xoxo
Shelbee
susan
I am not a parent. I am a godmother, auntie and human to a cat and a dog. But I know kids, all too well.
I am a school bus driver.
This means I am solely responsible, on a daily basis, for the safety, well being, and tissues supply for 50 little ones, 48 middle schoolers (shudder) and 62 comatose high school kids, along with their corresponding parents, guardians, teachers and administrators. And believe me, they ALL judge. Not themselves, or their kids, but ME! Vociferously and bitchily, often with no information. I do this daily, morning and afternoon, with no bus aide, no seat belts, and above all, no air conditioning.
I’ve been doing it since 2007. I have yelled, cajoled, bribed, fibbed, blackmailed, and cried. Sometimes I fear my head will explode. I continue this torture, because it makes me feel alive, useful, and keeps me on my toes.
I am extremely good at my job, and most days I love what I do. My kids love me, and parents request me. At Christmas, they give me gift cards, candy, gifts, baked goods and appreciation. Even the extremely poor ones.
Believe me, I know the frustration you are feeling, Shelbee. And the grimness, and the feeling that you just can’t give any more. Without coffee, I wouldn’t do it.
Kids are frustrating and adorable, because that is their job.
Now, I was a great kid, but a nightmare teenager. My poor, suffering parents!
What goes around comes around, and I am quite sure that in heaven, my mother is grinning at me.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Susan, I applaud you for the job you do! I was a bus aide for a preschool many years ago (before I had kids) and I really don’t know how you do it, with no aide, and maintain your sanity! I also don’t know why my time as a bus aide didn’t deter me from having kids! You think that would have been enough to make me never want kids! Ha. Once again, you have left me chuckling at your descriptive narrative of how you deal with busloads of kids, literal busloads! And I am absolutely certain your mother is grinning at you right now! Thanks for sharing your story, your experience, your kindness, your humor, and your light with me!
xoxo
Shelbee
Stephanie
I used to be one of those, if your kid cant behave in a restaurant then dont tsle them. Then I had a child with autism. And never occurred to me that it could have been a meltdown. I have been on the receiving end of judgmental people now because of how my son is. He behaves so well ins tores and restaurants for the most part. When he doesnt it is due to being sensitive to sounds lights smells etc. But I have cried at a parking lot at olive garden because of judgemental people. Telling me to never bring my son in public. But we as humans judge we are judgemental. Cut yourself some slack. It’s ok.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing your experience. This is yet another reason we must be careful of our words when the judgments creep in. We have no idea what other people’s stories are and what the reasons behind certain behaviors may be. That makes me so sad that you have been brought to tears by cruel words from unfeeling passers-by. It is so much better to offer a sympathetic glance or a helping hand when we see a mom who is clearly struggling with her child rather than passing an uninformed judgment on them. I adore you and respect you so much. You are one tough momma, for sure!
xoxo
Shelbee
Susan
@Stephanie
Can I just tell you, that as a bus driver, I would rather drive the autistic kids (which I do in the summer) any time. It’s the middle schoolers I never wish to see again. Compare the two:
Autistic kids have certain requirements. If you meet those requirements, they are kind, respectful, smart and appreciative. A delight to transport from a school bus driver’s point of view.
Middle schoolers think they are entitled to every single thing. They are mouthy, unkind, dumb as the proverbial plank, and they think they know everything. Including how to drive.
Stephanie, you will never, ever get any judgement from me, other than a favorable one.
Kelsey Bang
I like how you layered! cool style!
kelseybang.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Kelsey! I am ready for Fall and lots of layering tricks!
xoxo
Shelbee
Kim
Hey, Shelbee! I have raised five children who range from 19-29 yrs. old, four girls, one boy. I can answer I would do it all again, in spite of the frustration and heartache. Misc. tips on what seemed to be helpful for me: A swat or several on the bottom for full-on disobedience; teaching, i.e., this is how to appropriately act at the ___. I’ve removed my children many times from public settings to take them outside until they feel they can act better and rejoin the family (sitting politely at the dinner table at home really helps with restaurants to practice manners); As Dr. Phil used to say “know their currency” for discipline, i.e., will it influence your child more to give them a time out (away from their toys), not let them watch a favorite show, cancel a play date, etc. Have the punishment fit the crime, i.e., one time my son used a lighter and can of WD 40 to make a flame thrower in front of the neighborhood kids, YIKES! I had him look at all of the various containers in the garage and make a list of everything that was flammable, so he could see the danger… Plus, I prayed for wisdom and patience a lot. Good parenting is not for the faint of heart! Sometimes the only mantra that may get you through the day is “this, too, shall pass”!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh my goodness, Kim, these tips are fantastic! Thank you so much! It is always helpful to hear it from parents who have successfully raised their children into adulthood! Especially when adulthood seems so very far away that I feel we may never make it there in tact! A make shift flame thrower?! Oh my goodness! Kids do some really crazy things and we hear ourselves string together words we never thought we would! I appreciate your support and suggestions more than you know. Thank you!
xoxo
Shelbee
FancyBoy
Omgggggg. Too real. Keep following thru with the your rowdy one! I’ve been there and it gets better. I have two totally planned children, but was very enamored with being childless until about 30 and changed my mind. I feel like not enough people champion the childless lifestyle choice.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Becky, thank you so much! My children were both totally planned, too. And up until I was 35 I did not want children. Then I changed my mind. And once you make that commitment, there is no going back! I agree with you completely though…there are not enough people who champion the childless lifestyle choice. Most just pass their silly judgments on people who choose not to have kids. Ugh. There are those judgments again!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jessica A Jannenga
Shelbee,
I give you loads of credit. I think it must be hard and I don’t have the experience. I just see some of the things my younger sister goes through. I agree about judgements and you are so right, it is about not reacting or speaking out about those judgements, no one knows the family life and background necessarily of other people. My hubby and I do not have kids, and when I thought i might want a child, I was 40 and soon after diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos. Having a chronic pain condition, where it effects your daily energy, would have made it impossible to take care of a child, not to mention impossible to do when you take daily pain medication- I couldnt imagine having to go off of it for 9 months.
Give yourself credit!
jess xx
thanks for linking
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jess, thanks so much for your kind words and for sharing your journey as well. I agree with you…the whole parenting thing from the start would have been much more challenging with chronic pain. And after 40, too! I was almost 39 when I had my youngest and I am tired, tired, tired! We tried for a third child and I drew the cut off at 42. Once I turned 42, I got my tubes tied! No more babies in my 40’s. No way. Now how!
xoxo
Shelbee
Deborah Stinedurf
Oh my friend, you are so very accurate in your thoughts on judgement. It is absolutely human nature. I can be super judge-y in my head, but as you said, it’s all in what you do with it. I never voice it out loud (except maybe when my bestie and I being bitchy in private) because intentional cruelty is never ever the right thing to do. In regard to your boys…let me tell you a story. My daughter for the most part is an absolute sweetheart both in public and at home. I am truly super lucky. But her brother on the hand? Holy mother of god, that boy was a total hell beast. Not in public mind you, every single adult human that he came in contact with adored him. At home? There were days that quite honestly I didn’t even like him. He was mouthy, disrespectful and knew the exact buttons to push to throw me over the edge. One time when he was about 13 I actually launched airborne off of the couch and landed on him in the chair I was so furious. He was such a mean little diva…I often hear people say that raising a girl is so difficult, but seriously, a gay boy is a billion times worse…lol! I always knew though, that the very things that infuriated me would make him a damn cool adult. And guess what? He’s 28 now and my best friend. I adore his snarkiness and insights into the world. He makes me laugh and he loves his mama to the moon and back and I feel exactly the same way. So just know my friend, this too shall pass. It might sound trite, but it’s true. One day you will look at those boys and think “You are two of the finest humans that I know”. I promise, it will all work out in the end. Just keep loving them and doing what you’re doing and learning to do better as you go.
Debbie
http://www.fashionfairydust
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Debbie, you seriously brought me to tears by the end of this comment. Like the good heartfelt, feel the feels, mom tears. All I can say is that I hope you are right. And I suspect that you are. My kids will be pretty cool adult people because they have pretty cool adult people raising them by and setting the example for coolness. Thank you so much for sharing this and your perspective. I appreciate it so much!
xoxo
Shelbee
Claire
Love your top Shelbee 🙂 My coffee needs coffee too.
You are right, when we pass people we do pass judgement in our heads on different thing when something happens that we notice. It is human nature. I can also sometimes see people stare at me and are passing judgement in their head.
I have 4 children and they have been hard work over the years but everything we have been through has been worth it. I am so proud of them and how two have them have already grown into amazing and caring adults.
When I see a child behaving badly for their parents or throwing a strop in a shop for something, I secretly think in my head, been there and have that tee shirt 🙂
Thanks for sharing at Creative Mondays 🙂 Hope you can join us today.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Claire, thank you so much for sharing your parenting experiences with me. It is always so helpful to know that I am not alone, that this parenting thing is difficult for all of us, and that eventually these kids grow into decent adults! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michele Morin
Amazing how we know so much about parenting before we actually have kids! I’m seeing this now in my own adult children: the humility of those with a couple of toddlers and the “expertise” of those who have none!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
It is so true, Michele! I also love people who make careers as “parenting experts”. Is there really such a thing?! I mean, I get it, if you get your advanced degrees in child psychology and stuff, you have some insight into a child’s brain, but really, I don’t think anyone can totally understand a child’s brain! And no one is an expert on parenting! We all just fumble our way through it. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
xoxo
Shelbee
Melissa
Oh Shelbee you are absolutely right! It will be impossible not to judge, unfortunately that’s what we do. Parenting is hard as heck! None of us truly know what we are doing or if we are doing it right! It’s hard raising kids, they are jerks, know it all, expensive, hard headed yet they are cute and we love them with all of our being. I have a teenager who hates me, doesn’t want me… but needs me- which is the hardest to understand! I also have a 9 & 8 year old which feels like twins at all times. Nothing fazes my 9 year old and my little man is glued to my hib (I swear). I loose my patience about 20 times a day, but at the end of the night I give myself a pat in the back for accomplishing one more day. Would I change anything about this? Idk. I love them more than I dislike parenting… if that makes senses 😉
What I do know is you are doing the best you can. That’s all we can actually do. One day they’ll be in our shoes. And we’ll probably miss these crazy days…. probably hahahaha
xo
Mel
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mel, thank you so much for relating to me on this one! Sometimes, we bare these crazy thoughts and emotions to the world then brace ourselves for the backlash of judgments! Oh those nasty judgments. Ha. Parenting really is the craziest ride ever, isn’t it? And I know one day, these kids won’t want me and it will break my heart. My 7 year old still wants “snuggies” every single day and sometimes it annoys me….mostly on days when it is 95 degrees with 100% humidity! The last thing I want is a 92 pound child climbing on my overheated body! Hahaha. But when the day comes when he no longer wants Mommy “snuggies”, I know my heart will break. Such a conflicting journey…every step of the way. But it does make for good topics of discussion, doesn’t it. And lots of humor. If we can’t laugh at it, we are doomed. You are an inspiration to me, for sure!
xoxo
Shelbee
Wrae Sanders
I’ve got three kids and it’s rough. I’m working on the not yelling thing. All we can do is our best!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Wrae! It’s comforting to know that I am not alone in the struggle!
xoxo
Shelbee
Carmela
Hello, Shelbee!
I really like the part when you said “it is our obligation to be kind in how we handle those judgments. And the best way to handle our judgments is to recognize them for what they are, do nothing, say nothing, and move on with our own humble lives.”
When you can’t be kind…be quiet. 🙂 🙂
Love your photoshoot, by the way! And your outfit too.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Carmela, thank you so very much your kind words! We are judgmental by nature, but I do not believe that we are unkind by nature. I also believe that we have been given the capability to exercise self control for a reason…to bite our tongues! You are exactly right…when you can’t be kind, be quiet. Walk away. And move on from it all. It is absolutely the better way!
xoxo
Shelbee
Daydreams of a Mum
Oh I know what you mean about feeling like a huge hypocrite !!! All the pre children me rules about “If I had kids I’d NEVER let them behave like that” went out the window pretty quick onve I actually had them. #blogcrush
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
It is so funny how that works, isn’t it, Kelly? But I am glad that I am not alone in my hypocrisy! Ha. Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope you have a fantastic day!
xoxo
Shelbee
Karren Haller
I laughed when I read that raising kids does not come with a manual, the same words I told my son when on the night his son was born and he said, “Now what do I do?” (he was asking how do I take care of him) I told him well they arent born with a how to book. I dont think that most parents have any idea what it will take to raise their kids. Its really a mixed bag, you can try and instill them with how you were raised, with good values, honesty and respect, and then its a gamble as to whether they will use your teachings. I could go on, but I’ll stop there.
Thank you for being a bloggy friend and for sharing your blog on #omhgww and #omhgff each week!
Enjoy your weekend!
Hugs
Karren
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Karren, thank you so much for your kind comment and for sharing your parenting experience with me. I said the same exact thing as your son when we got in the car to drive home with our first born. I was sitting in the back seat with this tiny little foreign creature because I was too scared to leave him back there alone and I said to my husband, “Um. What do we do now?” And his response was, “I have no idea.” Over 7 years later, we are still fumbling our way through this parenting thing!
And thank you for hosting such great link ups each week and for being a great supporter and blogging friend as well!
xoxo
Shelbee