Childhood Grief & #SpreadTheKindness Link Up #120
I had planned on talking about the Law of Attraction for today’s post. I even had it titled that way and sat down to write the first sentence. But I couldn’t get the words to flow. Because there is something else weighing heavy on my heart the past few days. And while it is not a topic that I would normally discuss in a #SpreadTheKindness post, it is the topic that is overtaking all other thoughts in my mind right now. And something is telling me that it is what I need to be writing about today. Maybe for me. Maybe I need your support, advice, suggestions, prayers. Or maybe someone else is dealing with something similar and they need to hear my experience to know that they are not alone. Whatever the reason, I am pulled to share it here.
It is a tough subject to discuss and it brings me to tears just thinking about it. In fact, I have cried a lot of tears the past few days. I am emotionally exhausted from it and I know there’s a long journey ahead of me until we get through the whole process. My child is grieving. And I didn’t even realize it. I briefly mentioned in my post on February 15 that a house fire in our neighborhood had claimed the lives of a father and four of his daughters. One daughter was in my son’s second grade class. As we trudged through the immediate aftermath of the tragedy, my son seemed to be doing okay. Like really okay. My husband and I sort of shrugged our shoulders and said to one another, “Wow. He’s doing better than we are.” And so the days following turned to weeks and now we are 2 1/2 months past the event and life just keeps moving on, as it will.
So it was completely off my radar. Not even a thought in my mind. And about 3 weeks ago, my son started exhibiting some serious regressive behaviors. I am not going to disclose what the behaviors are only because I don’t ever want this to come back on him when he is older and embarrass him beyond belief. In any event, the behaviors started out just frustrating us. As they persisted and worsened, we got angry, then disturbed, and finally concerned. Like really concerned. On Sunday, my husband and I sat together in our bedroom and we cried together. Completely at a loss for an explanation and totally unclear what we should do.
So I phoned my sister. Because she is really good at giving me outside perspective when I am so completely lost as I was. After talking to her for only a few minutes, we began to piece together a timeline of these regressive behaviors. And I realized that they began the week he started going home with my dear friend Danielle every day after school. Danielle was aware of the behaviors as well because she is my confidante and that friend with whom I discuss things of this nature. And neither of us made the connection. But here it is…Danielle lives in the house directly next door to where the fire occurred. Suddenly, weeks after the tragedy, my son found himself walking past that house every day, sitting on the front porch with all the evidence of the fire in direct view. And we just didn’t realize that this is what was effecting him.
As I had one of those ah-ha moments, thanks to my sister, realizing that grief was the cause of the regression, I broke down into tears. Again. I felt my heart break into a million pieces for so many reasons. My son was grieving so deeply and he had no idea how to articulate it to anyone other than these extraordinarily bizarre and very frustrating actions. And I missed it. For three long weeks, I completely missed it. And that hurt my heart so immensely.
Once the realization came, I texted his teacher on Sunday afternoon (I hate doing that, but I felt it was necessary). God bless this amazing woman, she phoned me immediately and I explained what was going on and my suspicions that it was all rooted in grief. And we cried together on the phone as she stood in the check out line at Lowe’s. I cannot even express my gratitude for her and how blessed we are to have her as his teacher. She asked me if I trusted her and I replied that of course I did. She said she would be talking to a few counselor friends of hers as well as the counselors at school. If you are ever in need of a qualified counselor, you can find a multitude of helpful resources at BetterHelp.com.
Monday morning, I went to visit the principal, another amazingly compassionate woman whom we are fortunate to have at the helm of my children’s elementary school. In her office, I cried again. She consoled me and reassured me that she would be taking action that day in getting some assistance for my son. A few hours into the school day, the school counselor called me and we talked for a bit so I could give her all the information about the situation. I felt confident leaving my son in her care for this matter. A recurring theme that kept coming up as I spoke to my son’s teacher, principal, and counselor was this…we have no idea how children grieve because no child has ever been able to articulate it in adult terms. And so, as we are faced with the challenge of assisting our children through the grief process, we are completely lost ourselves.
So while I thought we had cruised right through this process, I realize now how very wrong I was. We are just at the very beginning. It’s not going to be easy. I am sure there will be many more tears to follow. This event will stick with him, with all of these kids, for the rest of their lives. They will feel this loss 10 years from now when they graduate from high school. They will remember it when they have children of their own. The emotions will creep up on them unsuspectingly every time they see a similar story in the news. It will leave a hole in their hearts for a very long time. And as they grow and mature and gain a better understanding of this type of loss and how the grieving process works, they will still not quite understand it because it happened when their young minds were much too immature to comprehend it all.
Yesterday, we had a bit of a breakthrough as I hesitatingly asked my son if all these behaviors that have been stressing us out so badly had to do with his friend. I didn’t want to mention her. I was afraid to. But I felt like I had to. And I fully expected a complete denial from him. What I got was the opposite. He spilled it all. He told me that he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He couldn’t focus. He was tired and his head hurt. And he was sad. We had a heart wrenching conversation. The kind of conversation one is never ever prepared to have with their 7 year old child. And then I gave him ice cream.
We are only at the beginning, but progress has been made. And any progress is good progress. I am grateful for that. But my heart still hurts. It is the strangest thing to me that the older I get, the harder my heart becomes, the more invincible I feel to emotional destruction. I am confident that I cannot be hurt by others because I have grown strong through the years. Yet our children can shatter the walls we have built in a single moment. They can break our hearts and crush our souls so deeply that it makes it hard to breathe. And that is where I am right in this moment. Trying to be strong to get him through this grieving process. Reaching out to all the available resources for help. Knowing full well that the only way to the other side of this is to go straight through it yet wanting so badly to protect my child from having to feel it all.
I apologize for the very sad topic today. But I needed to release it somehow. I appreciate any feedback you may have, any suggestions, any prayers and healing energy that you can send our way. This parenting thing really is no joke. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And I just hope that I am not failing.
And now your featured favorites from last week.
Chrissy of Granola and Grace shared her post, Meadowlark Leggings: Eco-Friendly, Elegant & Comfortable. Not only does Chrissy look adorable in this fun casual outfit, but her review is super informative and she will always leave you with a chuckle and a smile. Go read it!
Julie of This Main Line Life shared her post, Creating Lasting Change. If you are looking to create change in your life on any level, Julie has shared some great tips to help you make it happen. Definitely worth reading this post!
Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Linking up with these Fabulous Link Parties.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
75 Comments
Kellyann Rohr
Shelbee, I am so sorry for all of this – the horrible fire, the loss of lives, the grief your community is experiencing. Your precious son, thank goodness you know what is happening now and can start helping him heal. Hopefully the school has learned a little something too about offering information on grief in young people – it can manifest itself in so many different ways and at different times. Luckily it’s not something schools have to deal with on a daily basis but when it happens it’s good to have a plan in place. At my school, we lost a 3rd grader in a tragic car accident in a neighborhood many of our students lived in. It was heartbreaking! I spent the rest of the year in the classroom, several days a week just spending time with the kids and talking with them. Prayers for you and your son!
xo,
Kellyann
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Kellyann, I cannot thank you enough for sharing these words with me. And I think the school counselors and the teachers and principal are learning that this is going to carry over throughout the school year. They had so many grief counselors available in the weeks that immediately followed and then it just kind of all tapered away and everyone seemed to get “back to normal”. I think they now realize that the grief symptoms will continue to manifest now months after the event. I am so fortunate to have the support in my community and here in my blogging community, too. Thank you so much.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jill
Parenting is the hardest job we’ll ever have. We’ve gone through similar situations where we thought our daughter was handling a situation fine but later finding out it was tearing her up inside and resulted in other issues. As parents, we want to avoid the subject because we don’t want to upset our kids but it always seems to turn out that that is what they really need. Don’t be hard on yourself! You are doing a great job!
Jill – Doused in Pink
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jill, thank you so much for sharing this and your experience and what you have found to work for you and your kids. It was like I didn’t want to bring it up with him because I didn’t want to open a wound and cause a flood of emotions. But that is exactly what needed to happen. You have to feel the pain in order to process it. And while I didn’t want my child to have to feel any pain, repressing it is no good either. I so appreciate all the support you are all giving me on this.
xoxo
Shelbee
mireille
Thank you for sharing and I am so glad that you have such a good supportive community! I have 4 boys and hope that they will not have to experience that kind of grief. While we have had different family members pass away, it has never been someone their age. You are a good mom! Our children do react in different way: when we moved last year, one of my boys had a hard time with it and I didn’t realize that his behavior was related to that move till he moved on then I realized that it started occuring a couple months before till a couple months after when he adjusted to new place and school.
http://www.chezmireillefashiontravelmom.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mireille, thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your experiences about your children. It is so easy for us to lose sight that they all react differently in any given situation. I was just talking to Archie’s teacher yesterday and she was saying how it was weird that she has only seen a few behavior changes in the class and that now has her worried that some of the kids are repressing so much. She explained that they tried so hard to get “back to normal” but with this huge void that is so evident in her classroom that she wonders if that was the right way to handle it at all. Yet it was the only way that made sense to her at the time. While I am struggling to get one kid through this, she has to help get an entire classroom of kids through it while she is also grieving the loss of one of her students. It is just so hard for everyone. But I am so grateful to have so much support in my blogging community and in my real life community.
xoxo
Shelbee
jodie filogomo
You are so good to reach out to all you know to try to help your son, Shelbee. I can’t even imagine such pain for you all. You son is sensitive and that’s a fabulous thing. Even during these times of tragedy and hurt.
Sending HUGE hugs and prayers!!!
XOXO
Jodie
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jodie, thank you so much. I really appreciate that! This is a process, for sure, but we are strong even while we are sensitive. And we will get through this. I am so grateful for all the encouraging words!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy
You really bring tears in my eyes. If I was a kid, I wished I had a mother like you! But it must have been a enormous tragedy in your community. And I certainly hope that you little boy can cope with it in time.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Nancy, thank you so much for that. And I am so sorry to make your eyes fill with tears! I guess this is one area where I was lucky as a child and had a very supportive and sensitive mother as well. She taught me well.
xoxo
Shelbee
Paul
First of all you both are doing great as parents. What a tragic thing your son has had to experience. Continue to communicate with him ,let him express himself fully, and sometimes just listening without a answer at the moment is also comforting just knowing you are there. Also remember every time he talks about this it opens up this pain again, so he will also need to start healing this deep wound that he will never forget. I hear the word closure and there really is no such thing the wound of pain just heals up better but the scar will always be there as a reminder. Hope this helps a little
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Paul, that helps tremendously. Thank you so much for sharing your wise words with me. You sound like a person who has had much experience with this sort of this thing. I have experienced a lot of loss and grief in my life and while I thought that would help me navigate such situations, it actually makes it more difficult for me because I have become very hardened to it. So getting back my sensitivities to help my little one deal with his grief is a process for me as well. I really appreciate all of the support and encouragement I am receiving from everyone.
xoxo
Shelbee
Laura
My daughter has been fortunate to never experience this type of loss, but she has experienced other things that have saddened her. Children really do express things differently than we do. It took us a while to realize how stressful our move last summer was on her. We took her to a counselor for a while to help her adjust and it helped us all! Because the their actions are so different than ours it can be difficult to connect them to an event or feeling. Don’t be so hard on yourself! You figured it out and are trying your best to help him! That is what is most important!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Laura, thank you so, so much for sharing your experience. You know, we moved a few times in their lives and they transitioned so gracefully that I was like, “Oh, good. Our kids adapt to change really well.” And that’s what I was going on in this situation never realizing that is a totally different thing. We just have to love them through it. I am so glad you found how to help your daughter.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jacqui Berry
Another super post Shelbee, you have such sympathy. Thanks for hosting the #linkup too. Jacqui Mummabstylish
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Jacqui! I really appreciate that.
xoxo
Shelbee
Carrie @ Curly Crafty Mom
Prayers and comfort for your sweet son. I was just talking to my husband about this the other day, but mainly how our son is almost a teen and it seems a lot of things come out in the teen years and we should both just keep an extra eye on him. Not that he has any issues, but he is very, very sensitive. I love that camo jacket and the burgundy color and how you tied it in with your warm socks! I hope everything gets better soon!
Carrie
curlycraftymom.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Carrie, thank you so much! And OMG the teen years…I am dreading those! We just have to love them through it all.
xoxo
Shelbee
lorena
Oh Michelle, I can only imagine. What a difficult situation to through with such a young child. Trying to explain something that is tough enough for an adult to a little boy. I think he is lucky to have you both as parents and also the support of the school staff. It’s very likely he is not the only child to have these feelings and the fact that you came forward to the principal and teacher might not only make a difference for your son but also for the other children in his class. Hugs.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Lorena, thanks so much for your thoughts on this. It is so hard to watch your child in so much emotional pain and just not knowing how to navigate it. I am so grateful that we have resources. It will be a process for sure though.
xoxo
Shelbee
Cheryl Shops
Oh Shelbee, my heart goes out to your son. Grief is tricky enough for adults to experience, and for children who don’t yet have the wisdom to understand or articulate their feelings…yeow. The good news is that you are doing everything you can to help your son, and he will get through it. Hugs to you, my friend.
Cheryl Shops | http://www.cherylshops.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much, Cheryl. I have been saying exactly this same thing…adults can barely grasp the idea of death, how are children supposed to be able to manage it? Yet they are forced to so often. This is definitely a learning experience and one that he will carry with him forever.
xoxo
Shelbee
Brooke
So very sad, and hard. I hurt for you and your sweet son, and your entire community, grief is one of the most painful things, and I couldn’t even begin to know how to help a child through it. You are a wonderful momma for picking up on it and doing everything you can to help him through it.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Brooke, thank you so much for your words. Every little bit of support I can get is so helpful. I guess none of us really know what to do in situations like this. So I am just reaching out, finding resources, and saying lots of prayers.
xoxo
Shelbee
Tea
Shelbee,
What a tough time for your kiddo. Grief is so incredibly hard on us all, it must be so difficult for kids not having the words to articulate how they’re feeling. Don’t be so hard on yourself – you’re doing great Mama! It sounds like you’ve got a solid support system in place and your kiddo is in great, loving hands.
Outfit wise – can I just say, I love your socks and shoe-ties! Great combo.
xo Tea
http://www.whatmamawear.blogspot.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tea, thank you so much! I appreciate your words and your support and encouragement so very much. I am learning as I go, that’s for sure.
xoxo
Shelbee
Emma Peach
I’m so sorry your son has been going through a difficult time, as you all have. I think children are so unused to confronting death, particularly of their peers – as they should be – that it’s really difficult for them to comprehend. They may have experienced the death of an elderly relative, but someone their own age is unimaginable. Just before Isobel finished for the Easter holidays they were all told in assembly that a girl in a younger class had died unexpectedly the day before. She said they all cried, including the teachers. A group from Isobel’s class are now organising a memorial for her, which I think is helping them come to terms with it. I hope your son is feeling much better for sharing his feelings with you.
Emma xxx
http://www.style-splash.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Emma, thank you so much for sharing Isobel’s experience with me. I agree…their little minds can’t comprehend the finality of it all. And then they must get so scared when it starts to sink in. Sending lots of prayers and healing energy to your little girl and her school. It is so, so hard for everyone.
xoxo
Shelbee
Tamar A Strauss-Benjamin
Oh Shelbee. My heart breaks for you all. Children process grief in such a different way from adults. I am glad you seem to be aware of why he is hurting so badly and hope you can help him heal his heart. xo
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Tamar, thank you so much for your thoughts and support. This will certainly be a learning experience for all of us.
xoxo
Shelbee
the real cie
I’ll give this comment a try and see if it gets around the spam filter.
I have a butt-ton of unresolved stuff. I tend to stuff things down and make myself busy. It isn’t really a healthy way to deal with it, but my family didn’t tend to deal with messy emotions like grief. Shove it inside and go on. That is what we do.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Cie, you got through the spam filter! My family was always the type to bury it deep and try to forget it as well. It never really worked out great for anyone. After years of therapy, I have become much more the type to face it head on and deal with it. Get through the unpleasant stuff quickly so I can enjoy life. I hope to teach this same methodology to my children. But alas, grief is personal and we all do it differently. Thanks so much for sharing your experience.
xoxo
Shelbee
Darlene
Wow, Shelbee. Kids act out for a reason and sometimes it’s hard to figure out. As a former educator, I saw this so often in kids and there was always a reason for the change in behavior. You can’t blame yourself. You are doing all the right things now by reaching out and getting support for him and for you. It was so important that you asked him and that you let him talk. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Your love and support will mean everything to his progress through this.
xx Darlene
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Darlene, thank you so much for your feedback on this. I am so lost in trying to navigate this one. It gets a little scary as a parent when you literally have no clue how to get your kids through something like this. But he is strong and resilient and I know on the end he will be fine. It’s just the here and now is so difficult. I appreciate your support and encouragement.
xoxo
Shelbee
Julie | This Main Line Life
Well, not I’m crying too. That’s so tragic. I can’t imagine what that the survivers of that fire are going through. It’s so hard to read kids in these situations. You’re so right that they just don’t show their grief the same way that an adult would and it’s tough to miss. So glad you were able to figure it out. It must have been really scary for him to walk past that every day. Someone in our neighborhood had a house fire a number of years ago (nobody was hurt) and Lauren was scared that we would have a fire for a very long time after that.
Thanks so much for the feature. It’s so nice of you to include it and highlight it like that.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Julie, thank you so much for your kind and supportive words and for your experience about your daughter. I honestly hadn’t even considered that seeing that house every day would effect him so much. Boy, how wrong I was.
xoxo
Shelbee
Kathrine Eldridge
So sorry that you have to experience this. Grief is very hard and my family still is dealing with it 10 years after my husband passed. My son was 7 too. Praying for peace in your family’s heart and for healing. Thanks for the link up.
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh Kathrine, I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a hard thing to process. I lost my father when I was 20, but my brother was only 12. That was 24 years ago and I still don’t think my brother has processed it. I just keep coming back to this thought process of why we don’t have an instinctual response to loss since it is an inevitable part of life. Such a tricky thing to navigate. I appreciate the thoughts and prayers and am sending some right back out for you.
xoxo
Shelbee
Michele Morin
Shelbee, thank you for this very insightful post. I appreciate the way you’ve shared your thought process, from clueless to discovery to addressing the problem. We beat up on ourselves as parents when something blindsides us, but then, we are not omniscient, and God does not expect us to be. Thanks for modeling the whole journey here. Tragedy effects everyone differently, and I think, in some ways, we never get past the need to mourn and lament, whether we’re feeling our own pain or someone else’s . It think this is what keeps us human.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Michele, thank you so much for these words. They really mean a lot and you have articulated this so beautifully. After processing this some more and talking to multiple counselors and teachers, I am feeling much better that I did not fail my child here. I am on top of it and we are making progress. And I feel so fortunate to have so much support and great resources available. I also am so blessed to have this blogging community to share these things with and get outside feedback.
xoxo
Shelbee
Mitch Chaitin
What a horrible tragedy. I cannot imagine how a child can process this. Thanks for sharing and starting the conversation, our best shot at dealing with these things Is coming together as a community.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Mitch, thank you so much for your comment. I agree with you completely that community support is so important in situations like these and I am fortunate to have a lot of that kind of support. These are uncomfortable topics to discuss but it is so important that we do talk about them.
xoxo
Shelbee
Pam Ecrement
Thank you for following your leading on this topic. You have articulated it so very well. It is a topic many do not recognize and you have received some very wise counsel about it. Children do grieve over so many things and we fail to recognize some of those losses for them. As a retired clinical counselor, may I suggest a resource that can be helpful? There is a book that is helpful entitled When Children Grieve by John James and Russell Friedman. (Subtitle – For adults to help children deal with death, divorce, pet loss, moving, and other losses.)
I also couldn’t linkup just now and kept getting error message 502 (whatever that is)
Pam Ecrement
Thank you for following your leading on this topic. You have articulated it so very well. It is a topic many do not recognize and you have received wise counsel about it. Children do grieve over so many things and we too often fail to recognize it is grief or what some of those losses can be for them. As a retired clinical counselor, may I suggest a resource that can be helpful? There is a book entitled When Children Grieve by John James and Russell Friedman. I think it can be very helpful.
PS I could not linkup today….kept getting an error message 502 (whatever that is).
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Pam, thank you so much for sharing this! And it looks like I received multiple comments from you…but this one is worded a little differently from the last one I responded to so I am sharing both on here. I really appreciate your feedback and suggested resources. Thanks so much! And the link up is working now!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jean | Delightful Repast
Shelbee, I’m so sorry your family is going through this. It’s good that you figured out the problem so quickly (yes, quickly!). You’re doing all the right things. I wish every child on earth had parents who were so on top of things.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jean, thank you so much for your encouraging and supportive words. I know I was beating myself up about it, but I guess I did piece it together rather quickly. You are right, some may not ever realize it until the damage is so deep seeded that it is difficult to resolve. I know there is still a long road ahead to get through this one, but any progress is good progress and we are certainly making progress.
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Trauma and grief are two of the hardest things for kids to express especially in young boys. We don’t recognize it many times until it too late. I see this everyday with the students I teach. Also, I know this about myself. I saw something interesting, horrible stuff growing up and my parental unit decided I didn’t need any help. Some of it I still wrestle with today. Good for you for taking proactive steps in this matter. It will take time but progress will come maybe slowly but it will come.
Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful rest of the week.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Patrick, thank you so much for sharing your experience and your perspective. I am a huge advocate of seeking counseling so I definitely did not hesitate in reaching out to find the proper resources. It is just so hard to watch your child go through it. And I am sure even with counseling and lots of support, he will still wrestle with this for probably the rest of his life. I so appreciate your kind words and support, my friend. It takes a village, for sure.
xoxo
Shelbee
Suzy Turner
Oh Shelbee, I am so very sorry your son (and you and your husband) is going through such a horrendous time in his life right now. Grief is such a difficult thing, isn’t it? When I lost my mum, I was only 13 so perhaps I am able to at least understand a little of what he might be feeling. But losing a parent and losing a friend is very different. It sounds like you are so fortunate to have such wonderful teachers at his school. Just being there for him, to talk when he needs it but to also to give him space when he needs that too is all you can really do. He is also fortunate that he has such deeply loving and truly wonderful parents.
Sending you all the biggest hugs,
Love, Suzy xxx
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Suzy, thank you so, so much for sharing these words with me. It is so helpful just to know that we all struggle with the grief process. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mum at such a young age. I lost my father when I was 20, but my brother was only 12 and it really does have a tremendous impact on your life forever. I often wonder what my life would be like had my father lived. I made so many decisions at that point in my life that simply came from a place of grief that I would not have otherwise made. But now in this situation, I am grateful that I understand my own grief because it is helping me a little bit with guiding my son through his grief. But man, it is still a super hard process. I appreciate and your support so very much, my friend.
xoxo
Shelbee
Jessica
Aww…I’m heartbroken just reading this! What a hard thing for an adult to go through, let alone a child. I think you are doing a great job with him though and it sounds like he has an awesome support system.
~Jessica
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Jessica, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It is so helpful to have so much support around me.
xoxo
Shelbee
Pam Ecrement
Hi Shelbee!
Thanks so much for this well-articulated post about children and grief. You gained much from wise counsel. A resource I found helpful when I was working as a clinical counselor is a book by John W. James and Michael Friedman entitled When Children Grieve. It gives a great deal of insight to help adults help children with all sorts of losses.
(Everything seems to be working okay with the Linkup and being able to comment now😊)
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Pam, thank you so much for sharing this resource with me. I will definitely see if I can find that book. I will take any information I can get to help me navigate this. And also thanks for letting me know about the link up. I think the problem was with inlinkz because as soon as you notified me, I tried to add links to other link ups on my blog and on other people’s blogs and none were working properly. I am glad it is resolved though because I really have no energy to deal with technical issues right now!
xoxo
Shelbee
Lauren Sparks
You are a kind, compassionate and intuitive Mama. He will get thru this with your help. Praying for you both. laurensparks.net
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you so much for your encouraging words and prayers, Lauren. I appreciate that so very much.
xoxo
Shelbee
Gail
A powerful and moving account Shelbee, I am crying my eyes out! I sincerely hope your son will be able to process his grief with your help and the other kind people in his life.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Gail, thank you so much for your thoughts and I am sorry that I made you cry! I have been on the phone with counselors and teachers all week and we are working are getting him into trauma counseling. More phone calls need to be made again today. But we will definitely get through this in one way or another.
xoxo
Shelbee
Anna Shirley
This is very sad. It is difficult to cope with grieve when you are adult. For child, it must be much worse. You did great job, like parents. You identified what is going on and you reached for help. And most important thing, you are there for him, whenever he needs to talk. I guess, this will take more time. I wish you strength and I’m sending prayers.
Anna
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Anna, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. We do have a bit of a journey ahead of us on this one, but we are on the right path now. We have a counseling appointment this morning so I will see what next steps are needed and allow the process to do what it does. I really appreciate all of the support I am receiving from this wonderful blogging community.
xoxo
Shelbee
stephanie
I think you are doing a great job. ANd are doing the best you can. Talking to him about his feelings is good, althoug kids may have a harder time with it, at least you are asking and that is the first step. Once these confusing emotions clear up a bit he may talk more about it.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Stephanie, thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. We are going to our first counseling appointment today so I am hoping we are on the right path for processing this all.
xoxo
Shelbee
Liberty
What Lauren Sparks said.
Have you seen the movie Inside Out? Sadness can bring people closer together. I pray that this happens with you, your son, this whole sad situation.
I’ve thought for quite some time that our society is more removed from tragedy than past societies. 70, 100 years ago, people died from all sorts of sad things (safety violations, lack of medical advancement, childbirth sooo many things) probably more frequently than they do now? I could be wrong. But if so, then more people would have been familiar with tragedy and be able to empathize with each other more– even children could empathize with other children more. In college, a dorm mate had lost a sister, and I had no idea how that must have affected her. Only as I’ve become a parent have I possibly begun to understand.
Maybe your son can share his memories with others who knew her…. perhaps that would help? May your son let this help him be a more compassionate person all his life….
And yes, at times parenting is terrifying and I’m sorry you’re going through one of those times but I will keep you in my prayers. My kids are 7 and 9 this year.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Liberty, thank you so very much for sharing this comment! We love the movie Inside Out and honestly I hadn’t even thought of it in this situation, but it is definitely one that we should revisit and watch again. It may have a whole new meaning to us now. I just published my link up post for today and shared a brief update. We have a counseling appointment today. I told my son yesterday that we are going and he is very resistant, so I am hoping he will let down his guard and be receptive to it once we get there. Any prayers are appreciated. Parenting really is no joke and it is nice to have the support and camaraderie from my blogging friends. I really appreciate it.
xoxo
Shelbee
Robin LaMonte
Shelbee,
I am so sad for you and your son as you take this new journey with him as he tries to process his grief and loss as a little 7-year-old boy.
You have done everything you can as a loving mother and I’m so happy you that you have taken action to begin the healing process for your son.
Hugs,
Robin
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Robin, thank you so much for your encouraging words. We had our first counseling session and it went well. But he has been on a roller coaster of emotions this past week and I am exhausted! But one step at a time and we will travel through this process together. I so appreciate the support!
xoxo
Shelbee
Alicia OBrien
What a terrible tragedy. I feel so much for your little son, it’s a sad weight to carry around. Thank goodness you made a connection and he’s getting some help xx #openslather
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you, Alicia, for your kind and thoughtful words. It is going to be a long process, I’m sure, but we just have to get through it.
xoxo
Shelbee
Penny
Oh Shelbee, how sad and challenging this is for your son, and you. But you really are doing things well as a parent. It is such a tragedy for your son, for the school, for those who died, and for everyone in the community. But you truly are on the right road. You took the right action. Heal well – all of you x
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Penny, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It is going to a process, I’m sure, but we are now in counseling and on our way to healing.
xoxo
Shelbee
Anna at Muttonstyle
Both my girls had grief to deal with. One lost her best friend when she was 11. The other experienced an horrific car crash at 16 and was one if 2 who walked away. Its tough for a parent to watch this pain.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh wow, Anna, thank you so much for sharing your experience. That is awful. It is so difficult to help them navigate their way through that kind of grief. I am taking it one day and one step at a time.
xoxo
Shelbee
Theresa Boedeker
Shelbee, I am so glad you took action, figured it out, and sought help. Our children don’t know how to process something so big and heartbreaking. And you are so right, this will affect him in small ways the rest of his life. Parenting can be so hard. Thanks for getting him help and support and walking with him through this. These sentences so encapsulate a momma’s heart: “our children can shatter the walls we have built in a single moment. They can break our hearts and crush our souls so deeply that it makes it hard to breathe.”
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Theresa, thank you so much for this very kind and understanding comment. That was a rough time for me as a parent. And every Valentine’s Day takes me back there. It seemed an appropriate time to share this post again.
xoxo
Shelbee