An End of Summer Epiphany: My Walls, My Door, My Rules
Last weekend, I had a most wonderful lunch date with a fascinating new friend. We dined al fresco on the bay and it was a lovely time filled with great conversation and delicious food on a beautiful late summer afternoon.
We shared all sorts of stories and personal experiences while we dined, happy and sad and all the in-betweens. Nothing in our conversation led immediately to this life changing epiphany, but I have found that when you engage in deep and meaningful conversations with new people who have new perspectives, it can sometimes unlock ideas and concepts inside your own brain that you maybe didn’t have access to before.
As I said, my epiphany didn’t come in the midst of our conversation. It happened during my 35 minute drive home as I was quietly contemplating our afternoon together. It wasn’t even anything in the details of the day that triggered the revelation, but rather it was the whole experience of opening myself up to a new friendship. And just like that, a key turned and unlocked a new perspective for me.
This past year I have very much settled into my reclusive lifestyle and have closed myself off to most people with little desire for allowing anyone new to get too close to me. One thing I have been working on with my counselor is how I can let my walls down and allow new relationships to begin and thrive.
After very much enjoying the time spent with my new friend, I got to thinking about these walls that everyone seems to consider unhealthy and how I can let them down for others, like this new friend, to get close to me. And it suddenly occurred to me that I built these walls for a reason and with a purpose. They were put in place with diligence and care to protect me from the emotional battery that the world likes to deliver.
And guess what? I don’t want to take them down!
I need my walls. I like my walls. I spent a lot of years building my walls with blood, sweat, and tears. And they are beautiful, grand walls that offer me the protection I need in this very scary world. So my walls will stay perfectly in tact just as I have built them, thank you very much. I don’t have to take them down because (here’s the really life-changing part of this epiphany), I built a door right in the middle of my walls! And I can open that door for anyone I choose. I can also close it on anyone I choose. My walls, my door, my rules.
This revelation has seriously lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. All this time I have been fighting against my own instinct. My instincts are usually right so I need to listen better. I guess that’s what I’m doing now. Listening to myself better.
Keep the walls, just open the door once in a while!
Thank you to my new friend for helping me unlock this helpful new perspective. Also, thanks for the fish tacos!
Keeping it on the edge,
Shelbee
Joining these Fabulous Link Parties.
Outfit Details: Dress- Target / Vest-Cato / Boots-Country Outfitter / Hat-Wona Trading / Jewelry-All purchased at small shops and boutiques during my various travels
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am a midlife woman, wife, and stay-at-home mother of 2 boys and 2 cats. I have a passion for helping other women feel fabulous in the midst of this crazy, beautiful life.
32 Comments
Michelle
Agreed! I don’t know why – and I’m sure it didn’t come from introvert parents – when I was younger I was under the misguided belief that I needed to be open to…, well everybody. And it took me a long while, and some bad emotional experiences, to learn how to draw those boundaries. Now I’m proud of those boundaries, dammit!
Love this gorgeous outfit! Perfect for Autumn. And such yummy colors.
Michelle
xoxo
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Michelle! This is such a great comment! It takes a long time to learn how to set boundaries and build metaphorical walls and then the world tells us to take them down. What the heck?! They are there for a reason, a very important reason. I, too, am very proud of my boundaries and my ability to set them and demand respect for them.
Bring on the fall! I am so looking forward to the fall foliage on our drive south in a few weeks!
xoxo
Shelbee
Michelle
I can’t wait to see you!
xoxo
Michelle
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
I am so excited to see you, too!
Joanne
That is a great way to think of it!!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks, Joanne! It really was a lightbulb moment!
xoxo
Shelbee
Patrick Weseman
Looking very nice and amen to this. I love it. That is why our maker invented doors. Thanks for this great post.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Patrick! And thank goodness for doors that open (and close)!
xoxo
Shelbee
jodie filogomo
You really are one smart cookie. We all need walls, and you are such an inspiration Shelbee,
XOOX
Jodie
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, thanks, Jodie! We do all need walls! So why is this a thing that we tell people…to let their walls down? Ugh. No. Just open the door! We don’t need to tear down the whole darn house!
xoxo
Shelbee
Melody Jacob
Nice outfit. Lovely prints. I am glad you liked the fish tacos.
Check out my new post:
https://www.melodyjacob.com/2023/09/the-perfect-pairing-of-purple-lace-dress-for-fall-wedding.html
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Melody! I really appreciate that. Have a lovely weekend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Nancy
Perfectly said! I feel exactly the same! We just have to do as we feel best. But it is very nice to meet a new friend!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks, Nancy! It is really nice to make new friends but it really does get harder the older we get!
xoxo
Shelbee
Marsha Banks
Sometimes, we need to listen to ourselves rather than our therapists/doctors, right? We know, intuitively, when something is good for us and when it is bad for us. I mean, we also need to listen to their advice, but we should also just trust our guts.
I actually began to type that I didn’t know if I had walls up or not. The truth is I have so many walls, there is very little room within those walls at times. I keep things to myself when I should be shouting them to the heavens. I just expect my people to know me. And, they don’t because I haven’t let even them inside my walls. Do I even want them in there? Hmmm…something to think about.
Thank you, Shelbee, for an honest and thoughtful post.
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Marsha, thank you so much. I actually talked about this epiphany with my counselor on Thursday and she said she would carry this analogy forward for other clients who may need to know that their walls are indeed okay to to have. I don’t think she was wrong in trying to help me bring down some walls because she also received that message from the world…that walls are bad. But now we both know that walls are good! They provide very important safety and protection. It’s okay if your room is small with tight walls, you just need to build a little turret on top so you have a place to shout to the heavens! I hope you have a most wonderful week ahead, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Barbara
I love this about doors in intact walls as well, thanks for keeping at the blog
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Aw, thanks so much, Barbara! I really appreciate that. I hope you are having a most wonderful week.
xoxo
Shelbee
Rosemary Davis
Isn’t it wonderful to discover truths for ourselves? This is such a huge realization and it makes total sense. Thanks for sharing.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Yes, Rosemary! I love that I am still learning things about myself! It seems as if every time I think I have uncovered all of my layers, there’s another one waiting to be discovered. Aging is a really beautiful, wonderful, and profound process. I am enjoying it thoroughly. Thanks for stopping by!
xoxo
Shelbee
mireille
Lovely outfit! While I occasionally enjoy company and family, I have found over the last few years that I do not feel the need to have a lot of friends. I don’t need the affirmation of a large group. The nucleus of my family is where I am happier.
http://www.chezmireillefashiontravelmom.com
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Mireille! You articulated that beautifully! Yes, that is exactly what I am feeling. But my circle has become so small that I do feel a little isolated sometimes. Then I get scared and retreat further. Ugh. I guess growing pains never really end!
xoxo
Shelbee
Jeanne
And here I thought the post would help me motivate a teen to do a chore! Great post. Remember to look out the windows now and then as well! 😉
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Oh my goodness, Jeanne, thank you so much! I just laughed out loud at your first sentence! I had to go back and read my post title again first. And when I read it from your perspective, it absolutely sounds like a teenage incentivizing chore post! That is super funny. I apologize for misleading you but I am very happy that enjoyed what it actually was about as well. Yes, I will definitely be sure to look out the windows. And sometimes, I might even sit on the porch! I forgot I built one of those, too!
xoxo
Shelbee
Gail
I’ve had a similar epiphany. When I retired last year, I was obsessed with doing something every day and finding new friends. I did both but found it exhausting. Now I’m finding pleasure in being at home, gardening and writing, and going out occasionally. People seem worried that I’m not having as much fun as I was…..but they don’t realise that as an introvert, I prefer my own company…..while opening the door occasionally!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Gail, thanks so much for sharing this. I am getting a lot of great feedback on this post with so many people able to relate to these feelings. Making new friends is really difficult the older we get and I, too, enjoy my solitude very much. I have been getting out a little more lately for social occasions and I am going to a meditation workshop this weekend. I haven’t joined a group activity like this in years. I am excited but also a little nervous. At least, it’s mediation focused so there shouldn’t be too much socializing! Ha.
xoxo
Shelbee
Esme Slabbert
Congratulations, your post will be featured on SSPS, on Monday and also on FB Bloggers Share, Care & Inspire as well as Instagram: _esmesalon
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Esme, thank you so much! I am honored that you featured my post! This was definitely one of my more “raw emotions” posts that can be a little intimidating to share, so I really appreciate it! I hope you have a most wonderful week ahead, my friend!
xoxo
Shelbee
Debra
Hi, Shelbee. Wanted to let you know this post will be featured at the next Gma’sPhoto LinkUp Party #9 | LinkUp Your Own Party which opens at midnight central time.
Take care and best wishes!
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Thanks so much, Debra! I really appreciate that and I am honored!
xoxo
Shelbee
Leslie Susan Clingan
Wow, I love your color palette. And the hat. And the boots. This is such a perfect transition-into-fall look. My sister found a really pretty pair of pants in that same wine/maroon color at Belk. I am trying to keep from buying much this month or I would have snatched up a pair, too. That color is divine…imbibable.
As for the walls…I waiver back and forth about lowering my walls and allowing more folks in, accepting invitations to lunch, or coffee or shopping. And then I get all wrapped around the hub as the ‘date’ approaches and try to think of some graceful way to get out of going. I have decided, once again, that I am happier by myself. Of course, there’s my husband but I can be by myself while he is home much of the time and he likes being by himself, too. So, high five on keeping the walls in place. I see what not having a wall in place has done to my beloved border town, El Paso. Sometimes walls are very, very good.
shelbeeontheedge@gmail.com
Leslie, thank you so much for this lovely and very insightful comment. Dark wines and burgundy colors really are divine especially at this time of year. I love these shades of autumn so much! I, too, have been refraining from shopping and focusing on what I already have and upcycling the things that I don’t wear into things that I will wear.
I also much prefer solitude and solitary activities, but sometimes I do crave some social interaction. The same as you, though, once I commit to a social engagement I often find myself trying to get out of it as well. But I always reserve the right to change my mind and life is too short to do the non-obligatory things that we don’t want to! I never get mad at anyone for canceling a social engagement even if it is for the simple reason that they are feeling up to it. Because I totally get it! I think most walls are good, too. We definitely need them for all sorts of things!
xoxo
Shelbee